I know this man is bad for me - please confirm it!

[TheBigA]

Firstly, what you are about to read is an account of incredibly stupid behaviour. Please don't judge me for it. I know that I've been daft, my confidence is at an all-time low and if people say horrible things to me on here it's just going to upset me.

I've had an affair. It went on for 9 months before finishing last week (he nominally finished it but I've seen him since (he's a close family friend and I can't avoid him), he was all flirty and I have the feeling he will try to...well, I suppose seduce is the word, me again, but in my mind it's over and that's why I need you guys to tell me why it's a waste of time, make me strong so that when he tries it on I can tell him where to go. Can't talk to any of my family or friends about this, they'd be horrified).

Really have got myself in a mess here. Leaving aside how I've betrayed my partner (a huge, huge thing, I know), it wasn't even particularly satisfying. It started just weeks after I had a major bereavement - that's no excuse but I think it's important for you to know I wasn't in a good frame of mind at the time. I had always been attracted to him, and suspected he was attracted to me, but I ignored it until then. The sex was the only good thing - the sex was, frankly, hot. But nothing else about it was good. We both recognised early on it couldn't go anywhere - I didn't want to break up my family (two children), our social circle would hate us. We would have sex then he would jump up, get dressed and quite often start talking about how guilty he felt. No cuddling, no kissing (before and during, but never after). I often felt used.

When we weren't having sex we were arguing. To cut a long story short, I think he criticised just about everything about me. Him getting angry, shouting, swearing at me and calling me names was a not infrequent occurrence. But then I'd see him again when he'd gotten over it and he'd be all smiley and look at me wth puppy-dog eyes...I tried to finish it four times, as in four times I said to him 'It's over, leave me alone', (and I thought about finishing it many more times), but my heart wasn't really in it and he knew it. The next time I'd see him and find nothing had changed. Now he has ended it (after an afternoon where we had an argument triggered by my buying him some milk and getting the wrong kind, followed by make-up sex, followed by another row triggered by I can't even remember what, I just remember him yelling at me), but like I say I think it's only a matter of time before he comes calling again.

I assume it goes without saying my relationship with my partner is not in a great state and wasn't before any of this happened. He is aware we have problems and agreed when I suggested we go to see a Relate counsellor. I don't know I can salvage things with my partner but am willing to give it a go for the sake of my DC. But I also don't know how to handle HIM, especially as I have to see him all the time. I think, in spite of his crappy behaviour towards me, he has feelings for me (he was adamant that he would never allow himself to develop any but I believe he did in spite of himself - after all, he let things go on for so long) and I know I have feelings for him. But his behaviour isn't going to change, is it? And my feelings will fade over time, won't they?

Please advise me but please be kind.

Apologies for the length of this post.

Erm, make sure you're never alone with him again, as a starting point.

Firstly you have to 'own' all the decisions you have made - that means acknowledging that every step - before, during and after your sexual encounters (what you describe is not really an affair is it?) - you had choices and decided to cheat on your partner. That doesn't make you a bad person but you do need to totally acknowledge your actions - not justify them with excuses or reasons!

If he asks you for a quick shag, then you say no - simple as that! We can be strong if we want to be, you just have to want to be.

And you thinking he developed feelings for you... that's BS. You're just wanting to believe that because that in your mind 'feelings' exonerates his appalling treatment of you.

As for how you act when you're with him - friendly but remote!

Confrimation that this man is bad for you:

(in your own words)

"When we weren't having sex we were arguing. To cut a long story short, I think he criticised just about everything about me. Him getting angry, shouting, swearing at me and calling me names was a not infrequent occurrence."

Plus, you had an argument triggered by you buying 'the wrong kind of milk'.

Try to keep your distance, and remember how utterly petty a person he is for arguing about trivialities. Such behaviour defines the kind of person he is, and such behaviour is neither sexy nor desirable.

Please try and see that any feelings you may have developed are sadly wasted on someone like this.

Don't worry, I know I'm at fault here. I had a shitty thing happen to me which weakened my defenses but I'm well aware that full responsibility for what I've done lies with me.

www.ivillage.com has several forums offering support to people ending affairs. The main one is Ending an Affair Support.

You'll get a lot of advice and a fairly gentle reception over there by women who have been in the situation you're in.

Good luck.

Put aside the afair, this man sounds awful. He isn't very nice to you & 9 months into the relationship you are having make-up sex.

You need to be strong & say no, don't let him use you like this.

Do you think you can hide your affair from your partner? The guilt must be making you feel awful.

You bring up the bereavement twice

"It started just weeks after I had a major bereavement - that's no excuse but..."

"I had a shitty thing happen to me which weakened my defenses but I'm well aware that full responsibility for what I've done lies with me."

By bringing it up, it's as if nominally you think it's your fault, but part of you wants to blame the bereavement.

I agree with Keynesian, you want to believe he has feelings for you, but there's no evidence that he does. You felt used because you were, indeed, being used. Kisses and cuddles and puppy-dog eyes until he'd got what he wanted, then treating you like dirt until the next booty call. You're a nicer person than he is (even though you have done a bad thing, which you know) because you own your feelings of guilt whilst he takes his out on you. Nasty, nasty man, not deserving of the privilege of using your body. Is there any way you can stop seeing him on a regular basis? Change your workplace, take up a different hobby, drop out of a certain circle of friends? Just until you get some perspective, till the hot sex fades out of memory and you can concentrate on the shouting.

It's going to be quite difficult working together at Relate if you have to keep this massive secret from your partner. It's encouraging that he seems to be willing to work on things, but finding out about the affair would very likely blow everything apart, whereas lying to him may well be equally destructive in a more insidious, long-term way. I wonder whether you would do better to have some individual sessions first?

Oh no, I know it's my fault. I'm just trying to put it in some kind of context. It's like crime and poverty. Whilst living in poverty makes a person more likely to commit crime, ultimately that person is responsible for their decision to commit crime. The context explains but doesn't justify the behaviour.

My partner works A LOT so is absorbed with his own stuff - if he has suspected anything he's not said.

I feel guilty when I think about my children and how much they love their dad and how upset they would be if we split up.

I think you're going to be hugely vulnerable to this starting up again, because you want him to have deep feelings for you, even if all the evidence is to the contrary. Objective observers can perhaps see that this man is actually on a power trip and knows he has a hold over you, in more ways than one. Someone with real feelings for you wouldn't behave this way, I assure you - and you need to keep telling yourself that he doesn't really care for you as a person and in slower time, question why you would want someone like this to love you.

This could get incredibly messy, because you say he is a family friend and therefore cannot avoid seeing him. He is no friend to your family though and it would be much better if you could sever contact completely. However, if you intend to keep the affair secret from your partner and if severing contact would cause difficult questions, then that's going to be problematical. Perhaps you need to look at that a bit more closely too though? Is there a part of you that wants to see him and have the satisfaction of him wooing you all over again?

I don't think going to Relate will be helpful at all all the while you are holding secrets. While I accept that you believe your primary relationship was in trouble before your affair, you agree that it has worsened considerably because of it. An affair is a massive issue in a relationship and with-holding it isn't fair on your partner or the counsellor - they will both be making significant investments in the therapy with only a partial picture. It is also likely that the counsellor will at some stage realise that something is being hidden, because therapy really doesn't work in these circumstances.

You might however find that solo therapy is more productive, so that you can unravel why this really happened and what it was about you that caused you to make these choices. It's unlikely to be solely related to the bereavement you suffered and/or the problems you were having in your relationship, although it is probably comforting to conclude right now that this happened entirely because of outside factors.

The counselling might also help you to decide what you want from your relationship and to separate your feelings about staying for the children, from staying because you love your partner and don't want to part from him. If you decide to stay for the right reasons, it might also be helpful to explore with a counsellor whether there is benefit to being honest about what has happened.

I will say up front that I think that secrets really damage relationships and especially intimacy, but there are some safeguards around disclosure and consequences whatever you decide to do. My immediate worry with this particular OM however is that it sounds like he has abusive tendencies and there might be the potential to blackmail you - this goes back to the hold I think he has on you, beyond the emotional pull. If there is any risk that this might happen, or that he might tell your partner (perhaps anonymously and without putting himself in the line of fire) then it is obviously far better that you remove his power, to hurt both you, your partner and your children.

Finding out from someone else/through other means makes affair recovery much harder, so give some thought to neutralising this man's power.

OP you have made some spectacularly crap decisions, you know that already.

But you are also recently bereaved and emotionally vulnerable and this man is taking advantage of that fact and abusing it.

He sounds like a nasty person who gets his kicks out of emotionally manipulating you.

I would echo WWIFN's suggestion that you get solo counselling for your bereavement.

The funny thing about grief is that it can really affect your confidence. When I was bereaved my self-esteem hit rock bottom. Not really sure what the psychology of that is, but you need to recognise it and understand it if you're to keep from making the same mistakes again.

I would love to sever all contact but trust me, it's not possible coz our families are very close. On the plus side I'm confident he'd never blackmail me coz he has everything to lose and nothing to gain. Have thought about trying to move house so I wouldn't have to see as much of him - does that sound extreme?

Hi BigA

I just want to respond to your last comment. Severing contact is possible, but it would be hard, but not impossible. and if the survival of your family is what you want it may come down to that.

I think this guy is quite an asshole. controlling and aggressive. you are well rid of him and don't let your guilt tell you that you are so bad that you deserve his crappy treatment.

If you want to salvage your family you have some hard decisions and even harder actions to take... be brave. whatever you decided.

Mostly I would be echoing previous posters that this man is not only bad for you, but sounds like a bad man. His behavior makes me suspect he has done this before, and that perhaps you are not even the only current booty call. He probably regularly knocks on every door, and then knocks again at his convenience on the ones that answer, so to speak.

and he treats you badly likely because that is how he treats people.

the man I was involved with in uni was like that, and whenever he came around to try his luck again with me, it was an effective dash of very cold water to think about all the others, past present and future, no doubt. past experience leads me to caution you that he might press you hard once you successfully shut him out. mine didn't like the idea of a resource drying up. still doesn't mean he became a better man.

I hate saying this, I really do, but isn't some of the advice and opinion being posted in this thread hypocritical?

All I usually see in the 'Relationships' forum is threads detailing how any husband/partner who has had an affair is scummy cheating pondlife who should be thrown out on the streets, taken for every penny he's got and then made to jump through every legal hoop there is to see his children.

I know my post isn't helpful, but shouldn't the advice to be to own up about the affair and then try to repair the damage, rather than concentrating on what a tool the other man is?

I feel so, so sorry for the poor innocent partner in this.

I agree super I did ask in my first post how the op thinks she will manage with the guilt. I personaly couldn't look my husband in the face knowing I have been sleeping with a close family friend.

I normally read advice telling the op that the husband/boyfriend needs to take ownership of the affair & not to pile all the blame on the OW.

I don't think it's hypocritical. Mostly it's the cheated-on partner posting, therefore easy to criticise the cheater, and it serves a purpose, stoking up the fires of indignation as often the person sounds quite defeated & crushed.

In this case ripping up at the op would only drive her away and she is self-aware & wanting advice to change.

Also it has been suggested that she come clean and that keeping secrets is destructive by various people.

Yes. You wouldn't find me posting on an affair thread that a male was:

"scummy cheating pondlife who should be thrown out on the streets, taken for every penny he's got and then made to jump through every legal hoop there is to see his children."

And no-one is saying that the OM should take all the blame here either. The blame is pretty neatly divided, but just as there are all kinds of OW ranging from the self-deluding to the narcissistic, there are all types of OM too - and this one sounds an especially abusive variant.

If a poster in this situation tried to justify her behaviour, blame her H, defend her choices or asked us to collude with her in continuing her deceit, the responses would be damning, although there are always some who would still support the indefensible.

But it serves no purpose to harangue a poster who at least seems to be trying to own her mistakes - much better to probe gently, any denial or delusions that still seem to exist - and suggest she thinks about disclosure and honesty.

My mum died a few weeks ago.
OP I have huge sympathy for you.

The only advice I would give is that if you want to have a go at patching things up with your OH you need to come clean. You two can't have a clean slate together while you're holding on to this secret.

I don't think you should ever tell your dp.

I'm surprised so many people have said I should tell my partner. If I were him I'd dump me instantly! I agree that secrets aren't good for relationships - we've had some humdingers in our family and I'm only too aware of the damage they've caused - but I think come clean and I won't have a relationship. I read somewhere (possibly the problem page in Cosmo) that it does your partner no good to tell them you've cheated, they just struggle to trust you even if it'll never happen again, and the burden of carrying the guilt alone is the price you pay for having an affair.

Anyway, thank you everybody for your posts, I will definitely be getting some individual counselling.

I agree with solo counselling however you have to treat your partner with the same respect you would like. If he had an affair would you want to know or be kept in the dark ? It's likely he knows that something is wrong in your relationship and he maybe blaming himself. My DH's ex had an affair, he didn't find out til later when their marriage finally ended. He needed to know and it would have been best had she came clean. He had the right to know and it would have saved alot of heartache in the long run.

If you want to stay together then I don't think he needs to know. It's easy to say, with hindsight and after a relationship has split up, that the other person "needed to know". But if you stay together I don't think they ever need to know, why hurt them? I actually agree that keeping your guilty secret is the price you have to pay.
I know that's a really unpopular view here, but it's my experience. I have two friends who I know have had affairs but never told their husbands. In once case they later split up, but in the other they have stayed together, and they are happy.

I think that if, as you have said, that he would finish the relationship, if he had all the information then it's really unfair that you are keeping him in a relationship that he wouldn't want to be in, if he knew the truth, by lying. That is worse than the affair imo. If he finds out years down the line (which is entirely possible given that the OM is known to the family) he will find out he has wasted years of his life in a relationship he would have ended had he known. Either that or he will spend his entire life being lied to.