What to do about my mother? Dementia or NPD?

[PrincessJas]

Dear all this is my first post so please be gentle with me :-) And sorry for it being long!

A bit of background:
My Mum is (was?) my best friend, we spoke about all and everything. My Mum has never had this relationship with my brother. They no longer speak as she started screaming at his wife during a big family get together. I am no longer speaking to my brother either but this is due to different reasons (he is a bit of a tosser actually!). I always defended my Mum for what she said ("yes it was wrong, but she was under stress" etc.). My SIL is a complete b!tch anyway (but she plays the angel to people she thinks are influential or important).

My Mum and I have had our fair share of arguments, and in the past 2 years, since my DC was born (first DG for all granparents) we have had more, where she has been very unreasonable but I have let her off with it (again making excuses or just not wanting to fall out with her) - she never apologises. She is amazing with my DS and is always usually really helpful (putting the washing on, bringing small presents for me and DS (i.e. colouring books to keep him occupied and a magazine for me to put my feet up - nothing major but really, really thoughtful). But if we argue, she is always really spiteful saying I am awful and everyone hates me etc. and brings up anything she can from the past (e.g. if I have ever had an argument with anyone that she knows about then that is brought up saying that I am the common factor).

Any the problem:
Her outburts are getting worse (more frequent and more appalling). We had another family get together over a weekend (in-laws staying in a hotel and my Mum in our house). The whole time she swanned about like she owned the place and DS and wouldn't let my MIL have a look in. On the Saturday she shouted at my in-laws and then sulked all day like a child. I gave her into trouble but then tried to make up with her so as not to ruin the weekend. When in-laws left she waved at them like the queen (BIL's words to DH) it was awful and so embarassing. She was really difficult all day then ate dinner when my DH and I got DS ready for bed and avoided us.

The next day was more of the same. She abused my DH is front of our friends so I asked her to leave. She stormed off and didn't even say good bye to DS (who was upset at this as he loves her).

My step-Dad says her outbursts are getting really bad and he doesn't know what to do.

I have recently left the country to live elsewhere in Europe and I think she is taking it badly. She is amazingly wonderful normally, but in hindsight this is only when she gets things her own way.

I don't know if she has the beginnings of Dementia, or has Narcisstic Personality Disorder or is just a bitch and I have had my eyes opened?

She has since sent a text saying "sorry we didn't get to say goodbye" WTF?!? that's what she is sorry for???

Sorry (x100) for the long post. How to I handle it now?
a)Cut her out of my life (but she's My Mum...)
b) wait for an apology (will it ever come though)?
c) ask for an apology (then she doesn't mean it and I can bear her to put me through this again - it's really awful).
d)Follow MNetters advice

thank you.

Could she be depressed? Or have another medical problem? It sounds like she has had a personality change, and there could be health reasons for that, especially as you and your stepdad are both reporting that things have got much worse recently.

It is interesting that you have mentioned dementia. Do you have any other reasons to think that she might not be thinking as clearly as she used to - poor memory, issues with problem solving, getting lost, putting things in funny places, odd speech patterns, picking up the wrong end of the stick, confusion? (There are also other things that can cause problems with thinking so it need not be dementia).

Can you and your stepdad present her with a united front and say how worried you are about her to encourage her to get checked out? Lots of things that could be causing this can be treated and symptoms controlled or improved, so if she is ill it could make things much easier. And if she is ill, she will probably have some awareness that things aren't quite right - and that can be frightening and isolating for people who are worried about themselves but trying to cover it up and appear to be "normal".

And if it is something progressive or hard to treat, it might help to start getting all the legal and practical arrangements sorted while things are at an early enough stage for your mum to be able to make decisions about what she wants to happen if she deteriorates.

Good luck, It sounds like a very difficult situation.

Firepile - thank you so much for your post!

It's a really difficult situation and I can't really discuss it with anyone. My Dad has always said "she is mad" which is not helpful and I think just him being mean during their divorce. My DH thinks if she 'needs help' then she shouldn't look after our DS (we are meant to be going on holiday in June to try for DC2 and she was due to look after DS1). When she did look after DS last week (when I was getting things ready for the party) my DH noticed that DS needed his nappy changed and my Mum hadn't immediately changed it and he used that as a reason as to her having the starts of dementia - like "she left him in a dirty nappy". But he is 2yo and always running about, so sometimes I don't notice, until he comes to me later saying he's done a poo.

Re: dementia/mental issues:
She's only 60. She doesn't get lost or anything. She's always had a poor memory and has always put things in funny places. But I have started doing that since being pregnant and my "baby brain" isn't improving even after 2 years! She also is deaf in one ear so often gets the wrong end of the stick. But not really confusion.

Re: depression
She has been on and off anti-depressants for years and came off them a few years ago, but about a year ago said she thought she should go back on them again. She didn't. So yes, she could very well be depressed. I have moved to a different country and she is very lonely. My step-dad works away a lot. Does depression cause you to be appallingly rude to people? I mean after she shouted at my DH (for know reason), she then glared at him she was literally had a look of evil in her eyes. I suppose she probably blames my DH and his family for me moving as we have moved to his home country. But as my step-Dad keeps saying, I am finding the move difficult myself (no friends, no mother and baby clubs, I am a SAHM).

Thank you so much for your help and advice (your kindness made me cry - I am a bit emotional at the moment).

ps normally any issues I have I discuss with my Mum, so this is really harder for me than any other issues i've had

I think the 'key' to whether your mother is actually ill with something new or has NPD traits etc is whether she has always been so 'difficult'?

You may need to take a very long cold hard look at your family history here to 'see' through the bickering to the truth.

If she has always been 'difficult' then I would guess at this just being an 'eye opening' experience for you...one that will be particularly emotional if you have always been the 'goldenchild'.

The scapegoat see's the nasty person in all their glory all the time...the goldenchild is usually very well protected from the real nastiness...so when the mask slips the goldenchild suffers enormously. x

If this is all new though, then a trip to the GP would be my advice.

From your post it doesn't sound like your mum yelling, sulking or being rude is a new thing.
It's just she's now doing it to you.
Up till now you've made excuses and appeased her but you've now done something she doesn't like , moving to another country.

She may be depressed and lonely but being rude does not help make friends or keep friends

Thanks PrincessJas - good luck.

It may be that your mum has narcississtic personality traits - but it sounds as though things have worsened recently - when did she fall out with your SIL?

Can you talk to your stepdad, again? He also seems to think that it is getting worse recently, so it might be good to see what he thinks - ie if she is changing and whether he is noticing anything else that is unusual. As he lives eith her, he may pick up on other things that are easier to cover up when you are "in public".

On narcissism would it be possible for you to have enough of a conversation with your brother to establish whether she has always behaved in this way towards him, or whether it is a relatively new thing? (You can be not close without being a scapegoat, after all.) Whether this helps depends on whether you think you could trust his answers, of course.

Is there anybody else who knows her well and you could trust enough to ask?

In answer to your question, depression can lead to anger management issues and people saying hateful things, and behaving very oddly. But so can other mental health and physical problmes, and personality disorders - so it is hard to work out.

My mum is almost textbook NPD and has in the last year been dx with Vascular Dementia - not a good combination! In her case, the outrageous behaviour - vile name calling, starting fights, tears and self-pity etc have just escalated way and beyond what they were, but they are not 'new'.

What prompted us to get her tested was her short term memory which suddenly seemed to deteriorate far beyond what it should for a woman of her age (70).

It's like a poster said up thread - it really depends on whether this behaviour is entirely new.

Either way, I sympathise

From my own experience of my mum with early on-set dementia, I think you might see other obvious signs if it was dementia. My mum didn't seem overly forgetful initially, but we noticed she couldn't tell the time any more, her writing declined rapidly, she appeared to be "reading" the paper but if we talked about particular articles it was clear she hadn't read it or hadn't understood it, etc. She became incapable of concentrating on a task, like laying the table, would start cooking and miss vital ingredients out! She got more defensive than aggressive in the early stages, which I think was trying to hide her symptoms from us and confusion about what was happening to her. Hope this helps, and good luck x

Hi,

Thanks all for the posts. There isn't really anyone I trust enough to give me a real honest answer. I am not on speaking terms with my brother due to many reasons. I do trust my step-Dad though. We never really saw eye-to-eye on a few things and he is not my "cup-of-tea" as it were, but I believe that he is a honest kind man (and he's a really big softie!). So I think Firepile yes, I will continue down this route.

I do think things have got worse recently and my step-Dad has confirmed this. So it's new in that sense. So it could be any of a whole list of mental issues such as depression as suggested. Firepile - my Mum abused my SIL 18 months ago (and my Mum states that the incident is not to be discussed if me or Step-Dad try to broach it).

However, as the other posters have said, looking back at things, I do wonder if maybe she has had NPD and I didn't see it (as I was the Golden child). Because she has said a few odd things to me in the past such as "it was never easy to love your brother" "you were such a good child and always did and said the right thing". Although I don't speak to my brother, as I dislike the man he has grown into, I feel sorry for the wee boy that I grew up with that had a mother that couldn't easily love him. I fell in love with my bump as soon as it was a BFP and I am not the motherly type (i.e. I love my DS like a tigress and would be lost without him, but I am not so easily taken with other people's kids).

When I was pregnant, my Mum kept saying that if I had a boy, he might be an awful child like my brother, and that I should hope for a girl so it could be good like me. So to me this seems like NPD. I don't think that is normal motherly thoughts. I did indeed have a son, and he is a real cutie and a good boy (I know, I know I am baised!), but she says that's because he is like me not my brother. She did go on to say that she failed him because she found him difficult. My Dad didn't help raise us ("that's a mother's job") and all her family died young so she was on her won, so maybe she had PND or something - who knows.

It did cross my mind that maybe my brother grew up to be a twunt that he is because of my Mum. But then again people get brought up in really abusive homes and turn out just find in spite of it.

If I was reading this cold, then I would think yes she definately has NPD, but she hasn't shown many of the other traits (even with me looking closely and without rose-tinted glasses) - maybe three traits in all she is definately is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. But she actually has the opposite of most of these traits i.e. she is very empathetic and probably puts her self down than think she is important.

thanks for listening - or is that reading ;-)

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Narcissism Traits: from www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

1. A person with narcissistic personality disorder has a grandiose sense of self-importance,
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love,
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
4. requires excessive admiration,
5. has a sense of entitlement,
6. is interpersonally exploitative,
7. lacks empathy,
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her,
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.