toxic atmosphere with dh, loveless marriage 10 years on, is there any hope??

[ExpatAgain]

feel stuck - overseas so no support network and things now worse than ever with dh, talking divorce (tho God knows how as i@m on a spousal visa 1000s of miles from home with kids to look after and no means of support to do so w/o dh!)..DC1 has overheard much of this and made me promise we wouldn't divorce..

I respect dh - he's a good man, father but is reckless, lazy, doesn't look after himself and constantly disagrees with me in front of kids - including telling me "off" for the instructions I give them

We've been together nearly 10 years, the first year happily though I was on the rebound from a BIG relationship, then an unhappy rushed marriage and then getting quickly pregnant meant that things quickly deteriorated all the more so when dc1 was born and was a v difficult baby..

Things never really improved..tbh it doesn't help that i don't fancy dh - haven't done so since the heady first year together- and I'm not sure whether I "love" him (whatever that means to quote Prince Charles...)

I'm aware that i really need to take some kind of action but feel stuck and no idea where to start..

Firstly it isn't up to your children whether you divorce or not. So don't be held to ransom by that.

How long have you been there?

How long have you been unhappy in the marriage?

well, honestly? 9 years unhappily for the most part, ridiculous, I know! we've been overseas a few months

Sounds like the only way forward now is divorce. 9 years of being unhappy together, that's not going to change now is it?

I guess the only way forward is for you to move yourself and the children back to the UK (presuming that is where you are from) and start a new life.

Well if things had been unhappy for only a year or two, then I would have said wait it out abroad for a while. However in a 10 year relationship with 9 years unhappy I really think it's time it ended.

I was in a 10 year relationship and 5 or 6 of those ended up being unhappy. I left and it was the best (the scariest, but the best) thing I ever did.

It sounds like you need to get back to the UK

Do you have access to money or can you save up?

Sounds like you met him on the rebound, had a good first year and the relationship ran it's course then, and that's when you should have got out.

I have done it myself, spent ten years with someone I really didn't like, had two children. Wasted ten years, was only supposed to be a short fling after coming out of a long relationship.

You need to get out, how is the financial situation? Do you have enough money to relocate or would you following separation? No one should be in a marriage where they are unhappy.

Any hope for what, though? For getting out? Making things nicer?

If your DH is a good man, as you say, it should be possible to have a firm talk with him about how you see things and what you are convinced needs to change. He isn't likely to change his whole character, so you'd have to concentrate on behaviours that matter most to you - say, that it is crucial you both pull in the same direction on child-rearing, and if you have any disagreements talk about it privately afterwards, not in front of them. However far you've gone adrift it is possible to rebuild a relationship (or build one - it sounds as if you never really got the chance to start with) if both parties are willing. I tend to start from the assumption that the woman, although not perfect, is doing her best and the man is a miserable selfish so-and-so who won't listen, but that is by no means always the case! Maybe you're just out of the habit of listening to each other, and after a while assume he/she won't listen anyway so you stop bothering to communicate.

Supposing this gets you nowhere you'd have to ask yourself a few questions (which you don't have to answer here of course). Do you like where you live? How much of your dissatisfaction is due to your location - could you all start planning to relocate if that would help? Where would you go if you weren't on a spousal visa, and would you be able to take the DCs with you? What external support is available, both where you are now and where you would be going? And most important of all, would you miss the old bugger very much if you were able to leave?

I don't think you should have promised your DC you wouldn't divorce, by the way. That is a decision you would have to make yourself under all the circumstances, some of which your DC will not (and should not) ever know. All you can really promise is that you would never make such a decision without very careful consideration (of course!), that their welfare is paramount and their wishes will always be taken into account. However, what a child wants is not always the measure of what is the best thing to do. (We've all been children once and I'm sure we can all think of things we really, really wanted that in fact would not have been good for us at all.) This is a promise you may have to break one day. But hopefully it won't come to that.

well, appreciate the feedback..I need some space to think it's all the more complicated for being overseas..I realise i probably shouldn'ty have made such a promise to dc...

OP, this is quite incredible but I am in almost exactly the same situation as you; I actually got goosebumps reading your message. Been married for 10 years, but together for 16. Living overseas (in my case Singapore) so no support network to speak of, and really missing my family. My husband works all the hours there are and we have no real relationship to speak of. He also doesn't look after himself, is overweight and has serious hypertension, yet he smokes and hardly exercises. We haven't had sex for 4 years, because he has totally lost his libido.

I drifted along like this for too long, and have now decided, after a life changing year, that I can't live the rest of my life like this, and I know I want to go home. But my god, where to start? I haven't worked since we've been here and don't have my own money, although 'we' aren't badly off - his one skill is being a provider. He loves the children but tbh isn't a great dad, and although I hate the idea of him only seeing them a few times a year, I'm also scared by the thought that they will grow up to believe such a sterile, passionless marriage is normal.

It is such a difficult situation to be in, isn't it? It's certainly not how I would have imagined my marriage ending up, but after feeling lonely and unwanted for so long, I just know I need the chance to be back with my family and maybe meet someone who actually wants me. If you want to compare notes about this, that would be cool..nice to know I'm not alone in trying to work through this.