Should I give it a second chance or not?

[PeepToes]

I have had a difficult time over the last year. Long story short, I have been with my H for 13 years, married for 8years, and have 3 pre school DCs. My H had always been a regular binge drinker, and IMO abusive - emotionally, financially and whilst drunk physically.

I left him before Xmas, and set up home back in my home town, rented a house, got the kids into nursery etc, but foolishly had a wobble and went back to our family home.

We are now getting marriage counselling. I had PND and am still seeing a psychiatrist, and my H has recently been referred to a psychiatrist for depression.

The drinking has stopped, but I feel that the love has gone - the damage was done, and the only reason I'm back is for the kids. I don't feel depressed anymore just trapped, and unsettled. I still have my house up North, which I'm renting till july, and after Summer my eldest starts school, so I feel that I need to go before then.

I feel as though my excuse to leave is no longer there, as the drinking behaviour has moderated. But there are some events that i cannot get out of my head, far less forgive.

I think I need to leave. Is it as obvious to you guys, or should I give it a second chance, and try to knuckle down to family life again?

Um, could you give me one really good reason why you should want to stay married to him? Maybe I'm fussy, but "he doesn't beat me any more" doesn't sound terribly persuasive.

it is obvious, love

you need to go, while you still can

it shouldn't be this much hard work, you mustn't force yourself to endure a terrible relationship for your dc sake ...they will certainly not thank you for it

go now, while they are young enough to accept the situation so readily

it's not going to get better is it ? Step away while you can still see your arse from your elbow

tbh, the first episode of physical violence (drink or no drink) should have been the day you left and never went back

the damage has been done

I feel almost paralysed by guilt though. When I left last time, the situation was fraught as he was still drinking, so I went quietly, but left a note. He says the worst thing was that everyone knew how I felt about our relationship, except him. Even now he accuses me of plotting with my family and friends. He has read my texts and has deliberately switched off my phone. He came dashing home from work one day as he knew I was on the phone to my Mum after he and I had had an argument. I feel he is trying to isolate me from my closest friends and family. His relationship with my parents has broken down, and he says he can't understand why they would want to split up a family. He fails to see it's because they saw how miserable I was, and what I was having to deal with.

He made me feel like I was being a coward by leaving, and also that I was selfish putting myself before the kids.

I'm on autopilot, and feel bad that I don't have much time for the kids. My eldest seems to have become badly behaved and I'm sure it's attention seeking.

I just can't imagine that I will feel positive about our life together again.

Then you have to end it

he is now trying to control you

you must get out, before he succeeds

you will have more time for he kids when your emotional energy is not being sucked out of you by him

I really, really believe you are doing your dc a disfavour by staying with a man like this

I think that I know it's ending but should I go quietly again, or try to tell him. I worry that if I speak to him, it will escalate as he has a terrible temper, and is really malicious. He will also try and persuade me to stay.

I tried to leave a few weeks ago, but he read a text I sent to a friend about me planning my "exit strategy" so he confronted me, and we had 2 days of hellish rowing.

I keep hoping he will say enough is enough. The situation must be making him miserable too - I mean he's stressed, depressed and now going to see a psychiatrist.

I do care about him. But don't want to be with him. Our physical relationship finished when I got pregnant with our youngest, and now he relies on internet porn. Maybe I could have a relationship with someone who wouldn't treat me like dirt? I'm young enough to find someone else, even with 3 DCs!

He has tried to make me feel bad about the fact I would prefer to be a single mother than be with him.

I have read the Lundy Bancroft book, and posted here before which i've found enormously helpful an supportive - again something he discovered and mocked me as I was seeking advice from "strangers". I'm a professional woman. No fool, but he treats me as one, and after years of this I have become down trodden and it has affected my self esteem.

I feel as if I am biding my time until it is respectable for me to leave.

One of the things that made me feel bad was that I took the kids out from their nursery, and that it unsettled them. Maybe so, but surely they will adjust?

My family have supported me emotionally and practically, but I can financially manage myself. He says I am weak as I have depended on them in the past. He says it's the easy option for me. It is but so what?

If you think he will become violent/make you stay then seek RL help and plan it carefully

you can't wait for him to end it though, your children are being taught very damaging lessons here and it seems the status quo suits him very nicely, despite him appearing unhappy

you need to take the initiative, but with help from family, friends and somebody like Womans Aid to advise you

have you spoken to WA?

don't let guilt paralyse you...he is a grown man and his poor choices (yes, he had choices, every step of the way) have brought you to his point

the guilt is his own to bear, don't take it on

You don't need an 'excuse' to leave op, he gave you reasons aplenty when he was drinking and being abusive.

You said yourself, you are young, you have a whole life time of happiness ahead of you, just now with this guy. Love, real, enduring, worth having love is not this much hard work. Trust me, I know.

If I were you I would leave asap and have family/friends there for immediately after you tell him. You may need to back up/support, but it's also in your interest to have witnesses to any abuse he may dole out.

yes, your children will adjust

the longer you leave it though (the older they get), the more difficult it will be

Once the love have gone there is nothing to keep you with someone. Everybody deserves to be happy and it is clear you are not.

If you no longer love him, leave him so you can both look to a better future elsewhere be it alone or with someone else.

Kids will thrive when away from this toxic environment peeps. Children are a lot like plants, sure they need water and food, but the crucial ingrediant is sun . He's blocking out their sunshine.

'He says it's the easy option for me. It is but so what?'

Exactly. The easiest option, the safest option and the most intelligent option.

No need to feel guilty - you gave it your best shot.

go go go go go

I was you. I kicked out my drug addicted abusive husband once after he physically abused our then 5 year old son. I allowed myself to be bullied and manipulated to have him back because I put my own happiness at the bottom of the pile.

His promised sobriety and non abusive behaviour lasted about 3 months, and it all started again. Still I couldnt 'give myself permission' to leave a miserable, sexless, emotionally and verbally abusive marriage with a man I neither liked nor respected. Until he put our 11 year old son in grave danger as a result of his drinking.

then I acted.

and this time I stuck to it. despte his threats, bullying, manipulation and bullshit I have divorced him. I have 3 kids too, and I am not young (mid 40's) but we were happier alone, and by great good fortumne I have met a wonderful man ( despite having 3 kids! ) and I am happier than I have ever been

dont stay. Go. however you need to. He's an addict and will never change...You deserve to have a chance of a peaceful normal life, and your children deserve to see that relationships are more than this.

please end it.....

He's just lying, he knows exactly why you want to go. If he didn't know last time he knows by now. You don't have to believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

You gave him a chance, he's not noticeably nicer without the drink than he was with it, you're not happy with him, it is not your duty to stay until he says it's all right to go. He's the only one who's saying these things to you; doesn't that give you a clue?

Hi,
I'm so sorry to read about your situation. Unfortunately it will be affecting your DCs. My mother was in an abusive relationship for part of my childhood and I still have alot of baggage from it. I'd say walk away for their sakes.

Oh god. Go, go, go, go, go.

He sounds an absolutely foul person who's already taken far, far too much from not only you but your children.

Do it for them if not for yourself, and stop feeling guilty. That's not your true self speaking when you feel like that - that's the YOU that has been manipiulated and abused for so long you just don't know which way is up any more.

Thank god the real YOU is actually, despite all he's done, still in there.

The real YOU is screaming at you to just get out and give your children the stable, peaceful, loving upbringing that will stand them in good stead for the future. Not stay and squander their peace of mind on a nasty, bullying, sneering, selfish arsehole.

You don't need any more 'excuse' than the above to walk away and never look back. EVERYTHING you have said makes it crystal clear that leaving is the sensible, responsible, NORMAL option that anyone with any sense would make. Please, don't listen to any more of his ranting attempts to intimidate you into staying to be his punchbag and arse-wiper for the next few decades. You sound absolutely rock solid SENSIBLE to prefer being a single mum than to being with him. And do you know what? He knows it too and he's petrified that you've actually woken up to the fact that you're far, far better off without him and he's going to end up having to do his own shitwork for a change. Oh, and I can practically guarantee you that within a year he'll be back down the pub anyway :)

Get out, get a life, make your children happy. Get a friend to be there and make sure you're protected from harm while you go. Tell him you've made the decision that's right for you and that's that. And stay here for support while you do so.