Struggling with the effects of dh's stress

[IslaValargeone]

I'll try and keep this brief.
My dh is self employed (12 years), business is seasonal and unpredictable, and we have made many sacrifices in order to keep our heads above water. There is always some kind of issue, currently it is staffing, yet again. He has been particularly stressed and I do my best to be an ear, offer advice, comfort etc, but his behaviour is really getting to me. His moods are unpredictable, and if he's in a bad one it's like walking on egg shells. He has never been violent but I find myself being frightened of him lately. I think he exhibits passive aggressive traits. Lately I have had to ask him to be less aggressive in his tone with me and dc. He got annoyed that I was upset that the phone had been cut off last week because he forgot to pay the bill. I feel guilty asking him not to bring his stress home with him, but curently my hair is falling out,and when he left this morning for work my shoulders practically lowered 6 feet from relief. Everything in my body went whoosh, including my bowels (yes tmi I know)
I can barely function today with the anxiety of what he will be like when he gets home, maybe I'm just having a bad day but I feel like I would pack my bags if I had anywhere to go.

Anyone any advice?

Hi Isla, sorry you are going through this, it sounds terrible, and if you are walking on egg shells and scared of him, then I would consider his behaviour to be abusive. The physical side effects that you are experiencing are awful too. Do you want to leave?

Ultimately no I don't. But I feel ill, and I am stressed, I have no perspective of whether this is just one of the low patches that marriages go through when times are bad.
There don't seem to be many good times though either, although we have food on the table etc etc, we haven't had a night out in 3 years, no holiday for 7, life seems either flat or shit at the moment.
Forgive me, I am feeling so bloody sorry for myself today.

I'm really sorry to read of your situation, it sounds so stressful for you, no wonder you feel relief when he's not around.

How did he react when you asked him to be less aggressive in tone? What does he do when he's stressed? Walking on eggshells is no way to live your life, you sound like you need a break. Is there anyone who can help you out on that and somewhere safe for your dc to stay?

Does he have an outlet outside of work? Do you? Do you have hobbies?

Marriage is not just doing things together it is also about doing things for yourself, things that make you happy.

Evening classes will get you out of the house. Find a babysitter and get yourselves out the door. Being cooped up for so long is not good for you.

Honestly - you can't go on like this. It's no life.

Read around here a bit more - the walking on eggshells is a big red flag to me that you are under severe pressure as a result of abuse - verbal and emotional abuse at least.

I remember that feeling - and yes I was in an abusive relationship. Took me a long time to realise it.

What do you think?

I don't know what I think tbh.
If I gave you a list of how I currently live my life I think you might hear alarm bells, but my dh can always justify it all because of our financial/employment situation, and in our case it might just be true rather than being symptomatic of something sinister if you see what I mean?
I am not at risk of violence, if I thought for one minute I was he'd be gone, but I am very dependent on him, and becoming increasingly so, not emotionally but for everything else.

How about some part time work in the evenings when he is home? Or even at the weekend?

hmmm, my H justified everything too.
But eventually the penny dropped for me (and him as it happens). We simply couldn't continue the way we were.
It simply is not ok to treat people badly, no matter what the excuses are.
btw - I also managed to avoid physical violence (mostly) by bending over backwards etc. Things would always get worse whenever I was not coping. (and then of course it was too easy for him to blame my mental instability for everything).

My DH justified everything.

I used to be so stressed and afraid coming home from work it was unreal.

I have no advice that would be useful I'm afraid, because I left him in the end.

I think it just might be the strain of the business getting to him, and it is manifesting itself at home.
I am not name called or anything at all like that, but I am experiencing the mushroom feeling (kept in the dark ........) and feeling I have no control over anything whatsoever (sahm) if you hadn't already guessed)
No money other than housekeeping, live in the country and only have car when he doesn't need it. Agggh I don't know, sometimes I get the feeling that he resents being the breadwinner, and that I'm a burden. Or maybe today is just a crap day and I'm over reacting? I do very much appreciate your posts everyone.

Did he choose the line of work with the good of the family in mind? Seasonal and unpredictable self employment that is constantly having staffing or other problems sounds like the perfect line of work for someone who loves drama, but it is not compatible with either keeping a family afloat financially (without all sorts of compromises by whoever is the SAHP or the one who earns less) and possibly power plays by the breadwinner. It is an ideal line of work for someone who likes and prioritises control (and is willing to make life difficult even for himself as a side effect of this desire for control) and doesn't see the importance of mutuality or stability.

OP, you are being abused if you are being kept in the dark about things and so relieved to see his back in the morning that you can feel it physically. You are living with no control over the atmosphere in your own home and no control over your financial present or future. There is a complete power imbalance here.

exH set up his own practice right after we had bought our house and had DC3, with little or no input into the decision invited from me. We struggled for years financially and emotionally and eventually divorced. There was never-ending drama, which kept him at front and centre and allowed him to indulge his default emotion of feeling sorry for himself, his genius going unappreciated and underpaid. Never mind that his children went without many things their friends took for granted. Never mind going into credit card debt just to buy groceries. He could have chosen to work for a firm, taken orders from someone else, and made his way up the ladder like everyone else does, but he was impatient and didn't work well with others, and he really wanted the drama. He needed it more than air. It was more important to him than the feeling of satisfaction he could have got from actually providing for the family.

The business was set up 6 months before we met, and our dc was unplanned.
The rest of your post has put a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat especially the last 6 lines, as they could describe my dh. Although everything he does is for me and dc.

I would really question whether everything he does is for you and the DC. Everyone gets something just for themselves out of their jobs, even if it's a sense of cempetence. I suspect your DH is getting something out of this that is not related to anyone's good but is filling some ego need of his own. 12 years is a long, long time to keep on banging your head against a wall and experiencing the ups and downs of self-employment and seemingly never get ahead or be able to anticipate problems and work to head them off. He has some emotional investment in this that takes precedence over his commitment to the welfare of his family and if he is willing to make everyone miserable then the family is not his priority.

exH arranged a holiday for us all right before we moved into the house, just a few days' getaway really, and I was really looking forward to it. He managed to behave like a bear with a sore head from the getgo and I still have horrible memories of him sneering at the stuff I had packed (we met him half way to the destination as he had business so I did all the packing for the five of us), cursing and screaming in the car when we had to take a detour due to roadwork and couldn't get back on the motorway, and then more cursing and snatching of the map when we missed a turn one night when we got there, with him shouting about getting lost and running out of petrol. We were on a peninsula probably four miles long and two miles wide, with one road in and out and a little town right at the point where it joined the mainland. He was very surprised to hear from me that I had had a rotten time from beginning to end, and why, and I was surprised to hear from him that he had enjoyed the holiday. He had been stressed out or angry constantly.

Jeez, maybe it's a self-employed thing, but my dh is very like this in several ways. The way we live, he is in control of pretty much everything, and when he's not he clearly doesn't like it. He also seems to love the drama side of things - it doesn't matter how crap my day might have been, it can't possibly compare with the trials and tribulations he's been through, and he seems to think I want to hear every little detail of what's stressed him out each day, without caring to listen to anything I might have to say. You have my sympathy, your dh really does need a proper talking-to (as does my dp!).

my DH is self-employed

in this current climate it is certainly very stressful, but he has never, and would never, treat me so appallingly

there is no excuse for it whatsoever