My Glee T-shirt would say "grumpy arsehole" right now.

[LaWeasel]

I know it's because I'm hormonal and pregnant (yes, I know that old chesnut)

But also because for some reason, this early stage has done exactly the same thing it did when I was PG with DD and dragged me down into the memories of being abused.

I hate it. I hate that it happened to me, and that follows me around everywhere. It colours everything I do and everything I say.

I'm getting into stupid petty arguments on MN because the implication that people are bad parents or people for not eating x or y, for weaning at not quite the recommended time, thinking about controlled crying, contemplating not quite the safest car seat available.

It just makes me see red.

It makes me feel like I did when I was at school when my friends were self-harming because there parents were getting divorced, and I was coming home to be physically attacked for... well, I don't know. Existing.

People have no fucking clue.

And I didn't even have it that bad. I know I didn't. There was usually some food around. I had my sisters hand me downs when no one would buy me clothes. My dad was and is lovely, just a bit of a work obsessed phone-sitter (a pita, but not the worst sin). There wasn't much of a sexual element to the abuse.

So being honest my T-shirt would say "abused" because I am ashamed of it. I'm not ashamed that it happened to me. That wasn't my fault, and I know it wasn't. I'm ashamed that I can't let it go.

... I just needed to say all that. No need to reply.

want to reply to'I didn't even have it that bad' I was sexually abused as child and thought it wasn't that bad so completely understimated impact on me. I spent a lot of my adult life in and out of breakdowns and depression, it wasn't until I went to get counselling for fear of flying that the link was made so don't underestimate the undestandable impact it can have on you. Shame should be no where near you, you haven't done any thing wrong. Please get some good counselling it has been fantastic for me, I am now able to have completely peaceful mind with no anger or anything it is brilliant. It means taking a risk because I wasn't sure how I would cope or if looking at it would break me but the big thing was I was always told to go at my own pace and was always able to keep myself safe. I haven't lost my mind - in fact I now feel that I am the person I should have been and I don't hate other people for not having gone through it . Sorry for going on but I really wanted to let you know that The abuser has had more than enough of your life and you owe it to yourself to get help where you will be able to let it goxxxx

I wonder if you can't let it go because you are trying to minimise it, persuade yourself that it wasn't much, didn't matter, all over a long time ago, whilst your inner child is jumping up and down screaming "Yes it DID matter, I have every right to be bloody furious!". I'm not a psychologist but I think a good one would encourage you to let that child out and have a good listen to her.

Maybe once you realise that "it wasn't that bad" (ie you've heard of worse) is no excuse, you will be able to stop feeling quite so angry all the time and use the energy more positively. Injustice rankles, and rightly so. You were treated unjustly as a child and now you're treating yourself unjustly, in a way, by telling yourself you should not feel what you have every right to feel. You are angry because that sort of thing should not happen to a child, and you're going to make jolly sure it never happens to your child. You would love to ensure it never happens to any other child but recognise unfortunately you can't.

That's my theory anyway. You're welcome to try it on for size. Reject if it doesn't work for you.