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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage Breakdown - need to vent

19 replies

thenewf · 10/05/2011 09:53

Hi I am new to this but just want to get some stuff off my chest as I am really hurting but it may be a long one.

I was with OH for 32 years and married for 21 of those. We have two kids DD 21 and the apple of OH's eye and DS who has just turned 18 and has always had a tense relationship with his father. OH has been emotionally abusive and even physically so to me on occasion.

DS recently lost his job and some so called friends took his car with out consent and wrote it off so this has been a very low point in his life. Last Tuesday he and his father had words and OH kicked him out of the house with no consultation with me. I tried to point out that it was half my house but OH sneered at me that I wasn't entitled to any opinion as I am not currently working, also that I didn't back him up with DS who OH says was rude (I didn't hear the argument). Anyway to cut a long story short I said I wanted to separate.

Next day I find out that OH has been seeing another women. This has really cut into me. Despite the fact that this is not the reason for the separation I am devastated. I just feel so hurt that he could do this. Now I am acting like a fish wife and screaming abuse at him.

Another thing that really hurts is that for OHs birthday I arranged a romantic break away, bought him a £200 phone and lots of other stuff. My birthday was in April and OH didn't remember until we were half way through breakfast (I had pre warned him too). Any way off he goes to work and returns in the evening bearing gifts a CD and a wizard of Oz DVD (I am 52 FFS) still in the plastic bag. No card or anything

My DD is pleased that I have finally taken the steps to leave him and keeps telling me it will be OK. I have a very close friend who is being a star. I am not from the UK so have no family support here. Hence the need to off load on you guys.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2011 10:43

Well I sincerely hope that your DS is back in his own home and your H is out of it?

If you are married, half of the marital assets are of course yours and if your H has been physically abusive, you can keep him out of your home.

It sounds as though your H manipulated this situation so that his behaviour resulted in you ending the marriage. It's good news that you have uncovered his affair, although I understand why that has hurt so deeply. However, try and rationalise this. You've stayed with a man for years who has been emotionally and physically abusive and who has treated your son less favourably than your daughter - a daughter who is however relieved that her parents' marriage is ending, which is so telling. Now he has been unfaithful - and for some reason that hurts more than what has gone before?

Try to see it instead as the final wake-up moment that this man is not worthy of a relationship with you. Let him go and focus on the family that is you and your DCs.

Original poster
thenewf · 10/05/2011 10:50

Thanks for reply when will I feel normal. Thought every one was ignoring me!!! Perhaps not rational thoughts at the moment. The way he has treated the kids is the worst aspect but the thought of him with another women makes me feel gutted. I know I am doing the right thing but it's a scary world out there.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2011 11:17

So has your H left and is your son back at home?

Original poster
thenewf · 10/05/2011 11:41

Sorry not at mo. Am waiting for OH to find some where. The OW doesn't want him with her.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2011 11:45

I'm sorry to hear that. Your son should be at home and it shouldn't be your concern that your H is waiting to find somewhere, or that the OW won't have him. I think you should put your son first and listen to what your DD is saying too. It sounds like your DCs would be much happier in a home without your H in it.

Original poster
thenewf · 10/05/2011 14:56

Yes you are right. The kids should me first. I am not sleeping and so tired can't think straight. DD doesn't live at home anyway.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 15:15

The first few days, weeks and sometimes months take its toll, and there is no one that would say it will be easy. But you will make it, you will find yourself looking back on this time in a year and thinking I made it.

Im sorry that you found out about the other woman that must have been really tough.

Tell him that he chose to sleep with someone else so he has to find somewhere else to live, that you cannot have him at home when your son needs a roof more than he does, he is a grown man he has to reap the whirlwind of his actions.

Him having nowhere to stay is not your problem what is your problem is making sure your son is okay. I hope you reported your sons friends to the police for taking and driving away and criminal damage.

Original poster
thenewf · 10/05/2011 16:43

Yes the takers of the car are being prosecuted and the slightly more sensible ones of the four are saving up to pay him back. Have texted H to say not to come home.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 16:47

You need time to think, time to work out where to go from here, get some legal advice if you have a house in both names, if your children are over 18 you will have to sell it and split the equity and move on.

Original poster
thenewf · 10/05/2011 16:51

Yes am seeing CAB on Thursday and my father has offered some help with legal costs. I know I am entitled to 50% but am wondering if I can get more given I am unemployed and half the house won't be enough to buy somewhere else but will be enough to prevent me getting benefits

OP posts:
Original poster
thenewf · 10/05/2011 17:07

Confirm H staying away and have texted DS. Thanks for giving me a push.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/05/2011 18:29

Good outcome, OP x

All the best

It does seem to me that for some people who have been badly-treated, they rationalise it by saying "well he is my arsehole, at least he doesn't cheat on me"

so when the arseholes do cheat, it can really be a massive blow, and often is the criteria that ends the relationship, when quite clearly the relationship should have ended long before

Original poster
thenewf · 10/05/2011 18:30

You are so right Thanks to all. May go round friends later so not on my own.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2011 20:31

So pleased for your son, OP. He needs to be with people who love him unconditionally, especially as he's been having such a horrible time of it lately Sad.

Very pleased that your H has gone.

Original poster
thenewf · 11/05/2011 13:14

Thanks all and DS has managed to get a few days work with an agency. Will be picking him up tonight. :)

Still have that horrid sinking feeling though :( but have lost weight:)

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/05/2011 13:17

Is your H going to stay away? He has gone hasn't he?

Original poster
thenewf · 11/05/2011 13:28

He is staying away for foreseeable future but will have to collect some stuff still, shirts etc. Felt much better with him out of the house but he may buy out my share

Just alternate between hurt and anger

OP posts:
zikes · 11/05/2011 13:39

Make sure you get good legal advice.

Original poster
thenewf · 11/05/2011 22:08

Thanks to all. DS is home and I feel all warm and cuddly. Unfortunately teenage boys are a strange breed and he may well return to town tomorrow. Situation is I live in a small village with no public transport and all his friends live in the city. At least I know he has had a good meal and we have reconnected. Thanks to all that advised

OP posts:
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