Why is it so hard

[BreakFree]

To get the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Why do I always seem to get sucked back into the cycle that I know is going to continuously repeat itself. Is there something wrong with me? I am an intelligent person. I know I don't need to be in this sort of relationship. I know I would rather be free of it but so many obstacles stand in my way of getting out. I have a deep seated fear of the end even though I can picture myself out of it. I fantasise about somehow moving into a new house with my DCs without him.
Every time he starts his abuse cycle I vow to leave. I get so upset and so angry and hurt and then its over and everything is fine for another few weeks until it starts again. I'm tired and I'm unhappy always waiting for the next thing I do wrong or waiting to break the next eggshell. He verbally abuses me. He only cares when it suits him. I feel like I'm just there as his entitlement. He doesn't respect me. In an argument he will call me horrendous names and say terrible things. In the past he has been physical, shoving, getting in my face, holding me down on the floor etc. I have support from friends and family but I now feel like the boy who cried wolf. The stupid woman that won't leave even though things will never change.

because you have been slowly been beaten down, it does not happen overnight its a slow process, you have had your self confidence crushed. to leave an abusive relationship takes an enormous amount of strength but you do have that, its just being sucked out of you from living this way

contact women's aid that will give you the support and advice you need and also read why does he do that by lundy bancroft, it will help you understand the situation you are in or have got yourself into

and always remember there is only one person to ever blame in abusive relationships and that is the abuser

(Hugs)

You have worked out your situation. You know what to do. Its never going to change. You are clinging to what you have now because it's what you know but you know its not good for you.

You need to make a concrete first step. Get out and live all these negativity behind you. You just need to summon up the courage and resolution to live and start a new life.

Goodluck.

As Freudianslipper has suggested, the book by Lundy Bancroft is very insightful and I too think its a good idea to read it.

A paragraph in the book talks about 'traumatic bonding', here it explains that the trauma of chronic abuse can also make a woman develop fears of being alone at night, anxiety about her competence to manage her life on her own, and feelings of isolation from other people, especially if the abuser has driven her apart from her friends or family. All of these effects of abuse can make it much more difficult to seperate from an abusive partner than from a nonabusive one.

I was also in a relationship like this but eventually decided enough was enough.
My kids and I are all a million times happier because we are living our lives how we want to.

Good luck!

It took me three years, after my first ever post on the subject of my abusive relationship, to finally leave.

In between the bad times there were the good times which made it bearable. Then the good times became just ok times and before long there were no good or ok times. By this stage I was completely exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically, I had nothing left to give and nowhere to go with it so I made a call to Women's Aid and they helped me to leave.

I had been planning for that day for a good two years though, I had my list and everything prepared in my mind, I suppose I always expected that I would have to leave and subconsciously worked myself up to it. After all that planning and mental preparation actually leaving was easy. I left and didn't look back and now I am happier than I have been in years. I think if I had left before i was ready, before I had exhausted every possibility of the relationship actually working I may have been drawn back in again. As it happens he tried his best to get me back but it didn't work.

I would say to you just keep planning and preparing for your exit. One day you will be ready and you will leave. You are not stupid, you are trapped in a cycle of abuse. You are strong woman, you have to be in order to tolerate what you are living with.

If you contact Women's Aid you can be put in touch with a floating support worker. She will meet with you, listen to you and discuss your options. She will support you if you decide to stay in the home or if you decide to leave. You don't have to do this alone, there is help out there, wonderful help, you just have to make that call.

Good luck x