what to do about narc mum ? Do I call her.....

[prettywhiteguitar]

okay, I'm due on saturday an di need to make a decision about what I'm going to do, I had a horrid arguement 2 months ago at my house where I told my mum to leave as she was a negative influence in my life and at the moment I can't deal with her.

Spoke again about 2weeks ago where I said that I wouldn't have any contact with her until she had some sort of councelling for dealing with the death of my dad (3years ago) we did actually have some sort of normal conversation after her using the usual emotional blackmail on me, I said stuff like that I understood why she was so angry but to feel like that all the tim eis affecting her behaviuor and she is clearly not dealing with it as well as she thinks she is ( she thinks shes fine) to be honest shes always been an old witch but until dads death I never saw her so it really didn't matter. I told her this that our relationship would not get better until shhe dealt with her anger and I would not be a sounding board, she agreed but then said that scarifying the lawn was a way of dealing with anger.....I said no she still needs counselling and that until she considers it I really can't deal with her. She then starts crying and talking aabout my nan and then just ends the coversation. Went round in circles with her which is the usual way if she doesn't want to deal with things...

She called last night, knowing that my dp would answer probably....I don't know maybe not, she was asking about us and acting as if nothing had happened, I was upstairs getting ds to sleep, he had a short conversation saying everything was ok, my brother's just gone away too for 9 months which was one of the issues that I couldn't cope with dealing with mum on my own. Dp said at the end of the conversation ok well I'll tell PWG that you rang and ask her to ring back, with which my mum replied oh no PWG doesn't ring me and then muttered something else that dp didn't quite hear..

So now do I ring the old harriden or just leave her to stew

She isn't likely to take on board about what I've said about her not dealing with dads death very well and certainly won't go to councelling but I'm having a baby so I can't not see her indefinitely, although I would love to......

Arghhhhh why can't she just be normal ?

sorry about typos

Do we share a mum? Mine is the same. Just heading out but will respond as soon as am back... (the short answer is no btw!)

Dont ring back! you dont need the stress! i am also learning how to deal with narc Ex-p and a lot of the advice is to just not contact them. I think if you do decide to contact her, do it in writing (ie email) it will be harder for her to continue her conversation 'circle' and you can choose when to read her reply when you feel able to deal with it.

I found this article quite useful, its more to do with ExP's but i think the website has other stuff on dealing with parents.

Here

Enjoy the last few days of your pregnancy, and don't let thoughts or worries about your mum tarnish this precious time

thank you for responding I will look back later, just can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, pregnancy hormones clouding my judgement

Do not ring back; you will just act as her supply if you do so. She is not and never will be the mother you want her to be. Even when you presented a perfectly reasoned argument she turns the conversation around and starts crying and talking about your nan. Crying in such circumstances is very manipulative.

Narcs as well are completely averse to therapy . They do not think their approaches are wrong and your mother will never have counselling.

Longer term you may want to consider whether you want her at all in your life as well as your unborn child's. She will likely treat your newborn child as another form of supply.

www.daughtersofnarcissiticmothers.com is a good website for you to look at.

well said AttilaTheMeerkat

link doesn't seem to work for me, could you post it again?

I wish I had known what sort of person I was dealing with all these years. My DS's are now discovering for themselves what their father can be like and its so so painful for them as they don't understand, and hard for me to see them go through this. I can see now how i 'fed' him, and in my oldest sons words 'He will never change' so I have simply stopped trying. Not as easy as it sounds.

prettywhiteguitar sending you relaxing vibes

Thanks for the responses, I think I know deep down she won't have counselling so its a reason for me to cut contact...... but I need to have the conversation with her to tell me that, just not this week I think.

I think I will for now let dp (god love him) answer the phone to her as it takes the stress off me

I think you are all right about the supply, I gave her a lot to feed off last time as I tried to treat her as a normal person (after reading those websites I have recognised she is not) and it was a struggle for her to have me questioning her and telling her she couldn't cope etc. This is something I have never done. I am stronger now and an adult so I will treat this as an adult would and be polite but not engage.....just keep up the mantra " I really think you need help coping with dads death...get some counselling.....etc" then at least she can't slag me off to all and sundry that I have abandoned her when she is having such a terrible time

I hate her and I wish she was an adult and not an overgrown spoilt brat.....but she will never change and is as duplicitous as a snake

nunnyfickname I'm sorry your children have to deal with this :(

at least they have you ! I am not coping now as my brother who normally keeps me laughing through her visits and ridiculous phone calls has buggered off to canada for 9 months and then will probably still be out of the contact for another year after that at least (in the army)

it really helps to have others who know the narc well enough to laugh off their behaviuor and trivialise it

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

I would also consider having caller ID installed on your phone if this is not already there.

Thanks attilla that website is very useful, to be honest with the phone I just don't answer, then ring people back if I want to speak to them. Do you have simmilar problems with your mum ?

thank you for your advice

Hi PWG,

My brother in law is NPD and my inlaws are both basically dysfunctional (being kind here!) .

oh god that sounds awful, do you have anything to do with them ? Does your dh ?

BIL no, inlaws yes. We visit them only occasionally now.