Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Divorce after 7 weeks? Please Help!

21 replies

annac123 · 08/05/2011 22:50

Hi ladies, if anyone can offer me any wisdom id really appreciate it. Basically I have been married for 7 weeks and found out last week that my husband cheated on me 2-3 weeks AFTER our wedding. I really don't know what to do. Heres a bit of our history: Been together 8 years, have a son whos 6, hes cheated 4 times in our relationship (two 1 night stands and two affairs with the same woman a year between each one). The last time he cheated was 4 years ago. Since then we have gotten on really well and we got over all the trust issues etc, hence why we got married. I believed it would be a fresh start for us and we could forget the past. I also swore 4 years ago that if he ever cheated on me again it would be over. He never ever wanted to get married until he surprised me at xmas with a proposal. I'm really at a loss, i was so happy on our wedding day, really believed he'd changed and that we could make it. And now i find out this, is our marriage just a joke or what? Thanks for reading. Anna. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

HattiFattner · 08/05/2011 23:00

4x in 8 years- and now another one? he aint gonna change. Question is, can you live with his infedelity- if not, tell him to ship out.

Doha · 08/05/2011 23:00

This man is a serial cheater, You have "forgiven " him so many times he just thinks he can get away with it again. A piece of paper saying he is married means nothing to him.
He will not change. You either have to accept it, as you have done so far, or leave him.
He is setting you up for a lifetime of cheatinf. You deserve better.
What has he said Anna have you confronted him--again?

zikes · 08/05/2011 23:03

Oh dear. If you want a faithful husband, it doesn't look like he's capable of it.

Original poster

annac123 · 08/05/2011 23:05

Thanks for your honest words, i know this deep down. I got a text message of his friends gf saying she couldnt keep it a secret anymore and that she had to tell me he had cheated. I confronted him and he admitted it straight away (which is unusual for him) he was full of tears, sorrys etc, saying it was just a huge very drunken mistake. Then he turned it round to be my fault (lack of sex etc). xxxxxxx

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/05/2011 23:18

I am so sorry anna

but unless you want to continue to be cheated upon for the rest of this marriage, you really should end it

there is no shame in standing up and saying "no more"

the fact he is starting to blame you will grind you down and just kill your self esteem

he is a serial cheater, no more no less

free yourself before it destroys you

everytime he does it, he will have to make less effort to keep you there

the fact that this time he so readily fessed up and expected you to roll over like a fucking doormat tells it's own tale

so sorry

ManicMarie · 08/05/2011 23:21

annac123

Why have you posted this when you already have the answer? Very sorry, btw.

visionthing · 08/05/2011 23:23

You are going to have to stand firm by your resolve to kick him out if he ever did it again.

Blaming you because of lack of sex? How dare he! That alone shows that he doesn't see you (or women) as real human beings - you were put on this Earth to service him, in his twisted mind.

I don't care if you've been married 7 weeks or 7 decades. This is never going to change.

Fimbo · 08/05/2011 23:24

I had a long term relationship with someone like this. Believe me they don't change and I think I have heard possibly ever excuse under the sun.

You need to make a life for you and your ds away from this tosser.

Original poster

annac123 · 08/05/2011 23:25

I honesly don't know marie, wishing for a magic wand or a time machine? lol. I don't talk to my friends anymore about it (not that i have many) as they got fed up, understandibly, the last time. And now ive made out how happy we are and hes changed and ive proved them wrong etc that now i just look like a complete dick for marrying him in the first place. xxxxxx

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/05/2011 23:29

you would be more of a dick to stay

your friends will understand, if they were real friends that is

don't cut off your nose to spite your face

don't sweep another shag of his under the carpet "just to prove everyone wrong"

he is wrong

get fucking rid of him

zikes · 08/05/2011 23:30

He's the dick here.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/05/2011 00:35

You really do only have two options: end the relationship or learn to live with the fact that he is not and never will be monogamous. There is no third option of a magic potion that will make him become and remain faithful.

wineisfine · 09/05/2011 02:03

Cut your losses. He's made a fool of you - don't compound the error by making it easy for him. He obviously has no respect for you; that's not your fault, it's his, but it'll be hard to have respect for yourself if you go back on your word (to end it if it happened again).

He lied to you on your wedding day, he lied to you about this, if his friend's GF knows then so do plenty of people, it's not a 'saving face' issue - you have nothing to be ashamed of. You gave him a chance, you married him! He's thrown that in your face and you need to get rid. Tell everyone why. Hold your head high. Put yourself first.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/05/2011 08:06

I believe in the UK you can't get divorced until you've been married a year. You could separate though.

FreudianSlipper · 09/05/2011 08:25

you swore 4 years ago if he cheated again that would be it. well he has and either you stick to your word and move on or you stay with him and accept that he will always have relationships outside your marriage because; one he wants too (and do you really want that from your husband) and secondly he knows you will forgive him again and again. surely you want a man not to cheat because he just does not want to he does not want to but what he has with you at risk

can you be happy with that? not many can and do you want a life of checking up on him, stomach in knots all the time because you are wondering what he is up to

LittleBlueBoat · 09/05/2011 08:29

Life is too short to spend it with a man that does not love you or respect you.

You dont have to take his cheating. He has already braken the marrage by cheating, its not really a marrage is it?

Sorry. Dont beat your self up about it, you trusted and love someone and they let you down. Shame on them not you.

Good luck for the future

AKissIsNotAContract · 09/05/2011 08:34

As it's so soon you could get the marriage annulled rather than divorcing.

NoWayNoHow · 09/05/2011 08:45

AnyFucker is spot on - you can't pretend another infidelity hasn't happened just because you're worried that people will think you're a mug.

People will think you're more of a mug if you stay with a man who's cheated on you 5 times in 8 years.

BTW, making it out to be your fault is a very slippery slope - the second you start to believe even an iota of this nonsense is the beginning of bad times. There have been far too many threads recently from women who are at the bottom of that slippery slope, and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

It doesn't matter if you're married or not (besides, obviously, that he's now not only cheated, but broken fresh life-long vows ). You have given him permission to keep on cheating by forgiving him 4 times. He has no reason to believe that you will not continue to forgive each and every infidelity still to come.

You have to decide whether you want to stay with him and accept his affairs/one night stands, or whether you want a new start.

Up to you...

LittleBlueBoat · 09/05/2011 08:58

NoWaynohow is right.

If it was reversed do you think he would want to be with you if you cheating all the time on him?

Who is more important to you : him or you?

Why do you deserve to be in a reationship that is one sided, why do you deserve to be cheated on?

If other men dont cheat why settle for one that does?

If you stay with this man it will never get better.

Smum99 · 09/05/2011 11:47

Do you have DCs?
Sadly you have married a serial cheater, he has issues that only he can resolve. What are your concerns about breaking up the marriage? make a list of all the fears you have and then you can start to confront them..it could be fear of being alone, fear of financial insecurity, fear of outside opinions etc

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 09/05/2011 12:09

You know Anna, really good friends will be relieved that you've finally seen the light, as well as terribly sorry for what you've been through. I think you'll find your friendships will get back on track now that they don't have to smile when they hear you say how much he's changed, while seething inside because they just know he hasn't. It's often very difficult for friends to tell the blunt truth to someone in denial and so in many cases, they elect to stay away, rather than be disingenuous with their friend, or feel guilt about raining on her parade.

You do really need to follow through on your threats though with your H, because this history shows that he will always be unfaithful given the opportunity and believes he will either be never found out or forgiven if he is. That's utter contempt and your life will be a misery.

I'm really hoping you don't have DCs with this man and can go for a clean break. Get support from wherever it is offered and it might help to heal any breaches in your friendships if you reach out for their support now and perhaps explain why you didn't want to listen to their viewpoints beforehand.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread