So confused

[yellowraincoat]

Hi, I'm a new poster, really not sure what to do and would love some advice or just to know someone is listening.

I am having big problems with my partner. At the moment I feel nothing for him. I don't know how this happened because I used to feel so strongly about him. But now I just look at him and feel nothing. It's a horrible feeling.

We have not had a very easy relationship. I have mental health problems (BPD/depression) and when we met, we were quite young (21/22). I think he just had no idea how to deal with my issues at that time so we were on and off for a number of years (although I always wanted us to be together, I pushed him away a lot/moved away too).

Anyway, we eventually got together properly about 18 months ago and we now live together. It has not been easy; in the beginning, I would panic every time he left the house, beg him not to go, stop him from leaving. This escalated into me hitting him which I am so ashamed of. It all came to a head after about 3 or 4 months when I cut myself quite badly during an argument. I realised how out of control I was getting, and after that things calmed down a lot. I no longer hit him or ask him not to leave me, we haven't had a big proper row in months.

Things are very up in the air at the moment - I was meant to go back to university last year but I wasn't allowed on medical grounds. I have re-applied this year and am waiting for my medical. I am really stressed about this - I want to go back to university so much and I was gutted when I couldn't go last year. I've had such an unsettled life, so much moving around and this would be my chance for a good career and a settled life. I've been trying really hard this year to get better, and have managed to stick at my job with no sick days for my depression for almost a year, which is a real breakthrough for me. I'm hoping the uni doctor will see this and say I'm ok to return.

If I went to university we'd have to move (in the same city but opposite side). We have talked about this a lot and he's always said he's happy to do that. This weekend, I have been feeling depressed for the first time in a while. I was annoyed that my partner wasn't very supportive and it ended up in an argument. He said he was unhappy and that he didn't think we should move next year, ie I move and he stays in our flat.

I have no idea what to do. I'm really at my wit's end. There's so much going on in my head. I can't go to the doctor at the moment, as if the uni doctor sees that I've been depressed again, she probably won't say I can go to uni. I can't afford private therapy.

I'm sorry this is so long and doesn't even really explain the problem. It's just all so complicated and horrible.

Why do you need to pass a medical to go to uni? I've never heard of that before. Is that not disability discrimination? Can your GP not refer you for counselling/pschotherapy? Have you been referred to a psychiatrist/psychiatric nurse? It seems like your depression is quite debilitating for you and that you should be getting more intensive help.

I think you have to sort yourself out first before you can deal with relationship stress.

Thank you so much for your reply.

I need to pass a medical because I'll be doing teacher training - you have to have a medical before that.

My GP - well, as I said, can't see them before my uni medical because it would be on my record. And I've tried so many times to get help and every time, the NHS has been pretty shit to be honest. I don't have any help at the moment.

To be honest it's all such a mess, and I've moved so often that I never get to know a GP and there are so many problems in my relationship that I just want to hide my head in the sand and hope it all goes away.

Hi there - would you really have to move if you went to uni? If you are doing teacher training a lot of the time will be spent on placement, and maybe you'd actually be moving further away from your placement school.

Do you know when your teacher training medical will be? Also, can you ring the teacher training agency or go on one of the websites (Times Ed or similar) and see if having a recent episode of depression would actually count against you? You might be able to find out what the purpose of the medical is, what they're looking out for. Depression is a very common illness and I would imagine that not letting people on the course because of depression would count as discrimination like Darlene said. Or, even better, ring the university - they will have a student support department who will be able to help you. You should be able to make any of these calls anonymously if you are worried.

I would think that having treatment for depression isn't such an issue for the university - it could possibly be the number of sick days you've taken if they want to be able to make sure you'll see the course out. So if you look at it like that, you're actually doing yourself a favour by going to the doctor and getting help as it's enabling you to keep working and have fewer days off sick. Look at it as if it was asthma, say, instead of depression - if you were an asthmatic who could control the illness with medication, and not have many sick days, no-one would think twice about you going to the doctor for check-ups and asthmas clinics, and it would seem crazy not to take your inhalers and end up in hospital.

I'm really concerned that you are struggling and could do with some help from your doctor. Please make some calls tomorrow and hopefully your mind will be put at rest a little so you feel able to get some help.

I think your feelings for your partner have got caught up with your depression and feeling nothing can be a very common symptom. There has been some bad stuff going on though and it doesn't sound like a very happy relationship. If you can get some treatment, maybe things will become clearer when you are feeling better and you will know whether it's worth putting some hard work in to get your relationship straightened out.

For the moment, though, concentrate on getting yourself sorted. Take care.

Wow I never had a medical for teacher training ever. Are you really sure you need one? I had CRB checks and everything else. Or are you not in the UK?

It sounds so hard for you right now :(

Hi and thanks for your replies...

Had a big chat with partner - the main problems are that he wants to go out more where I am happy to stay in (happy? not sure that's the right word, just very often not up to going out). I feel like I'm not "enough" for him - of course it's ok that he goes out, but it's like he finds being with me boring.

Would definitely need to move to go to uni. We are in London and the uni is on the edge of the other side of town. Would take me almost 2 hours to get there from here.

I think it's a good idea to call the uni, but I guess I just don't trust them. Last year the doctor was quite scathing of me - didn't matter how often I said I was sure I could cope with the course, she told me I wouldn't be able to. To be honest, I feel she did discriminate against me.

It could, like you say OhWestern, that it's more about days off. I was signed off for much of last year. I'm not sure, I'm so confused. I suppose I just feel so ashamed for being crap all the time. I really want to go to uni, I don't want to mess up my chances.

Yes Hanaka, I'm really sure I need a medical. That's why I wasn't allowed to university last time.