I am a regular on Stately Homes and have moved on loads in dealing with my family through what I have learnt from MN.
This makes some things more difficult,since I no longer play the same role in my family.My father was verbally,physically and sexually abusive to me and my mother has an NPD -like personality.
When I was with abusive xp,I wrote a long letter to my family in which I said all the things I had always wanted to say about how unacceptable my mother and father had been ,and were still being. It was not meant to be posted.XP hand delivered it.My parents did not speak to me for a year.My brothers said they would never speak to me again.Xp engineered a reunion with my parents and took all the credit for building bridges etc.
Prior to meeting xp,I was a single mother to my 4 dc and my family considered me a social embarrassment and let down,having "failed" at two marriages and being a single parent.My B and SIL told me they did not want me and my dc at their dc's birthdays etc as I was "not respectable",and my dc were " a rabble".
I have maintained a full-time professional career,but my family believe I should be at home with my dc,since I have failed at providing a stable family.I referred to some of this in my letter,which is why my B and SIL say they will never forgive me,as they deny it was said.
I had dc5 and became enlightened re xp via the NPD thread here.He was just like my father.We have no contact now,and a year on,I am about to return to work .All 5 dc and I are doing well together.
My parents were in my house the last time xp appeared.He threatened me and shouted for ages in front of them. Following that,I had a panic alarm fitted,support from WA and took out a Court Order.They stuck up for him,and told dc that I was in the wrong.They maintain that I am being unfair to "deny him a relationship with his daughter" and insist on asking if we have made it up yet whenever we see them. They deny that they witnessed abuse and say I am exaggerating.
My dc do not want to go no contact.They are aware that Granny is odd and says strange things,but I "played the game" for so long,that they are used to the strange,distant relationship we have. I manage it now by acting jolly and very superficial.I do not expect my parents to be anything other than what they are.I treat them like rather odd,unfortunates whom we must humour once or twice a month with a brief cup of tea-type visit at my house.I let the nonsense wash over me,as far as I can.The dc share chit-chat and news and get pocket money.
My brothers have never acknowledged dd5.We have not spoken for 4 years now.But When my parents visit,at birthday/Christmas/Easter they bring money,cards and presents for my dc which they have been given by my brothers to pass on.Despite never acknowledging her birth,dd5 recently received a birthday card and present from my brother and sil.
I find this VERY difficult,and would like to send them back and tell my parents to stop bringing them.But this would upset all the dc,cause a scene and a row with my parents,and confirm to my family that I am indeed the nasty person they believe me to be.
My parents tell my dc - away from my ears - that their uncles miss them and would love to see them,and could it be arranged,without mummy being involved.My dc always say no ,and tell me about it.My parents,when confronted ,either deny,or say it is my fault for refusing to build bridges.I have telephoned and written to my brothers and they ignore/hang up.
My b's contacted my xh and asked if he would bring the dc to see them when he has contact.Xh said he would not get involved and suggested my b contacted me to make things up,as I was pg with dd5.My b said he would never accept an apology from me and wished never to see me again,but that he has a right to see my eldest 4 dc.
I want to have a Christening for dd5.I do not want any of this toxic stuff to feature.If I don't invite my parents there will be a row.If I do,they will convey sentiments and possibly presents from my b's,via my dc which I will feel badly about.
Last week,my eldest dd was asked if she would like to attend a family reunion in my late grandmothers village ,for all my fathers family to get together - he is terminally ill.She was asked not to tell me as my brothers do not want me to come,but they would like my eldest 4 dc there.
How do I deal with this.Sorry it's so long,thanks for reading.