Can't stop thinking about past dv

[dollydoops]

My partner and I have been together off and on for 6 years. It has been a tempestuous time, we have many issues that I have posted about twice in other threads and that is why I am only just giving up my rented flat to move in with dp. (we are both women by the way). The problem is that up until about 18 months ago, we used to have occasional outbursts of physical violence between us. I was not innocent in these episodes but was definitely less physically violent than dp- would pull/push her whereas she would hold me down, hit me, once threw a drink over me. These episodes have totally stopped now and we are stable and quite happy. However, there are two episodes that happened quite some time ago but that I find it hard to forget- oncewhen dp lost it and was whacking
me round the head with a shoe and once when she was trying to drag me downstairs.

I know you will say I should have left at the time, but the fact is that I didn't and that we have now got over this and settled. How do I forget about the past and move on?

I'm sorry but once there is a hint of violence in any relationship then it's time to get out

I would suggest professional counselling, there is the option of it healing with time I suppose, but if you are still thinking about it, then I would suggest acting now. If you are about to move in together you want a fresh start rather than past issues haunting you just as you embark on a new future together.

As someone that has experienced domestic violence i would say that someone that is prone to violence will very rarely ever be "cured"

I am glad that you have reached a stage where you feel things are settled but i would say that you are still traumatised by a very frightening experience. You are probably having doubts about your safety and a sub conscious level now that you are looking at moving in with her.
You now realise that you will have no way of having space of your own if things get a little too heated or if you have an argument.

I think you would both benefit from some counselling, either alone or as a couple.

What changed for the tempestuous time to just stop? did you change your behaviour, or did she, or did you both.

Is there anyone working to keep a fragile peace here, or are you both relaxed and happy and getting on with life?

HerHissyness (great name by the way!) I would say that we are fairly relaxed and happy, but perhaps occasionally when we argue the fragility of what we used to have comes back. I think we have both changed our behaviour in terms of getting physical with each other, but that DP (and to a lesser extent I) still need to work on what we say to each other and how we say it.
MamazOn- I agree that it does feel quite traumatic when I think about the past. It's one of those things that you have to consciously pull your mind away from if it starts, if you see what I mean.

'Stable and quite happy' - I don't think quite happy is enough tbh. I think you should only move in if you're really happy or just plain happy .

oh god, dont give up your flat fgs.

i think relationship counselling is the way to go - its like getting it out thee with a stranger in the room puts everything into perspective that is considered a norm in the relationship

Thanks dollydoops

Instinct and intuition work for all relationships.

I am happy to hear that you are broadly peaceful and happy, but tbh, you don't sound excited to be with one another. Are you living together full time now or do you still have some nights/time in your flat?

I'd have to say that you ought not to give up the flat until you have moved in and are 100% sure this is how, with whom and where you want to live. Custardo gives good advice about counselling.