Hi, all. I've posted here, on and off, for the last six or seven years - mostly about my eldest son's issues with impulsive behaviour/ADHD diagnosis.
This one is, I think, a lot more complicated.
My wife and I met in the mid '90s and married in '97. I guess you could say we got together in 'extreme circumstances' - I'd just escaped a relationship with a woman who, although sexually exciting, was extreme and erratic (and, at one point, suicidal). My wife broke off an engagement to be with me.
We've always had plenty of intimacy and easy connection - and great sex. But in the years since my second son (now 6) was born, we found it more and more difficult to balance each other's diverging sex drives. (Unsurprisingly, I wanted lots of sex, she would have probably been okay with two or three times a month).
Of course, there's the post-birth hormonal issue and the shifting priorities and energies of parenthood, but I always hoped we could maintain some kind of sexual relationship through it all.
But we now find ourselves with two demanding young boys (10 and 6) - one of whom has ADHD-related behavioural problems - and with absolutely zero sexual connection.
We sleep in the same bed and share basic physical intimacy (cuddles, hand-holding, cringingly chaste kisses)... but there's no sign of anything resembling a rekindling of sex or sexual desire. Although nothing has really changed outwardly (no weight-ballooning or hygiene issues) she says she just 'doesn't see me that way' any more. And, sadly, over the last few months, I've started to feel the same. (The resentment has changed to resignment and, where I used to look at her and see someone I fancied, I now see someone who I know is technically attractive, but who is unattainable and therefore not a sexual prospect any more).
We've been to counselling, but I found it extremely painful as I felt cast as the villain - someone whose insistent sexual appetite had pushed my wife into retreating from sex altogether. The discussions tended to focus on me and how I manage my desire, but it always felt pointless and academic. Even in the first session, there was a strong sense that my wife had passed through into a place of no return.
I'm in my (very) early '40s and feel like I have plenty of fine years of potency left. :) I'm simply not ready to live without a sexual relationship and, obviously, I can see that we might have to separate to put that right. But there are times when I feel like I've built a home and two great children and so it's my responsibility to stick the fuck around and see it all through. After all - it's only sex, right?
I can't talk to any male friends about this and I've lost faith in therapy/counselling. I have simply no idea what to do next, as nothing seems to work. Walking away from my wife would mean walking away from my children and I can't bear the thought of that. Putting up with a sexless marriage would keep our family together, but on a flimsy foundation and I can only see myself getting more and more unhappy.
My wife has suggested we go for an 'open' arrangement and, of course, I've had plenty of short-lived thrills along those lines... But I'm certain that she isn't doing the same. I feel like a wayward teenager who's been told he can have his own way outside the home as long as he doesn't disrupt things inside. I don't want that. I want my wife to want me not just as a friend, a brother figure, a life partner, a fellow parent... but as a man, too.
SB