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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

feeling pretty hopeless right now

13 replies

elephantsaregreen · 08/05/2011 06:29

DP and I have been having problems for a loooong time. We've been going to counseling after I told him that I think we should split up. The biggest problem is that he seems to be completely incapable of talking about our problems. I texted him the other day about something which had hurt my feelings. (Thought texting might be a non-threatening way to communicate and because he has Dyslexia might be easier) He didn't respond and when I brought it up he said 'what do you want me to say'.

I broke down today and said that I feel like I am going crazy because I can't raise issues and when I do he seems to pretty much ignore them. Case and point he got defensive, said I was making him out to be horrible and then went on the computer and said he needed to 'chill out'.

It's like being in the twilight zone and I'm starting to think that breaking up is the only option to regain my sanity. I swear I think I'm developing anxiety as a result too. Constantly have knots in my stomach...

Problem is if we can't talk about how problems how will we every be able to sort out a separation. I have tremendous fear of being being the parent who 'left' so I'm really reluctant to be the one to physically leave, but am starting to think it might be inevitable. We have two DD (5 and 3) and co-own a house together. I'm starting to fear the worst and it's leaving me feeling paralysed. Like I might have to get a lawyer or someone else to professionally mediate as we can't seem to discuss much rationally. Feel full of dread.

I've posted before. Sorry that I haven't put in the full backstory but I feel so sick of myself and this reality that I can't bear describing it all.

no violence but this emotional stonewalling is so difficult. We are a great team, we manage projects together really well but as a couple it seems like a total mismatch.

OP posts:
Parietal · 08/05/2011 07:00

Sorry, can't offer any advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Are you still doing the counselling? Can't the counsellor recommend something?

TDada · 08/05/2011 07:08

elephant - sorry to hear. I am sure many couples can relate to some of what you are experiencing? What did the counsellor say? Sounds as though you still like/love each other? ...but you have some baggage?

elephantsaregreen · 08/05/2011 07:28

you are correct in saying baggage... our counselor has just been focussing on helping us talk to eachother. Been seeing counselors individually as well. I am considering sleeping in the other room tonight. But I am scared and I don't even know of what. feel like I am going bonkers...

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TDada · 08/05/2011 07:37

Is there anything positive that you can do with each other like going to the gym together or a game of tennis/squash/badminton, or a jog around the block?

Sounds like deep down you both blame each other for the past ...... how to get you focussed on enjoying your future with your dear children? Life really is too short. Your DH needs to realise this and come to his senses.

elephantsaregreen · 08/05/2011 12:02

The problem is that when we get busy and do stuff we get along ok, but he never says anything nice to me (or mean) I feel totally taken for granted.

I feel like he has prioritised his fear over my pain and I don't know if he should be forgiven for that.

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TDada · 08/05/2011 20:02

what sort of childhood/parental role model did he have. Does he respond to you breaking the ice with a hug or praise or affection from you?

elephantsaregreen · 08/05/2011 21:16

It seems like he had pretty shit rolemodeling. In the six years we have been together I've never seen him touch his mother or refer to her as anything other than 'the old lady'.

He doesn't respond to me breaking the ice. I am always the one who 'reaches out' or tries to bridge the gap after a fight. He basically just ignores it. until I get tired of being upset/angry, it all goes away until the next time.

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FabbyChic · 08/05/2011 21:22

Does he have a fear of emotional closeness? He seems pretty closed off, I do think you are going to have to say to him, look if we cannot talk about it and we cannot resolve it we have to split up because I cannot live like this

Please do not leave the home, you are entitled to stay there more than he is because you have the children to consider.

Sleep in the other room too, because he needs to know that things cannot continue the way they are, something has to change or before long it will be too late and there will be no turning back.

elephantsaregreen · 09/05/2011 05:09

you are correct in saying baggage... our counselor has just been focussing on helping us talk to eachother. Been seeing counselors individually as well. I am considering sleeping in the other room tonight. But I am scared and I don't even know of what. feel like I am going bonkers...

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/05/2011 11:15

He doesn't want to talk about your problems, by the sound of it. Some people are more interested in talking things out than others are, and when two people living together are on opposite ends of the scale then they both have to learn to compromise - he will talk and listen sometimes and you will let him stay quiet or end a conversation at others. But if there are issues in a relationship and only one partner is making any attempt to compromise or fix the problem, then it's usually not a good sign: the reluctant partner doesn't want change because s/he is happy with the situation the way it is.

elephantsaregreen · 11/05/2011 09:31

Hi everyone thanks for all your postings. I'm sorry for my silence. I just wanted to avoid the issue for a few days... The update is that I called him (again me taking the first step) to talk about it and got a lot of stuff off my chest. He responded.. ok.. I guess. He apologised for the most recent fight and I told how we are on a knife edge, that the relationship is in crisis...blah blah blah (gosh I get so sick of the sound of my voice, repeating the same old same old).

I also went to get some free legal advice just to get some basic information, so that was useful.

On a different note, I can't stop thinking (and dreaming) about my ex! He and I reconnected online (he lives on the other side of the world) but since he has found a girlfriend he has cut off contact with me... I suppose it was kinda like an emotional affair and I haven't talked to him in months but I just can't stop thinking about him...

sigh. I really do feel like I am in the twilight zone. Nothing makes sense. and I can't remember what 'normal' is...

I'm just having a rant. I'm not expecting any great words of wisdom.. thanks for listening..

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BarbieGrows · 11/05/2011 10:57

Dreams about ex... probably just psychological relief from the constant pressure you are under. Best keep it to yourself, it will pass.

On a more selfish note, what did they say about your position legally? (I'm in a similar position- feel I am being pushed into being the one that leaves but we co-own the house).

I've lived in this twilight zone for 25 years and believe me, nothing changed. Like springchicken said, he doesn't want it to change, he wants it to stay as it is. I guess it's a form of controlling behaviour and therefore abusive by definition. But that's my guess.

Also... don't text someone with dyslexia!!! what were you thinking! Wink

elephantsaregreen · 11/05/2011 20:13

heh. Actually the texting is quite effective. He can take his time to read it and feels less stressed than when we gets a message verbally.

The legal situation is that everything is 50/50 in terms of assets/possessions. But I am in NZ so not sure where you are Barbie?

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