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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me

16 replies

lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 01:01

Please if you can

I was left/dumped today after a year by the love of my life. It was out of the blue apart from some weirdness the other day which I posted about in AIBU

I just don't understand it and I feel so desperate. It's only just sinking in that I have to have days, weeks, months, my life....withot him. How am I supposed to cope? I love him so much. I don't want to face any of it at all. How does anyone get through times like this? and I'm usually the first to tell anyone they can do it, be strong etc. But my god I just don't want a life without him in it.

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norwegianwood · 08/05/2011 01:23

I'm sorry your feeling like this.
I don't know your backstory.
What was your relationship like?

perfumedlife · 08/05/2011 01:34

I must say, his weirdness about the weight deal left a bad taste in my mouth. It seemed such a creepy, controlling thing to say, like he was policing you and inventing deals you never made.

I thought he gave up lots to move in with you just weeks ago? What was his reason for bailing out?

AprilRose · 08/05/2011 01:42

Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. Have some virtual hugs from a stranger.

I had a similar experience at the beginning of the year - slightly shorter relationship, but I was very much besotted and he, without warning, broke it off.

All I can say is that you'll spend a lot of time in the shaken, crying, not-eating stage when you keep remembering the raw pain of the sudden and unexpected ending of something you were heavily emotionally invested in.

Then you'll start to think you can move on, but it'll be in a numb sort of way, in which everything makes you think of him and you just want to see him, to hear his voice, for him to tell you it'll be ok, and that he's realised he was wrong. This bit is actually far worse than the initial shock, as it makes you feel really desperate and pathetic. It passes, slower than you want it to, but it does pass.

Eventually you'll start to realise that there is a world outside that relationship. That perhaps he wasn't the one for you. That although you still miss him dearly, you begin to think that you actually might be able to make it without him.

That's as far as I've got. I believe future steps include the whole moving on and finding a newer, better manshape, but right now that thought is difficult for me to comprehend, so I don't expect you to be anywhere near ready for it.

What you need is support, and understanding. Take advantage of all support offered to you, in RL and online - I'll bet there are dozens of ladies here who have had their hearts broken (or merely bruised - I refuse to accept that he broke mine, although it felt like it at the time) and who have survived to tell the tale. Your wound is fresh and needs time to heal, but I assure you that it will be ok.

lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 01:50

He has gone back to his ex. Decided he still loved her. I just can't deal with it, or understand, or anything. I don't even know what to say

....

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lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 01:52

I have m best friend coming over about 2.30, but I don't know how I'm meant to cope when he is gone.

DP has long history with the ex, but it was all done with long before me. I can't bear this horrible pain.

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perfumedlife · 08/05/2011 01:57

Oh Lubey, I'm sorry, it hurts like hell. Are you 100% sure it was ever over with the ex? How long did he say he was away from her?

lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 02:07

It was over many months, not quite sure how many before he met me. He had started divorce proceedings and had his own place.

He told me face to face he had spoken to her and realised he still loved her

It's just so cruel, I have no room for manouvere at all, I can't argue with that, they were together 20 years. A few hours talking to her before they went ahead with final bits of divorce, and a year with me is just instantly trash to be discarded.

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lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 02:14

should add as well they had problems and counselling over ten years of that and nothing worked, apparently apart from a year of bliss with me.

Everyone I love leaves me

My dad left when i was two. We have a strained and infrquent relationship now.

My mum did when I was 16 and had my 3 month old dd. She moved 200 miles away and makes no secret of preferring my brother

My dd's dad left for another woman when dd was 16 months old

My relationship after that, he left to move to Oz after 4 months

The one after that got a year into it and left me and moved to Thailand

Then I got married and he was an abusive cunt. It took me 7 years to leave him

Then after three years of singledom and sorting my head out I met this one. We were together nearly a year and then this.

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lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 02:19

In answer to the first reply norweiganwood our relationship was amazing. He was kind, affectionate, we had the same views and sense of humour, agreed on the big issues in life, had amazing days and nights out together, I let him meet my dd back in jan and they got on like a house on fire, everything was the best I've ever had it. He cooked for and looked after me when i needed it and sometimes when I didn't. He wrote me lovely letters and poerty just because he could... now and then.

He surpsised and delighted me often. and all i ever did was love and appreciate him, and make him welcome in my life.

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perfumedlife · 08/05/2011 02:21

You can't be blamed for your parents break up, or your mums decision to move away. And you were the strong one leaving an abusive dh. You are a stunning looking woman and you are intelligent. I believe you have met the same amount of mr almost rights as the rest of us, it's just that you seem to feel each one should last, should be mr forever. That's just rarely how it works out.

Sounds like dp panicked at the finality of the divorce and this may not work out. Why should it, when they have had problems going back ten years? But after a year, to leave you so suddenly is shocking, he only just gave up 'so much' to move in with you!

lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 02:33

I know. It;s just so cruel and final and.... it's like he has thought out every millimetre of reasoning I had and already had an swer to it. He chose the one thing I just can't find an argument with.

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perfumedlife · 08/05/2011 02:39

You wouldn't want to put forward an argument to force him to stay though, it would be like forcing him. If he wants to leave for other reasons and is too cowardly to tell you them, well, good riddance. Life is hard enough without shielding a coward. You need someone strong and capable, just like you.

Your intuition was spot on last Wednesday. The little comments about you breaking your side of the deal sound like he was justifying his cold feet to himself. You won't feel this yet, but you really are better off without such a man.

I hope your friend comes round and gives you a hug and a listening ear. No matter how tempted, don't get pissed and text him.

lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 02:43

Yeah. I knew something wasn't right... BUT his ongoing apologies were so genuine and thorough, and everything was brilliant again. Better than ever even I though, for having talked a lot about it

I know signs point to me maybe having been needy or a handful, but i swaer i wasn't. In real life I kept everything in check, it's only on MN that I was upset and questioning things a bit.

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Konchita · 08/05/2011 02:44

What you had was a good thing and he won't forget you easily. I think this is not the last you've seen of him, give it some time and he will start appearing in your life again and who knows...

But anyhow now try to get over it and heal and move on with your life ...easier said than done, I know, but what else can you do. He's not the last man on earth.

matthew2002smum · 08/05/2011 02:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lubeybooby · 08/05/2011 23:32

Urrrgh god. It's this time of night that's the hardest. He came and picked all his stuff up today, he blubbed all over the place and it was just so awful. I do have some sense of closure though and a little satisfaction from being (somehow, I have no idea how) less upset than him.

I just have such a massive void in my life now, I've kept so busy to try and fill it but now I'm out of energy and things to clean and do. I still couldn't sleep just yet though. It's horrible and hurts so much.

I'm also wondering when I will get past this feeling that I don't want anyone else to ever kiss or touch me let alone have sex.

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