He would like another child, i don't; anyone been in this situation?

[newgirl]

I thought I would find something on here about this, but no joy yet.

So, anyone got any good advice in this situation? We have a lovely 18 mth d and my dh would like another but I just don't. I wasn't sure i wanted dd 1 (so sorry to the people out there who want one; 1 can't help my feelings).

we have talked about it and he says he is ok with it, but i just feel guilty. lots of people have said to me that its better for the child to have a sibling etc but what about the mother? aren't i allowed in the equation?

all i do is to say what ifeel and that is:
a there is no "perfect"family,they come in all shapes and sizes,it matters not a jot if children have siblings as to whether or not they have happy lives blah blah blah-do not take notice of anyone who tells you all the awfulness and misfortune a child will suffer if they are an only,its **ap.
b there is no way you should feel guilty,this is a child not a pet you are discussing,i think that you are brave to acknowledge your feelings on only wanting one child,i do think that people often have more than cos its the done thing,because they think only=lonely etc.if you feel complete as a family then your dh has to accept this,i think this works both ways too,when its the man who doesnt want any more children.he should focus on the good stuff you all have,on the family unit you are,and yes,he has to count his blessings that you have your daughter.you should not feel guilty about this,on the other hand ,imagine how guilty youd feel having another child you didnt want?every child should be wanted,shouldnt it?i really hope you can come to terms with your decision and feel happy.good luck. love yoko.
ps realise i have said nothing to actually help,sorry

Hi Newgirl,
I don't think you should feel guilty at all, only you know what you can cope with.
Many people are very happy with one child, I'm an only child myself, it's often said that only children are far more independent and self reliant. I personally, love my own company and will spend hours pottering about on my own(not that I get much of a chance these days).
DH and I are in a simular situation but the other way around,we have stepDD and 2 DS's together, I would love another, but completely understand him not wanting any more. Our DS's are twins and were very hard work for the first few years, they are now 5 and over the past year,they have got so much easier and we've started getting sometime to ourselves, so I can understand where he's coming from.
It seems like your DH understands as well, so don't feel too guilty !!!And don't listen to other peoples comments, only children are perfectly happy !!

ALL the research indicates that only children are more successful and equally happy as children with siblings. Don't feel guilty.

Dh and I have decided on sticking with one ds now 2. It's not a problem only having the one and just because you have another child doesn't mean hapiness all round. I never really got on with my brother and still don't, whats happy about that? It's your life too remember. Go with your gut instinct and tell others to keep their nose out.

There can be an enormous amount of pressure on parents to have another child but only you know when/if the time is right. I couldn't even contemplate having another baby when my dd was very young, I just could not imagine wanting another one. Even when my dd was 3 or 4 and saying she wanted a brother or sister I wasn't ready. Fortunately my dh wasn't sure either and so I didn't feel any pressure from him.
But when my dd was around five or six I came round to wanting another child and we had our ds when she was almost 7. She was perfectly happy being an only child but she adores her brother (most of the time )
Maybe for you as well, it is a case of not saying never, just not now. Only you will know.

Wishing you well whatever is right for you.

There are plenty of unwanted children in this world who have been born because their parents were careless, or their timing was off, or because people did what they thought everyone else was doing, or expecting them to do.

I had my third child to please my dh (who is not the father of the others). I did it to please him because he is a wonderful man who has always given me everything I have asked him for, materially or otherwise, and if not for that nothing could have induced me to do it.

It put a huge strain on our relationship, as I knew it would, but we are fine only because my dh wanted a baby so much that he was willing to put up with all my resentment and complaining.

Your dh has a child already. My advice would be, don't have any more unless you change your mind, deep inside yourself.

You most definitely are not doing anything wrong and your daughter will have a fantastic amount of attention from you.

i am very moved by the thoughtful responses on here. thank you very much. yoko; not come across you before but you did help me thank you! jac34 good to hear from a very happy 'only' child! aloha - love your research! furball - good to hear from a like-minded person. bossanova - wise words. thank you janstar too! ok, i feel much better about it all and very positive. i should now stop worrying and get on with fussing my dd!

Newgirl, dh and I have decided not to have any more children and I have found a book called 'The Only Child - Myths and Reality' by Ann Laybourn really helpful in reassuring myself that our decision will NOT necessarily cause lasting damage to ds. I got it from Amazon and when I ordered it, they said it would take about six weeks but the book arrived in about two weeks. It is also available here . HTH.

I feel like starting a new thread called one is best for exclusive use of mums with one. Except I'm a cheat because I have had an only one twice, one by first marriage and one by second marriage. But they are a generation apart and have never lived together so does that count?

I only ever wanted one child and have a lovely 17 mth d. Her interaction with other children and talking to some 'only children' friends about having no-one to play with on holidays etc. encouraged me to try for another.

I am now a matter of weeks pregnant and I feel so depressed (I always thought having a child would be a joyful occasion?) - I don't know whether deep down I didn't really want another or whether it's just hormones? I was really happy all through with my first?! Will this feeling go or will I resent the child when it's born?

Both our families have 'favourites' which has alienated us from them and made us slightly weary of having another in case we follow suit and I'm also really worried that I wont have enough love for the new one or will neglect my first - I couldn't bear that as I love her so much.

Any advice?

Talie, I have no advice for you since I only have one DD (18 months) and am due to have another girl in December. I just wanted to say that I felt the same way as you when I found out that I was pregnant. One difference between you and I though is that I had been planning on getting pregnant next year, and we had an accident. All I can say though is that I don't feel depressed about this pregnancy any more, and am looking forward to having another little baby again. I loved breastfeeding, and I loved to watch DD while she was so little and sleeping. I think that the feeling you have is normal and common because you adore your DD so much and it is hard to imagine having the same amount of love for another. I think your feelings of depression will go away soon. Hope so anyway.

Thanks Tinyfeet

I do hope this feeling will go - I suppose when the pregnancy becomes more real i.e. baby moving/kicking etc. then I should feel less depressed. Hope so.

Good luck with your new baby in December.