Please Help problems with Male friend.

[JustaNickname]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can without leaving out important details.

I split up with my DP Back in October. We have been back together since mid February and things are going well however when we split it was not amicable and we didn't speak at all apart from things to do with our DS. I honestly didn't think for a second we would get back together but thats the way things have turned out and I'm very happy. However we did keep it quite for the first while and have only really recently started telling people that we are together again.

I have been Friends with a man (Lets call him A) Since before I met DP (Known A nearly 7 years, DP nearly 6 years) Met A through a part time Job when we were teenagers and we clicked instantly and became very good friends. I must admit I fancied him but he had a girlfriend so nothing happened until about a month or two before I met DP when he had broken up with his girlfriend on a works do we kissed but thats was as far as it went. We remained friends and I met DP. Found out then that A and DP are first cousins but they do not speak as there parents has a falling out when they were younger. Honestly did not know they even knew each other let alone were related when I met DP. Flash forward about a year and I fell pregnant with DS. A has also got back with his Girlfriend and she was also pregnant just a month between us. So his DS and my DS are 3rd cousins IYSWIM.

Always remained friends with A although sometimes we could go quite a while without talking but when we did talk it would be like always. He is quite a natural flirt but I know what he's like so don't take much notice. DP has always been a little jealous over A because he knows I used to fancy him and we have a close friendship but I have always been completely honest.

That brings us to the few months DP and I were not together. I grew closer to A in the way that I would talk to him most days. Met him a few times just as friends honestly the only time anything happened was the kiss we had as teenagers. He was a massive support to me when I was going through a tough time and I could't be more grateful but I started to develop feelings for him of more then friendship. I don;t know if it was a rebound thing or not TBH. He has long since split with the mother of his DS and had had a few relationships since. The latest has just broken down so he was in the same situation as me feeling low and a bit hopeless. Our conversations turned more flirty but it was mutual and we both knew what was happening. Just as I thought something might happen as in we might go on a date or something he back tracks and says he doesn't want to hurt me and that he might be getting back with his ex.

I was glad he had been honest and we took a step back and went back to being just friends. about a month after this DP started talking about talking through our problems and giving things another go. Everything was fine up until a few weeks ago when A suddenly tells me he has fallen in love with me and how do I feel about him.Bear in mind he has gotten back with current girlfriend as as far as I can see had no intention of breaking up with her. I told him I was flattered and that I thought there would always be something between us but he was in a relationship and it was looking as if i would be to. He didn't take this well and up until tonight was not talking to me. Out of the blue he messages me just random chit chat when all of sudden made quite an inappropriate comment quite out of character. He has always been flirty but never disrespectful.

I told him I thought it was an odd thing to say and he responded that I wouldn't have minded a month ago if he said it to me. I explained that yes I would have as he was still in a relationship then and so was I. He said that he would just go back to not talking to me then and thats what he's doing now.

So sorry for the long post. Should I just accept this friendship is not healthy? I feel like this is all my fault and that I am a bad person and have hurt him. Please any help or advice would be great.

Imho, you set a boundary and he is not respecting it (he is not respecting you either). He wants to deflect the responsibility of the unethical choice away from himself by degrading you. His inappropriate comment was a sort of hissy fit to lay guilt and shame on you. Do not for one minute think this is about you or the quality of person you are; it is all about him. Congratulate yourself on a narrow escape.

Just fuck him off. Not worth your time.

i dont think your a bad person he had his chance when you and A had both split from your partners but he chose to get back with her and not try with you. now it sounds like he is either angry he chose the wrong woman when he had the chance and has taken it out on you a bit or because of the stressful events he isnt being his normal self.
this doesnt sound like your fault. if you feel bad maybe send a short email to him saying your sorry the situation has made him upsett and maybe it is best you dont talk for a while because your friendly chit chat has turned to inappropriate suggestions and you both need to cool off.

honestly if it were me, if things are going well with your partner then id ignore A and concentrate on making sure that resuming your relationship with your partner was the right thing to do.

at a time like this when you have a child and your back with its dad then you need to think only about whats best for you and your child and what will make both of you happy.
very best of luck

It sounds to me like he very much enjoyed the feeling of you adoring him and he decided to reel you back in once you were both in relationships and there was no chance of anything actually happening. I have a former friend who used to do this to another friend of mine - he was madly in love with her, she would say they could only be friends, but as soon as he got interested in anyone else she would claim to have feelings for him and fuck everything up for him. She never actually went out with him and it took him a few years to see the light, at which point he cut her out of his life.

You did everything right - you didn't do anything when you were in a relationship, you gave things a go when you were single and then you put a stop to it when you got back together with your DP, so you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or bad about. He, on the other hand, is being a complete dick and unless he wises up and apologises profusely for his behaviour I don't think his friendship is worth much. If nothing else he could damage things between you and your DP which would be a terrible shame. Cut him out.

I think WriterofD is right.

(Bit of fun never fails to make me laugh with her direct responses)

He wants what he can't have and what he didn't want when he could have had it. I think he's playing games. If he was serious he would have split up with his current girlfriend instead of stringing her along whilst he is supposedly in love with you.

He's someone who gets off on the chase (there is probably a buzzword to describe guys like that) - I would stop the friendship until you and DP are back on firm ground.

I also think WriterofDreams is completely right - this guy just doesn't like thinking that you're not fantasising about him any more, and he's reacting by treating you badly. I think you're definitely right to just leave him not talking to you, and move on with making a good relationship and a happy family with your DP.

Thanks everyone so much for all your advice. I completely agree with all of you and I'm going to just leave him to it and concentrate on my family.

I really didn't think he was like this after knowing each other for quite a long time this is the first time I have seen him act like this. I hope these aren't his true colours and that he's just going through a rough patch I suppose thats for him to decide. I definitely think space is the best thing and if that doesn't work out then cut him out completely.