Sex life and relationship problems

[Abjecto]

Our sex life is pretty non-existent and it is creating a big problem in our marriage. I am just not up for it and he is. He thinks I have an abnormally low sex drive. I do have a low sex drive, always have, but it has pretty much vanished since having children.

DH is scared that our relationship is coming to an end because of it and when I asked him if he thought about having an affair he replied ?not seriously?.

We do talk about our sex life, often at length, but I feel he doesn?t ever really listen to what I have to say, in fact dismisses what I say, and as a result the issues don?t ever get resolved. I often feel unappreciated, unlistened too and uncared for and as a result feel resentful and angry towards him and therefore don?t want to be intimate with him. (Strangely I don?t feel unloved though, I know he loves me, but I feel that he doesn?t understand that showing appreciation, listening and caring is part of love.)

It feels like I am solely responsible for all things in our lives (that aren?t to do with his work). It is hugely mentally tiring. He would live in total squalor if it was down to him. The fabric of our house would slowly crumble, insurances wouldn?t get paid, the car wouldn?t get serviced, birthdays would be forgotten, house would be filthy and a total mess, the garden would disappear in weeds? Until recently I have been a SAHM so I understand that that is how it had to be, but over a year ago I took on a demanding job with zero time off (i.e. get up, kids to school, work, kids home from school, work, kids to bed, work, me to bed. Work all weekend. I work from home). But yet he continued to assume that everything domestic was still my responsibility ? and so our house and the organisation of our lives disintegrated. His default position is to do nothing until asked (and then get pissed off that he has been asked to do it).

He grew up in a house where his mother did everything and made no demands on him whatsoever. He is an intelligent, educated man that intellectually subscribes to equality of the sexes but I don?t feel this is played out in reality ? he would deny this. I grew up in a feminist household and so struggle with this.

It seems he just bumbles along oblivious to what?s going on around him and as long as I don?t make any demands on him and have regular sex with him then he is perfectly happy. Well I am not and I have repeatedly made this clear to him. But yet every time the no sex thing comes up it?s like we have never talked about it before and he hasn?t listened to anything I have said previously. He wants to have sex once a week ? which I don?t think is unreasonable ? but I just don?t want to. I have tried to do it anyway but end up feeling more resentful of him. He recently said that I need to pretend to enjoy it more, which certainly hasn?t helped.

He feels that if we have sex more (even if I don?t want to) this will lead to more intimacy and will fix our relationship whilst I feel that we need to fix our relationship first. He doesn?t agree.

So I find myself in a situation where he is basically telling me that the no-sex thing is a deal breaker but feel he is not listening to any of the issues I have with our relationship. It?s like he is not taking responsibility for our relationship (in the same way that he doesn?t take responsibility for domestic stuff) and it?s all down to me to sort out (well put out actually).

Any help would be gratefully received. Sorry, long.

I totally agree with you. You seems to have it very clear in your head. If a relationship is going well, with your needs for emotional support and a sharing of duties, then yes, having more sex makes you want more sex. But doing it despite feeling resentful is NOT a good idea.

If it's a deal breaker for him then he needs to do what it takes to sort it. I think that means marital therapy. Basically threatening an affair is not fair.

seem, not seems (I sound like a hobbit)

For women sex starts a long time outside of the bedroom, things have to be right in the rest of the home for us to be able to function down below as it were, if we are not appreciated and do not feel loved outside the bedroom we cannot perform within it.

However, your post reads as if you are withholding sex because he has not changed. When you returned to work you should have sat down and discussed the division of household responsibilities now that you were no longer at home, and now that you had less time.

Sit with him. tell him if you felt loved and appreciated outside the bedroom you would be able to feel sexy within it.

You must be shattered and exhausted and just managing on fumes half the time with so much to manage, sex would be the last thing on your mind.

How about some kind of reate.

reate = relate

Fabby, I actually sat him down before I took the job to talk about division of domestic responsibilities as I had concerns about who was going to do what. And I have repeatedly told him that if I feel appreciated outside of the bedroom I might feel more sexy within in. He nods and agrees and seems like he understands at the time of the conversation, and then nothing changes.... It has started to feel like he just agrees with me to shut me up at the time in the hope that he can just go back to his easy life and it won't be mentioned again.

I read (on mumsnet) that there is nothing more unattractive than a man who doesn't pull his weight. Could your not wanting sex have anything to do with the way you feel about his inability to do his fair share?

I would suggest Relate to him, I'd tell him that if no sex is a deal breaker then pull his fucking socks up and pull his weight so you feel more appreciated and feel in the mood to have sex.

Until he changes nothing will change.

You know what OP, picking up on what you and Dueling said, I have been a SAHM for 10 years and I still could not tolerate someone who does nothing at home. That's not actually IMO, "how it has had to be", and then you working just showed up how much you were already doing, and nothing changed.

Sounds to me like due to his total lack of contribution and care, amd the unbearable amount of pressure you are under, you don't fancy him and don't find him exciting. Why would you?

If he agrees with equality, but just finds it hard to put into practise, how about sitting down together and drawing up a rota/allocating each a fair share of jobs.

ps make sure his jobs affect him more than you if he doesnt do them.

Abjecto I feel for you as I was married to your DHs twin for 24 years before I finally left in despair last year.

You are being taken advantage of. Read Wifework by Susan Maushart to get the lowdown on what has happened to you. Your anger and resentment are very real and understandable but part of the horror of the situation is what SM calls "pseudomutuality". (A state of affairs in which both parties profess egalitarian ideals and pretend they are sharing equally while still conducting their married lives according to more or less rigid gender-typed roles).

What can you do? Agree which jobs are yours and which are his and then stick to it. Don't help him out. Put up with unemptied bins or untaxed cars or his mother being upset he forgot her birthday. Otherwise you will carry on being responsible for everything and you will come to hate him for what he is doing and you will never want sex with him again.

This is deadly serious and very possibly fatal and you may be better off without him rather than carrying him as another burden in your life holding back your career and draining you of energy and fun.

If he wants to share his life with you then he must make you feel it is worth having him around, you gain something from him being there, not just more chores to do.

Grrr. I am angry on your behalf. Although he is just fulfilling the male role he has been taught is how husbands and fathers behave.

It is no surprise at all that you don;t want this man to have sex on you. He is demonstrating that in every other aspect of his life he considers you his servant, something that exists only for his benefit. Men like this turn sex into yet another chore they expect their wives to perform.
He's probably not much good at it, either, men who are lazy, selfish and entitled (ie they think women simply don't matter as much as men do) around the house display the same behaviour in bed.
That you have told him repeatedly that you feel unloved, exploited and unhappy and his answer is 'Suck my dick and I'll think about doing some of the housework' suggests that this really isn't fixable. He doesn;t think women are human beings. He regards you as a cross between a domestic appliance and a domestic animal.

I would suggest you do try relate - your DH might need to hear that the same message but from someone neutral. I would make this a priority, resentment is a killer of passion and ultimately your marraige

I wish women would challenge a script I often see on here, about them having a "low sex drive" because so often it turns out that it's not that at all - it's that they (understandably) don't want to have sex with a man who behaves like a child who needs everything doing for him. I'm always curious about whether more women would find that they actually had a very high libido, if the man they were having sex with pulled his weight, in and out of bed.

The trouble with your situation OP, is that the rot has well and truly set in here, so that it has become a dance between you. Something really radical needs to happen to change that dance and alter the script. But I'd challenge your script too, about your sexual needs. I wouldn't mind betting your sex drive is just fine, but what you've signed up to unfortunately is a life full of paid and unpaid work and the thought that sex is just another chore you've got no desire to perform. That's such a waste of your sexuality.

Sometimes parting provides the jolt that's needed - and getting back together means a new relationship with new scripts and conditions attached. Couples counselling might change the script just short of breaking up, but men like this, who fundamentally believe that domestic work is women's work - and have also been socialised that men need sex to feel loved, almost need brain-washing over several months to change so many years of social conditioning.

In the absence of a handy brainwashing chamber, sometimes only a long programme of expensive counselling or a short sharp shock really works. After all this time and this many long conversations, I just don't think you two can effect change on your own. It doesn't sound as though he takes your complaints seriously and hence you cannot manufacture sexual desire.

Only something radical and different will bring about change in this situation.