Emotional Wreck & Not Handling it well - ExP moving his stuff out

[BlueTopazDP]

Hi All

Isnt it odd that no matter how "OK" you think you are about something, when D-Day comes, its an entirely different matter?

Have been with ExP for 5 years - on and off. Very tumultuous relationship, due to two strong hard-assed people, plus he is verbally abusive and I wouldnt stand for it.

18 months ago, he took up contract work outside the country, and this was during one of our "off" stages. He is away for 2 months at a time, and home for 2 weeks at a time.
I have 1 DD and she is with me 24/7. He has 2 kids who do not live with him.

6 months into his contract he was home for his R&R and we chatted and decided to try again. He moved back in (had previously just been storing his things while he was away, and he would stay with friends when home).

Things went very well initially, until December, where a few instances of being rude, and verbally abusing me (in front of friends once). The last straw was an 8-hour disappearance on New years eve, which led me to cancel our plans with mutual friends, and I ended up at a friend of mine. He did not try to contact me or make up at all in this time.
Because of this, and the other incidents, on 1 Jan, I told him I wanted him to move out as soon as he was able to.
I just felt that I had bent over backwards to make his R&R enjoyable, I did and went everywhere he went, and then he did that to me because of a trivial argument about our plans for the evening.

Well, yesterday and today was when he started moving his things out of my garage. I am taking it really badly, crying all the time, re-hashing the past, and questioning how it all went wrong, when i know perfectly well how it went wrong.
We were just not well suited (although there was plenty of love and passion) and there was just too much water under the bridge after years of on-off and blame and games.

Is it just shock that its finally happening? When he has been gone for his 2-month stints I am OK, I go about my life, I spend time with friends, and I cant say I miss him as I am so used to not having him around anymore.

I have to just resist the urge to call him and ask stupid, pointless questions (which I did about an hour ago, leaving me feeling even worse).

I have been thru a divorce that didnt leave me feeling as raw and broken as this is.

Some insights from those that have recently, or are going thru this, would be great!

Sorry to hear things are hard for you but deep down you know its for the best. It's hard because now comes the realisation that it is the end of the relationship.

Try to think of all the bad times, not how good it is when it is good.

Remember how he makes you feel when things are going bad.

When he works away you know where he is so it is easier for you to go about your day, now when he is not there you have no right to know where he is he and won't know what he is doing.

Thanks hariboegg

It doesnt help that he sends me 4am and 5am texts (which he has not done AT ALL while out of the country) to say how sad he is etc. But when he was here earlier, he could hardly greet me.

Then he backs this up by telling me that I need to analyse how I contributed to the demise of the relationship. :(

He also brought his 14-year old daughter along for the move - which I thought a strange thing to expose your child to, and had me feeling bad that she had to see her Dad pack up his possesions. I have done everything to keep the whole thing as far away from my DD as possible!

But you are right, one day at a time ...

Didn't read other posts so I apologise if i'm repeating anything.

My opinion is that when he would go away for 2 months, the reason you were fine is because you always knew he was coming back, and even if you weren't together there was still a chance for the both of you. I think possibly you felt as though you still had someone, and now that it's a big, final seperation it's a shock to you. I have reacted in the same way in the past, even though I knew there wasn't really a chance left to make things right, it was purely for the fact that I was going to be alone and that scared me. So I did what you're doing, looking in to the past, the good times, what attracted us to eachother in the first place and why it couldn't still be like that. I would kick myself for feeling that way, questioning why I still wanted to be with them when clearly it was going nowhere. I think the best thing you can do is weigh up the pros and cons, remind yourself of how he treated you and why you ended it and remember that you deserve better than that.

If all else fails, remember this quote -

'The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else'

Despite the crude wording essentially it means that maybe what you need is the security of knowing you have someone when he's gone, whoever that may be.

The tears are not for him. They are for what he MIGHT have been.
I had a sore throat for a solid fortnight before X original flight was due to take off.

Due to the unrest/revolution, he had to delay his flight, the sore throat just vanished. The pain was the pain you get in your throat when you are trying not to cry. It was excruciating.

The extra couple of weeks was awful, the day he was going was foul, but the final hour was just the worst hell I've ever had, all the manipulation in the book thrown at me.

Let him go, sounds like he has to. Let it all go and remind yourself why this is not working out, he sounds not very nice at all. In time you will see that, in time you will understand that you are much better off without him.

Life alone is better than life with someone you are miserable with. Trust me. It is.

I second that from HerHissyness. It's vile and painful and you just have to be strong and get through it. But you will feel sooo much better when it's done. Stay strong.

Hope you're doing ok, Hissy

one foot in front of the other Baby, thanks for asking!

gradually breaking free of the bindings, working my bits off and making some money, feels good, less precarious.

I'm glad. Less precarious is what you need

Hi all,

Thanks for all your posts and encouragement.

HerHissyness - "bindings" is such an apt description for how it felt & feels.

Had a fairly peaceful weekend, slightly marred by the odd text message from him revisiting the past. Pointless!
On Saturday he asked me to Mothers Day breakfast on Sunday, which I declined, as I feel no good could come of it, as with him there is always an ulterior motive. Have been thru this with him multiple times.
When I decline any sort of interaction, he gets nasty, which actually makes it easier to keep on declining.

I noticed he is really dragging his heels as far as getting his belongings packed up goes. Which explains the need on his part to try and rekindle something - it would be SO much easier if I would just "co-operate" and let him back in.

I have decided that if the move has not made any progress by the time I get home this evening, I will be issuing some sort of ultimatum w.r.t. timing, as he uses his stuff as an excuse to maintain contact and be at my house.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

I had a text today myself, wanting to know if the money he sent me had arrived (it did, arrived today) and if his son asked about him (he doesn't, not really) and what I told him.

I called him back, updated him, thanked him, DS spoke to him I felt NOTHING. He's still talking about when I come back... but he can talk all he likes,I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

BlueTopaz, your understanding of him dragging his feet is bang on, he IS. He is hoping you will cave, and seeing how far you will take this. He will be so shocked when you do go through with it. Mine was when I clearly just couldn't stand another second of his weirdness at the airport and just turned on the heels and left him a the side of the terminal with all his luggage.

Stay strong girly, you know you have to do this. It'll be better on the other side of all this, take it from me.

HH and all others who want to comment, what would you respond to a message like this (from ex):

"I hope that day that u are lying on your back with yr legs wide open, and mr x is fucking his lungs out, that u will remember me for one second".

I received this late last night.

To me it meant that his biggest issue out of everything that he and I have lost by breaking up, is the lost of sex with me. Not my support, my love, the loss of a partner, or a home to come to. None of it. He is irritated that someone else may one day have sex with me.

I cannot help feel that it is demeaning and meant to be hurtful.
I see it as an inability on his part to deal with his anger, and he has to lash out and hurt me in order to cope.

He follows this up today with "If you cannot see how much I love you, you are fucking stupid."

Just feeling very worn down and "beaten" today.

You don't reply. You didn't get that message, RIGHT?

In your head, however your replies can be as follows:

"Be the only time you'd be on my mind, I'd be thinking My God you really WERE shit in bed"

Or,

"ooh, so THAT'S what a proper Fuck is..."

or

"The one second I assume is the length of time you used to last...., or the amount of real pleasure you gave me"

Bottom line is, if that's all he thinks he has to offer, then tbh that is your decision made. Is that really the best he can do? Pitiful!

I admit to being cockstruck with X, but now I'd rather go without for the rest of my life than put up with a minute in the company of a controlling, insecure, abusive twat. It was the only thing he was good at, but what he didn't realise is that the way to good sex is to treat your DW well and make her feel good about herself, not belittle, harass and upset at any ridiculous opportunity.

change your number, this is the last straw.

Unfortunately the sex was good, but I agree, even though initially I too was cockstruck (love that term ), in the long run it was no longer enough to make up for all the loads of crap!

I am going to work really hard at getting to where you are.

His stuff is all gone now, therefore no reason to have contact AT ALL.

He is already blocked on my phone, so he cant call me. Now I just need to remove him off BlackBerry Messenger and that's that.

Your X sounds like mine, when you really realise that they have crossed a line, the very thought of them makes you cringe, this is what really bugged him, that I wanted him to keep well away from me and not touch me.

Telling my dearest friends H that I had been locked up in a mental hospital will do that.

Another snipe for your arsenal: Tell him you were faking it. That he's not the only lying cunt that walked the earth.

Strong, but again, you don't ACTUALLY say it to him, it's the knowledge that you could destroy him in a sentence if you wished....