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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need some quick advice for a friend who is leaving her alcoholic husband please

32 replies

princesspeahead · 07/11/2005 20:41

She has just called. She is the 2nd wife of a very old friend of my DH, who has been an alcoholic for 20 years or more. She has 2 young children with him. She has finally had enough. He is verbally abusive but she says not physically (although she has also said that he has "pushed her around" a bit which sounds physically abusive to me). He never sees the children because he either works or is in the pub, returning v late.
They live in a jointly owned flat above the premises that his business is in (post office and shop). She has a separate career and is working part time. Her parents are nearby and will give her emotional and limited financial support.
She is worried that when she tells him it is over he will bust up the flat.
She has discussed splitting up with him - he told her that he would keep the flat and the children. For some unknown reason she believed him!

So my questions - obviously there is no question that the children will stay with her. But she just wants him out of the flat. How can she do this? I know that legally she can't just change the locks, but if she does, what comeback does he have on a practical level? Or should we be persuading him to take a week off work, go stay with his sister (in another town) so that she and he can think about things, so getting her some breathing time to sort herself out? If she is scared of him, as it seems she is, could she get an injunction against him? Would she have to show a history of abuse to do so?

Any advice very welcome - we've promised to call her back with our thoughts.

Horrible situation.

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princesspeahead · 08/11/2005 21:34

it isn't me, it is DH really who is the star. it is difficult for him, because he was great friends with him as a child, and he has been watching this painful destruction through his first marriage, and apart from about the first year of the second marriage when things were vaguely under control, it has been downhill throughout that as well.

but in a funny sort of way it is LESS upsetting than it could be just because of its sheer predictability. his wife is very matter of fact about it all (apart from obviously being frightened) - she is very clear that even if he did miraculously sort out his alcohol problem she doesn't love him anymore and that is completely understandable from where we are sitting (although sad). I've been asking dh for years what she is getting out of the relationship - she is the main breadwinner, she provided the capital for the house, she is the sole childcarer out of the two of them, she has no companionship from him as he is ALWAYS in the pub, he clearly has treated her with no respect, kindness or basic courtesy for years. And underneath it he IS an intelligent (fiercely), interesting and kind man, but TBH none of us have seen that side of him for a long time.

Sorry this is so long. It is just so predictable and unstoppable and inevitable. Alcoholism is a terrible thing.

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princesspeahead · 08/11/2005 21:37

oh and soapbox you've hit the nail on the head. the only thing that is salvageable is that one day, inshallah and if he sorts himself out, he MAY have a halfway decent relationship with his children (he has next to none with his children from his 1st marriage who are 20 and 18 now. he phones my DH up to find out how they are).

ANd even more important for me is to remove him from the constant presence of his children in the hope that the cycle of alcoholism and spousal abuse started by HIS father isn't repeated in his children in the future.

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soapbox · 08/11/2005 22:02

Yes, I can see it must be hard for your DH, particularly given that your DH's family provided a refuge for him when it was his father who was having problems!

Perhaps your friend might think, when all this is over, about why she was so attracted to someone who so obviously had problems. She too must be careful not to repeat the cycle!

TBH - I think by having the bloke at yours in such difficult circumstances you do deserve some credit - not every wife would do it for a drunken friend of their husbands

princesspeahead · 08/11/2005 22:39

again - very good, soapbox!
her father was an alcoholic. although very high functioning, only admitted he had a problem and dealt with it oh about 10 yrs ago.

you are super perceptive...

I personally think she thought, in the flush of love, that she could "look after" him and "fix" him and that it was all the fault of his horrid 1st wife (who wasn't horrid but YKWIM)

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princesspeahead · 08/11/2005 22:40

he behaves well here. palazzo peahead rather awes him. and we can put him up in a separate wing

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Heathcliffscathy · 08/11/2005 22:43

peahead

she is lucky to have you both. they both are actually.

princesspeahead · 08/11/2005 22:44

ahhhhh sophable.
but it is really dh.
and now I AM going to go to bed!xx

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