so confused!!!

[dreamer78]

After over 10years of marriage I think i have fallen out of love with my H. Its always been a bumpy relationship, in fact even on our wedding day I had a few doubts about whether i wanted to go through with it. He is always out drinking while I stay in with the kids, if ever i go out he phones me up every hour wanting to know when i'll be back. Its got to the stage where i prefer it when he is out, I feel happier, more relaxed. When he is in, im expected to be his slave, whore, childminder etc. I used to argue with him all the time, begging him to spend more time with me/us but over the years and after he broke too many promises to change, I have come to accept the way he is and think of myself more as a single mum than being married. I do everything for the kids, he will do a bit now and again but not as often as most fathers. I dont doubt he loves them, he just hasnt got it in him to take them out for a kick about, or play games with them. His own dad wasnt around much and so he was bought up mainly by his mum, he seems to think this is how it should be. He also thinks its ok to verbally abuse me if i upset him, to grope me and pull me about as if im a piece of meat, he is also very childish, some days it feels as if he is just one more child i have to look after. I have lost all interest in sex, I will give in now and again to stop him sulking and slagging me off but i no longer enjoy it. When he kisses me I dont feel the love i used to , the attraction i should feel.

Recently I have been in touch woth an old bf and he has made me see that i deserve to be happy. He has made me smile, made me feel beautiful and gain some of my confidence back. Nothing has happened between us, neither of us would start an affair but we do care for each other deeply. He has made me sit up and look deeply at my relationship, do i really want to carry on the way things are and look back in ten years and see what a miserable life ive had or do i make a break now and allow myself a stab at happiness. Just to make it clear i am not planning on embarking on a relationship with my ex, if it was to happen a few months down the line then i wouldnt mind but i know i would need time to sort myself out and make sure my children were ok before i even thought about bringing another man into our lives.

H has noticed how bad things have got between us and has given me tonight to decide what i want. The thing is when he isnt around i feel strong enough to end it but then when i see him, see that depsite everything he does love me, i get worried that i would be making a big mistake. I dont want to hurt him. Despite it all i do care a lot for him, i am just not 'in love' with him. I have no one i can talk to about this, im just so confused. What if i call it a day and end up regretting it for the rest of my life? What if im just a bit depressed and it is affecting the way i see things?

"He is always out drinking while I stay in with the kids, if ever i go out he phones me up every hour wanting to know when i'll be back. Its got to the stage where i prefer it when he is out, I feel happier, more relaxed. When he is in, im expected to be his slave, whore, childminder etc."

So he's abusive, controlling and neglectful.

Yes, you should leave. Go and make a happy life for yourself.

End it

I bet my house you will not regret it, once the initial inevitable upset is over

This man has no redeeming features at all

He isn't even a good dad, that well-used fallback straw-grasping pronouncement that abused women often make when they can think of no other good quality he has

Whatever may or may not happen with this other bloke, end it with your H

Dear god, Neanderthal man is alive and living in your house.

Agree with the others, get out and get a good life for yourself and the kids, he isn't it.

i know you are right. Its just a big step to take, its quite scary. I know its cowardly but i cant help but wish he would be the one to walk out, to be the one who made the decision. Or that we could have a heated arguement and both agree its over. As it is i know he will ask me, quite calmly, what ive decided and i will feel guilty for hurting him. Despite the shit ive put up with, he has been a big part of my life for the past 10yrs and i hate the thought of him not being around, even if my feelings have changed.

He will be around though, to see his kids he will still be in your life to an extent. And you said yourself, you almost prefer it when he is not there in the house. It will be the best of both worlds.

How can you seriously hate the thought of him not being around when he treats you like a piece of meat?

In your heart of hearts, do you really think you could grow old with this man, trust him to care for and love you in your dottage? Could he change?

It is not an easy decision to make regardless. You spent 10 years with him, you have kids, you have invested yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and financially into your relationship. As easy as it may seem to us to judge your relationship, really we are in no position to give you an answer because we've not made this journey with you. However, what is evident is the language you use in describing your relationship. It is apparent how you feel an what action you really want to take. You have already decided what you would like to do but you lack the resolution to do it. You second guess yourself because despite how you may hate moments in your relationship, there is security in it as well.

Ultimately, your choice is divided into two: stay and be miserable on and off but secure or leave and possibly find a new beginning or regret it.

Perhaps a break of a few months may give you perspective. I found that I had to do that before I married my husband to really decide whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Though we do not have a perfect marriage and we do fight, I could not do without him, even at the most dire of moments.

Don't make this decision lightly, but once you've made it, don't go back and think 'what if'.

I wouldn't get together with the ex even after the event. Most exes are just that for a reason. Treat him as your wake-up call and be grateful to him for that.

I really don't see what's left in your marriage unless the shock of realising you want out gives your H a total personality transplant. Stranger things have happened, but not very often.