Me and DP very rarely see each other. Driving me mad! suggestions?

[NicknameChanged123]

Hello. Have namechanged for this as on the local section a lot.

My problem is that me and my DP of 6 years (DC1 is 5, DC2 is 2) literally NEVER see each other as we work opposite shifts. Our work schedules are like this -

Me - Monday to Friday 9am-5pm (leave at 8am and not back not back til 6pm). I then do some housework, put kids to bed etc and go to sleep.

Him - 6 Days nightshift 6pm-4am and his only day off is a Tuesday . (he sleeps during day, picks up DC from school/nursery at 3 and does some household chores then leaves as soon as I come back from work)

Sooooo.... we are basically on opposite schedules although he does see the DCs from 3-6 every day, we can only spend time as a family/together on a Tuesday between 6 and 10pm. Probably every second Tuesday he goes to the pub with friends, so it is actually every second Tuesday from 6-10.

We literally do "DC- handovers / shopping lists / inlaw news" and that's it. The rare time we do have together he ALWAYS initiates sex. It's not that I don't fancy him (I do) but it actually feels weird getting intimate with someone for stolen moments when you will barely see them for another week.

I have tried suggesting things left right and centre, even me cutting down a couple of hours (but then I feel resentful as he would be able to cut a few hours more easily than me and won't). He sleeps at his parents on the weekend days as I was getting tired of having to take kids out/ keep them quiet all day for him to sleep. I even 'invite' him down here for dinner after he has woken up. His mum takes the DC on Saturday nights to give me a break, but I wish he would take some time off or book holidays to spend with me/us (We both only have the standard 4 weeks a year, and he spends 3 weeks on fishing trips and 1 as a family, although he did take DC1 last time).

I love my job, we need it financially and I worked hard to get it so I'm not going to give it up but would cut my hours a bit and we could afford. There's no chance of him changing shifts for the next couple of years at least so it's nightshift til then and he refuses to drop hours.

It just seems to me like this is not normal - ME having to re-arrange things and plans so we can spend an hour or so together. He does not seem to bother whether we spend any time together at all and says it is 'normal when you have young kids' or 'this is just the way my shifts are' but why is it always ME who makes all the effort and sacrifice for us to spend a couple of hours together. ME who arranges babysitter, ME who asks him, ME who takes annual leave in order to do it. He doesn't seem to need to be close to me, or spend time even having a walk or watching a film etc - to him as long as we have sex once a week and do not argue, he does fair share of housework then everything is A-OK.
He does hug me quickly before work and some nights cuddles me in bed. Texts me from work most nights.

Sorry about the HUGE post, didn't want to drip feed. If you have made it this far and can advise in any way I would be grateful. Maybe I am making a big deal of it but I'm sick of being basically single with a household co-parent passing like ships in the night. I have discussed it with him many times but he just gets defensive that I'm not happy and says it's just the way things are, he can't afford to move job to a less secure one and will only work in this particular field (and his field is mainly night work)

doesn't sound like you have a good relationship at all, and I wonder if you would have a marriage if you actually did spend time together, maybe your marriage works so well because you don't.

You do need time together or whats the point?

I would suggest reducing your hours if you can it seems it would be the only way that you could spend time together.

I don't agree with him having 3 weeks fishing holidays a year, to my mind that is just nuts.

It's not a good situation and you are right to be upset. I'm not so sure why he goes fishing for 3 weeks a year? Can't that be a time to be together? Can't you plan the annual leave more carefully so that every three weeks or so you get a day off together? This can't go on, it's rubbish for both of you.

I think you really need to sit down with hime and explain that you need to work something out. I don't know why he shoudl be upset at that?

if your that bothered then cut down on work and work on your marriae.

if your not bothered then do nothin.

you cant make someone else do somethin, or chane someone elses behaviour, just your own, so worry about what you can do to sort this out not what he could/should be doin

No, it's not normal, and IMO not only do you need time together, but your DCs need to see you together so they can learn how relationships work.
If he's defensive when you try and talk about it, that suggests he's aware there's a problem and is just not ready/willing/able to do something about it.
Totally agree with Fabbychic that him spending three quarters of his leave away from the family on fishing trips is out of order and you need to find an opportunity to explain that to him.
We had similar (but by no means to same extent) issue here where DH works away most weeks, then was spending many weekends doing voluntary work which involved him being out for up to 14 hours at a time so me and ds might then see him for a couple of hours on a Sunday before he was packing his suitcase to go away again...
So we had quite a long conversation where I said I couldn't go on like this, I'd married him because I liked him and now wasn't seeing him, ds was growing up without him and he agreed to scale back his busy life a bit. I think it's vital you have a conversation asap before you stop seeing any point sharing a mortgage. (sorry)

He has the 3 weeks of his 4 weeks holidays fishing a year he says "because I work all the time it's the only time I get to myself, you get every saturday night to go out with your friends etc (when his mum watches DC" however he has taken DC1 the last few times. I agree though, it's like he just doesn't mind at all that we never see each other, it's not on his radar really and it makes me really resentful. Our relationship does have it's good points in that he does take responsibility for housework and money also (although has to be asked sometimes), the rare occasions we do spend together we get on really well, and he is loyal etc and not the type to flirt/cheat (well I 99% trust him in that way, you can never trust anyone 100%), and we have similar goals and views on life. But I agree, none of this matters if we are only spending a few hours together every second week for dinner and then sex! - my friend has a 'casual-friend-with-benefits" set up and she sees the friend more often than I see my partner!

No, it's not normal, and IMO not only do you need time together, but your DCs need to see you together so they can learn how relationships work.
If he's defensive when you try and talk about it, that suggests he's aware there's a problem and is just not ready/willing/able to do something about it
^ this describes it perfectly. All discussions he just makes excuses 'I do think it's important' etc etc but nothing changes and then I look unreasonable because 'I have to work... what else do you want? / what am i supposed to do?" Every discussion is just deflected. grrr. He has always got defensive when anyone implies there is a problem with something - I think he sees it as 'she/they think I'm not good enough' and reacts accordingly.

I quite like my own space actually, but not THIS much. Sometimes it doesn't bother me so much but I think I'm just burying it and it actually does bother me ALOT.

We all need to feel loved, and appreciated, you aren't getting that.

It's missing.

There is no spark and for people to work you have to have that.

I know . I just don't know what to do about it, other than give an ultimatum. I have told him a few times I can't go on like this but he doesn't seem to take heed of that at all. If I gave him an ultimatum of HIM making x amount of time for us per week of his own volition without being asked, then I would have to go through with it. And that's where I'm stuck at. limbo. If I actually said I was leaving, he would probably find some way to change things, but he shouldn't need forced like that - he should want to and not be ignoring my unhappiness with the situation.

How about saying exactly what you've said here: that you're not happy with the way things are, things need to change. You really don't want to leave but as things stand you can't see an alternative.
Then I have two suggestions:

• attend some couples therapy where you have the chance to each explain how you're feeling and work out the best way forward. Understand that this is not a comfortable thing to do, but it may be mandatory given that you never really see each other or have the chance to speak at home.
• ask PILs to have children on Tuesdays instead of Saturdays and turn Tuesday into a kind of date night (sorry sounds yuk but best description I can think of) where you do something nice, just the two of you together. I think the PILs may be keen to help - mine would be panicking if they watched our relationship proceed as yours is, as theirs failed and they wouldn't want the same outcome for their DC/DGCs.

I don't know if this will help, but I hope it will. I really feel for you and hope this all works out.

This just sounds like a horrible situation tbh. I don't think that your DH is being as terrible as some are suggesting (think the fishing thing is pretty OTT), just think that you are two people struggling with the demands of balancing work and family at a time where there are challenges for anyone wanting to change jobs or even change hours.

The reality is that different people need different things from a relationship, so it may well be that he thinks the current set up is OK. That doesn't make it right though. If it isn't working for you then he needs to know that and, just as importantly, he needs to accept that. Please don't issue an ultimatum though. More often than not, ultimatums are just an unecessarily aggresive way of telling someone how they feel. They are also a means by which one partner tries to control the other's behaviour through threats ("unless you do what I want, I will....").

There are positives: from what you say, he tries to do his share of the housework, he gets some time with the DCs, he gives you physical affection (not just for sex). These might not seem like huge things to you in the broader context but I think they suggest that he cares for you and his kids and that there is something to build on.

I can sympathise with his 'that's just the way things are with children'. I've said that to DW enough times (and we don't have the problems with work that you have). She explained that she wasn't satisfied with that. Had a good chat and agreed that I had basically given up on certain things changing (not because I didn't want things to change, but because it seemed impossible with a newborn and a toddler who is awake for half the night) and instead focussed on just trying to make sure I was fulfilling the more obvious responsibilties as a husband/father: bringing in money, maing sure the housework was done, looking after DW etc. Basically I was facillitating. I thought it was enough, DW didn't. She thanked me for what I did do but explained that she would rather I invest some time in her than housework, cooking etc. Any changes have been small, because our situation hasn't changed, but they have made a difference to both of us.

Either way, good luck. Sounds really tough for you all. Oh, and the point someone made above about your kids needing to see you together is a really, really good one. Massive challenges to you both to do that bearing in mind your hours, but hope you can manage it.