intimate sex problem

[novembernamechanger]

My partner and I have been together for 6 months. Very much in love, get on great in every way, but there is an issue with sex. Basically, he can't always maintain an erection. This has been a problem for him since his wife left him for another man a few years ago. He's only in his early 30's, says he fanies me like mad, not a problem with me etc but I can't help but feel insecure, ugly, not good enough etc and I fear this could ruin our relationship.

Anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of wisdom? Can this be overcome? Any advice appreciated please.

Obviously I mean he says he 'fancies' me like mad

Has he been to see the gP about it? I guess Viagra might be an option?

firstly, i am so so so so so so so sorry for this but

PMSL at fanies you like mad! Talk about your freudian slip!

Sounds like his confidence took a huge knock when his wife ran off and he is scared and feeling vulnerable. If so, it truly is nothing to do with you, but I can totally relate to you saying you feel bad, of course you would.

Can i suggest you take the pressure off. Agree a 'no sex' pact for a couple of months. If he knows there is no pressure to 'perform' he might feel more relaxed. you can do things like massage, bath together etc etc and take time together. Then its a question of building the other stuff back in.

Theres loads of stuff about how to do this, its well used relate / sexual therapy stuff for situations like this.

6 months is a very short time and it sounds like he really needs time to regain his trust in people. you can help by being patient, loving and by letting him know you love him, are there for him and are not going to let him down.

Well, I had to laugh at that slip up myself

I agree about taking the pressure off, difficult though when at the back of my mind I can't help thinking that it is a problem with me.

Can't imagine he would consider going to the docs. He's very attractive, young, fit bloke and very embarrassed about it. Thinks he's the only young man this happens too.

I still think it's worth getting checked out. It's easy to blame psychological issues for what may be at least partly a medical problem. Though how you persuade him of this is a different matter!

What sort of medical problem could cause it, considering he is usually able to get an erection initially and it isn't a problem every time?

I agree with mytwopenceworth - go down the massaging and no sex rule route. Sounds like your dp could do with some counselling to help him through his emotional issues etc. Hope everything goes O.K.

When I first met my DP he was exactly like yours, his ex wife had left him for his 50 year old ex best friend who he used to work with

IMO (tho I can't fault others for suggesting it) there's no need for counselling/doctors, just keep on telling him what a fantastic lover he is, make sure he knows that he pleases you, tell him he's gorgeous, he's wonderful, you're lucky to have him etc. etc. 6 months is not a long time at all - DP and I have been together nearly 18 months now and he's fine Think it took almost a year to get to this stage tho so you may need to be patient

Good luck

Thank you for the replies
Think I'll just try to relax about it at the mo and see what heppens.

I also had the same thing. When I met my dp he had only been properly split from his wife of 22 years for a few months. She had left for someone else and he had endured a life of hell for a year while she tried to work out what she wanted to do.

Anyway he was 46 so a little older but he couldn't really get an erection at all. I did all the right things the others are suggesting but it was driving him nuts and he was very brave and went to the Drs. I admired him so much for doing it as it can't have been easy. Anyway he got Cialis which is like Viagra and it worked a treat!! He only really took it regularly for a couple of months. Now he doesn't need it at all (after a year together) and we have sex most days at least once and it's totally amazing.

It's hard to talk about but he should really see the Dr. Cialis only works if you are turned on and fancy someone but takes the 'head' stuff out of it and it gives them their confidence back.

I tried not to feel unfancied etc but it was getting harder to cope with as it went on and on (he went to the Dr about 2 months after we met I think) and not to take personally.

Sometimes now he'll have the odd blip if there are lots of things on his mind (the ex is a bitch and the divorce is dragging out) but we know now that it'll be OK next time or if it's really bad he takes a pill.

Cialis is better than Viagra because its affects last up to 36 hours I think.

It made so much difference to us physically - try and persuade him. The Dr will understand - it's more common than you think. Men can be sensitive souls after all!

Thanks for the reply Listmaker. I'll try and broach the subject of the docs with him

This really is threatening to split us up now. He's too embarassed to go to his doctor (which isn't helped by the fact it's a woman) and now he doesn't seem to be able to accept that I do love him and want to be with him regardless of the problem and so I feel like he's pushing me away and distancing himself from me to deliberately avoid the issue, which is just making me feel rejected. Agreeing to a 'no sex' rule just seems to make him feel even more inadequate and he's even said he doesn't know what I see in him, even though he really is the best thing that's happened to me, no reassurance from me seems to help. It all feels like everything is falling appart and I can't do anything to prevent it. It would be such a waste if we did end over this. I think we're perfect for each other.

Can anyone make any suggestions please??

It is possible this is a medical issue (diabetes?), but it sounds like a psychological one. Does he get normal erections in his sleep? That's the normal way to test. (Cheap way to check, without medical intervention: put a strip of stamps around the base of the penis before sleep. If the strip breaks, he's having normal erections in his sleep: no medical problem. I've never tried this one though. Actually, it sounds completely ridiculous, but I have found a reasonable web page that mentions it, look in the "How is it diagnosed?" section.)

I think the normal solution to this one is the whole sensate focus thing, which is meant to fix a lot of sexual issues.

Here is a link about sensate focus.

Alternatively, you could have a "no intercourse" rule, but have lots of sex without intercourse, IYSWIM. This could take a lot of the pressure off, without stopping you having fun?

Thank you for that post NotQuiteCockney, that info is pretty useful.

Bump, just in case anyone else has any advice or personal experience of this.

how are things going november?