I have to work with ex-OM and don't know how to handle it

[snowcherries]

I was an absolute fool and idiot about this time last year, admittedly depressed and self-harmed by drinking and smoking excessively, cutting myself emotionally from my family and friends for fear they could see me resinking. I used to cut myself and can't anymore as I have DH and DS who would notice so did everything else I could to press my self destruct buttons.

An ex from years ago popped up, I stupidly, stupidly had a brief affair with him because I knew he'd make me feel like shit and it was the ultimate selfharm I could do to myself emotionally. It sounds like a poor excuse and it is, it was horrible and I felt horrible and guilty and used and finally woke up and realised that this was a step too far, that I was harming my family, not just myself and managed to end it.

DH has never known, I got myself onto meds for a while, just put more effort into my relationship and both it and I are in a much much better place. I had hoped to put the whole sordid thing behind me, I still can't believe I became that kind of person.

Trouble is ex and I work in the same industry and I've just found out we're about to be put on the same project. Lots of other people are involved, and it's only for a matter of 2 or 3 months but I am sick with worry. I just don't ever want to have to see him or deal with him again but this is likely to happen again in the future because of the work I do, so I need to grow a pair and deal with it. I'm just terrified he'll tell people, wither those we work with, anyone really and my whole life will come crashing down around me, which I'm sure some people will say I deserve after abusing my DH's trust and love.

I feel horrendous about the whole thing, can't believe I ever put myself and my family in that situation and it makes it even more pathetic that I did it for the reasons I did, rather than because I fell in love or fancied the man. If anyone has any advice at all I'd really welcome it because at this rate I feel like dropping out of the project completely, which would be so stupid for my career and apart from this issue I am so excited to be on this project.

I am such a fucking mess

Wow you are a mess! [hugs]

Counselling? Doctor and ADs? It sounds like you really need some!

You have several choices.

Come clean to DH and explain where you were and why, along with the counselling.

Say nothing and hope he doesn't mention it.

If he mentions it, brazen it out, with an oh are you talking about that ancient history it isn't worth thinking about......

As an extra can I ask if you had yourself checked after sleeping with this guy? You are not risking only your sexual health.

Only you can decide what to do. Good luck.

thanks for the non judgemental response, I was a bit terrified of posting but I knwo there are women here who've had affairs who might be able to help.

I can't tell DH, I just can't - he'd leave me immediately and I don't know who I'd survive, I love him and need him and I feel like such a fool for ever putting my relationship with him in danger.

I got tested immediately after the one time I slept with OM, the affair continued but due to circumstance (and because he treated me in exactly the way I predicted he would) we didn't have sex again.

DH has met OM once or twice (before the affair), doesn't know we had a past relationship, might meet him once or twice during the project but definately no more. I don't see how OM would get anything out of telling anyone (I am not the only woman he cheats regularly on his girlfriends with, his whole life is tied up in getting his end away as surreptitiously a possible) but I am worried in bragging to others in the pub or something, something will slip.

And I just don't know how to greet him on the first day - I was so looking forward to the next few months and now I'm going to have to concentrate so hard on pretending nothing has ever happened with him to people I will have to work closely with. I don't know what a normal appropriate way to behave with him is in public anymore.

I know, I do need counselling, I just somehow don't get round to it and am terrified of letting on to anyone how bad I got again last year.

i mean him bragging to others, not me, obviously!

I think you're going to have to make a decision here about whether to work on this project. I'm also assuming that you don't want to contact the OM and request that he stands down from it? I'm also assuming that you definitely don't want to be honest with your H?

If you refuse the project, yes it will be a shame for your career, but if this secret comes out later/or you decide to confess, it's going to look a hell of a lot worse to your H that you decided to work with the OM again when you had a choice not to.

You're evidently not a compartmentaliser and it sounds as though you would unravel at a rate of knots if you worked with this man again, but even if you didn't take the project, you seem to fear he will still tell your colleagues and therefore the secret will come out anyway. So you're going to be on tenterhooks for months anyway and living on your wits. That's once again bound to have an effect on your H and family, so there are consequences whatever you decide to do.

Have you thought about having some counselling about all this and maybe discussing the pros and cons of being honest with your H about what happened? It would take a very strong and trusting person to say go ahead with the project of course, but at least if your H knew about the affair, you wouldn't be looking over your shoulder the whole time. Your H sounds extremely supportive - do you think he wouldn't forgive you and try to get past this?

Cross-posted. Stand down from the project then.

I don't know wwifn, I don't know if he would forgive me. All I can see in my mind is his absolute hurt and betrayed eyes and anguish and the thought of causing him that pain kills me.

I gues the thing I thought we were past it, that I'd managed to deal with it on my own. In all honesty I don't expect OM to say anything, as I say, I know he's had affairs all his life and I know he manages it by hooking women in and then keeping it very secret becaue they're "special". His current girlfriend works in our industry too (DH doesn't) so he'd be a complete fool to tell anyone as it would release his own indiscretions. I'm just scared he would do.

I generally manage (to all outside purposes and it's not a good thing I know) compartmentalise quite well, which I suppose it how I managed to deal with suicidal depression for years without anyone knowing I was vaguely sad, dealt with it again last year and had an affair and continued my normal life and career. DH knew at the time I was a bit messed up but didn't push me to talk about it. I'm so scared of losing him I don't open up to him as much as I probably should.

The project start on Monday, I can think of no valid reason to my employers or DH (who is as excited for me about the work) for making a u-turn and dropping out. I've been working on it with my bosses for the last few months.

Literally, how do I say hello to this man on he first morning?

madamdeathstare thankyou - that's all made me feel much calmer. He generally doesn't gossip about his or anyone else's conquests.

He is attracted to me, I used to be attracted to him (whilst also knowing he turned me into a crazy person) but it makes my skin crawl to even think about him. Our boss knows we've been friends for years so I guess I just have to get myself into the headspace of treating him like a friend I have known for years but have no other emotional or physical history with.

I'm hoping he's nervous enough about the work (he has a lot riding on it) not to focus on trying to woo me again because that I just could not cope with - and that's my biggest fear, that if he tries it on and I run a mile he then has information on me to blackmail me with. Again, I don't think he is this kind of person, but my irrational thoughts are making me insanely paranoid.

you're right MDS, I'm such a pathetic pacifist usually and hate confrontation but in this case just can't afford to not be clear. I can't imagine any situation at work where we'd be required to work alone with nobody else, due to the nature of our work. Your post has made me realise how self-centred I'm being as well, which is really useful and good to know. Stop bloody focusing on myself - this is how I get into these problems in the first place!

I have been asked to head up a project which would require going out of London with just him and possibly one other person in the autumn, which I have turned down, but shows that the industry universe will find ways of us having to keep bumping into each other, so you're right, I just need to set the rules this time then in theory it never needs to be an issue again in the future.

Thankyou, you've all really calmed me down a lot

I'd not really thought about him realising I was somehow vulnerable. Who am I kidding anyway, with any luck he'll be pleased enough at his conquest of a married woman and it's been recent enough to reaffirm to him he has/had that power over that he'll move onto fresh meat on this project.

I'm such an idiot though. It never should have happened, then I wouldn't be in this mess now

Excellent advice from MDS.

The past is past. This man cannot harm you. If he spreads stories, deny. He would be extremely stupid to do that anyway.

I am glad you have crawled out of that terrible pit you were in when you had the fling. I have been there too, but I was not as bright as you in realising the whole sorry phase in my life was all about me hating myself.

Hold your head high. Good luck x

Thankyou everyone for the advice. Today was the first day and I had no reason to be worried - he looked so nervous and worried about just doing the project, we hugged a totally appropriate way for old friends (its that kind of industry, you hug after you've worked on a project with someone, even just for a day!), we had civilised conversations in company, never had an opportunity to be alone and I didn't get any kind of weird vibes or feelings off him. Took a while to adjust to the crawling sensations in my skin but now the first worst day is over, hopefully it'll be easy enough from now on.

Feeling much much calmer! I still feel like a stupid idiot but I can at least learn from my mistakes - he won't get within a barge pole's reach of me again