shall I go and see our old counsellor?

[exhausted2011]

Where to start?
Still haven't left abusive, vile, selfish bastard lying husband.
And I need help, I need someone to talk to.
I feel like I am going round in circles or going out of my mind.
Friends and family know that things aren't good, but think we are trying to work things out.
He is really getting me down.

I am going to my parents next week for some sanity.

We tried a relationship counsellor, who was good as she made him realise how unreasonable he was, but we stopped mainly for financial reasons.(finances fine now)
She was a bit wishwashy, I thought, but I do think she saw right through him, so feel like I don't have to explain what he's like

He now has his own therapist, supposedly for anger, stress (but he is feeding him a load of bollocks probably)

Do I find someone completely new and start from scratch.
Is there a particular type of counsellor I should see?

Why don't your friends and family know the truth? Do you have one of "those" families?

what's one of "those" families?
my family are lovely.
they know i have left before, and asked him to leave since, but they just leave it up to me to talk about it, and we always blame his stress/job etc.
they think we are trying to work through it.

It sounds like going to see your old counsellor might be a good idea, if you need some help straightening your head out.

FWIW if your husband is abusive then having therapy is a bad idea (for you, anyway) - it'll just give him more excuses for the way he treats you.

Is there someone in your family that you could single out to talk to? Explain exactly what's been happening and that you need help leaving (if that's what you want to do). Perhaps they don't bring it up as they just don't know what to say, and you could maybe try and explain that it's not just his job/stress, that it's just the kind of person he is.

I've seen some of your other threads and I do really feel for you, it sounds like you've been stuck in a crappy situation for a long time now. Do get all the support you can here, there are some wise women around!

i think steamed means that "if your husband is abusive then having joint therapy is a bad idea "

therapy for you alone is good, go talk to soneone objective / not involved
JOINT should not be considered

Yep, sorry, I didn't mean that therapy for you on your own would be a bad idea. I meant that him having therapy on his own wasn't going to help you and your situation.

What I was trying to say is that therapy doesn't generally help abusive men stop being abusive, unless it's a programme specially for abusive men. For most abusive men, normal one-on-one therapy will just increase their sense of entitlement and give them a whole new raft of reasons to explain their actions. I think that counselling just for yourself would probably be really helpful.

Spot on steamed.
His sense of entitlement has soared. All I hear is how hard done by he is.

Oh dear. Guess who's just about to see a therapist with OH?
Sense of entitlement - I like that term. I shall watch out for it.

If your kids are pre-secondary age, don't panic, just go. Pick up and leave. Everyone can start again. Post secondary it will be harder as kids will feel more loss, but do what you need to do.

barbie, has your husband actually been abusive to you? Most reputable therapists (including Relate) won't take couples where there's been abuse, as they know that therapy won't help and can actually make things worse.

If he's just a bit of a prick, though, there may yet be hope

Hi exhausted.

I went back to our couple's therapist 2 weeks after my STBXH left. I had 4 sessions to connect what had happened in the couple's therapy with what transpired in the 10 months following and up to the day I made him go (he had lied through therapy).

It was enormously helpful for me that she was able to tell me what she had seen happen in our couple relationship, her impression of how I had grown stronger and the unravelling of him that happened in response. So I am biased in favour of going back, even though, like you, I had felt she did not adequately challenge him about his first affair. She was anything but wishy-washy second time around and 4 sessions (at a negotiated cost) was all it took.

So my advice FWIW would be to try. What have you got to lose?
Good luck.

wisedupwoman, that sounds really positive. I need some kind of affirmation of who i am, I feel like such a nobody at the moment
steamedtreaclesponge and cestlavielife, yes I think therapy for him is really bad for me.I said I would talk to his therapist, but he made excuses and then said that the therapist said definitely not, which backs up my idea that he is feeding him bullshit.
Barbie, i hope your therapy helps

Sorry, I didn't explain, I meant a family that was itself abusive or dysfunctional and would be more likely to take your H's side than yours (see the Stately Homes thread for many examples!). Or just plain head-in-the-sand. What I mean is, if they are decent, kindly types who genuinely want the best for you, I can't see what you gain from not telling them the truth, ie that you are being abused and it's more "not having the strength to leave" than "sorting things out". You know better, now, than to blame stress/job for his behaviour. Perhaps it's time that they were put in the picture too.

My family are very loyal, and until I start slagging him off, they are all holding their tongues. I can't begin to tell you some of the heartache he has brought them. My family are close, kind,gentle, lovely, salt of the earth type of people. We never had rows, or any family fallings out.
He has been the cause of 2 of the biggest dramas ever with my family. He didn't speak to my brother for a year. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for the hurt he caused him, my brother in no way deserved it.
But they have forgiven him, because they believed in me. They believed that there must be something worth saving in our relationship.

They will be right behind me, they will do anything for me, but they will still also feel some sympathy for him , because they are good people and because they opened their family up for him, and treated him like one of their own.
Bastard.
they don't deserve this.
god I wish I could start over.

exhausted, it's never too late to start over. You can do this. It sounds like you've been stuck in this situation for so long that it feels like there's no way out, but I promise you there is. You do have the strength to start over without your twatbag of a husband dragging you down.

Perhaps you should just stop holding your tongue and just have a good old slagging match with your family - I bet they've been dying to do it for ages! Might make you feel better Your family sound really great and I bet if you really opened up to them you'd feel a lot better.

Do you think you'll go and see your counsellor again? It sounds like it would be really helpful for you.

I know I can start over. I just need to find the balls to do it. i need to find the strength to do it.
But I wish to God I could go back in time. I honestly wish I had never set eyes on him. But I couldn't go back that far, maybe just after I conceived DS. That sounds awful. he has ruined my life, but also given me the best thing in my life, my beautiful boy.

exhausted you are starting over. every day you live your life without him messing with your head you start over. it's not easy right now, but believe me it can be done, it must be done if you want to be free of him.

try going back to the counsellor. you don't have to face this alone. she/he might also help you talk openly with your folks too. they may not know how best to help you. i found out that my parents were holding back in case i changed my mind (fat chance) and they'd have to eat their words.
Hugs to you. you'll be fine, better than fine.

Thank you. It helps just talking