Is this normal or is he a drama queen?

[nomedoit]

Long time since I've posted but DH has driven me to it. I really need some perspective. My DH is a builder, own business, gets gloomy when he doesn't have much work and turns into a complete drama queen when he does. So this week he is working with two guys at a farm, doing barn repairs and fencing. No pressure, nice lady to work for.
When he comes home tonight you would think that he was in charge of the Olympic stadium. Announces he has a splitting headache - I get him painkillers after which he retreats to the sofa for a nap, too exhausted apparently to shower. I do dinner and deal with DD, get him up. We eat in total silence, at least I talk, he says nothing.Finally he mutters about some problem with the roof tiles. I've cooked a great dinner but no comment about that. Then he starts more sighing, staring into space, tragic silences. I clear up, run bath, do his washing etc etc while he stares comatose at the TV. He agrees to sit with DD while she is in the bath, doesn't once speak to her.
It is like this all the time. He takes no interest whatsoever in my work or the things I have done for him today (I do all his paperwork, advertising and I am building him a website - spent a lot of time today sorting photos for that, he shows no interest whatsoever).
I feel as though I am doing too much for him, that if I was more of a bitch or at least less nice I would be treated better. Does that make sense?
Anyway, tonight I snapped at him and told him that I was tired of the drama and now he is off sulking somewhere. Good, I feel sick of dealing with him.
Advice?

give him a taste of his own medicine. refuse to cook dinner, lay on the couch cos you have had a hard day, don't wash, stare blankly into space when he tries to talk to you etc.

Sadly this is not massively different frm my relationship with Ex-P.
It was very draining + totally dragged me down. I didn't even appreciate how much until we split. Ultimely I cud cope cos - stupidly at the time - I loved him regardless + so made excuses (he's tired, hates his job, depressed, etc) but I massively resented + worried about him being like this around r impressionable daughter, just a toddler. Wenever Id try to raise the topic I got shouted at. Then it'd make him worse anyway. U can't help someone like this in my experience, if uve tried a few times + got nowhere, ur man may be the same.
I've since come to conclusion my ex has NPD, but that's another (long) story.
I hope I'm wrong so it is worth trying to talk to him about wot life is like with him. IF he still loves u he may listen. If not tho, sadly I'd fear ur choices r either accepting this life or a new life without him, which obv shud not be taken lightly. I'd suggest looking at the options frm ur childs point of view, wot is the best avenue for her future? Ppl rarely change + ur husband may be unable or unwilling. Maybe time apart wud help ur husband to appreciate u again + regain some perspective on his llife?
Good luck with ur situation.

Perhaps he is just knackered! Naughty not to appreciate all that you have done, but he might just be physically and mentally exhausted and need some time to turn human again.
Please keep supporting him in the loving way that you are, nice dinners, helping with website, etc. Even if he is not appreciating it at the moment, it is all kind and generous and helping to build your future together.
It is easy to resent the things we do for other people when they don't appreciate them, but it helps to look on youself as a generous person, which you seem to be from your op.
I find it helps to 'act as if...' in other words, 'act as if he is really appreciating me and I love him to bits and really want to help him'. It sounds odd, but the more you can do this the better you feel about him and yourself.

I really don't think being more of a bitch would make the situation better, and I suspect you are too kind to do that anyway. Are bitches happier?

Wow Norks, you're some kind of saint! How far do you take that attitude to life in a relationship, and how long for?

I'd be talking to him and telling him it was unacceptable behaviour, and if there was no change making him go to the doctor to talk about depression.

I suspect Nork's approach may make him worse.

I can be exhausted when I get home from work but I wouldn't treat others like shit and I wouldn't opt out of family life.

His behaviour is unacceptable. Not accepting it is not being a 'bitch'. I agree with Cattitude.

I find that "bitches" preserve more of their self-respect, tbh

Doormats continue to get shat upon by "naughty" men < ahem >

(that was in response to NAM)

he's a drama queen!

But, how will you get to the situation where you can have a conversation about this if you are being a 'bitch'? How will that prevent the situation from escalating?
If the OP's DH won't communicate with her, will he communicate BETTER if he is yelled at / treated badly? Will he BEHAVE better if that happens?
The OP has tried 'snapping' at him (and I don't blame her TBH, he would try anybody's patience) and he has gone off in a sulk, communication is shut down, and she has no way of reaching him to talk to him.
I think she is right to recognise that he is being a plonker, but if she wants change, I suspect being a 'bitch' isn't the way to get there.
What is the line between kindness and dorrmat? Is it wrong to be kind? Is it only right to be kind if people are kind to you first?
OOOh, I feel like I need a little philosophical lie down after all that

I'm just wondering which bit of the OP doesn't sound kind enough for you. What she's saying is, being kind doesn't seem to make him any happier or nicer so she wonders if being mean will be any more effective! Actually, it might. It is not wrong to be kind, being nice to someone should be the default setting whether you get it back or not, etc etc, but when you're in a life partnership where one partner is doing all the nice (and a good bit more than half the work by the sound of it) while the other is being as grumpy as they please, something isn't working right.

I think you should stand up for yourself OP, tell him it's unacceptable for him to not make the effort to speak and take everything you do for granted. Pull him up on his poor behaviour at the time: it would cost him nothing to say thank you for dinner and so forth. Don't put up with it and then have a row when it's built up to blowing-up point.

I don't think letting people walk over you makes them happy (or grateful to you), it just gives them a sense of entitlement over you and leads to contemptuous treatment.

nomedoit I read your post out to DH and then removed the emotion you ascribed to your husband and came up with this:

• DH had a bad headache
• DH was exhausted
• DH was withdrawn and distracted by problems at work
• DH is disinterested in anything around him

There could be a number of things causing this - physical or mental. If he continues to be like this I would be suggesting a visit to the doctor.

Could it be depression? Maybe send him off to GP - not that this is that helpful, frankly.
At some point when he is in a more receptive mood, sit down and talk to him about it. Tell him how destructive it is for your DD to be living in that kind of atmosphere.
If you don't think it's depression, and just drama queenery, maybe set down a rule that if he is in that frame of mind when he comes home, he goes straight to bed and doesn't infect everyone else with his mood.
i sympathise, i cannot deal with other people's (adults') moodiness, luckily DH is not a moody person. Depression, of course, is different, but a long long journey for all the family.

The OP IS being kind, and you are right, something is definitely not working right, but will being 'bitchy' take the process forward or backwards?
I have assumed that she really loves him, and that this is a temporary state, that he is not ALWAYS grumpy and ungrateful, and that he needs some love because he has a headache and is knackered.
But then again, OP does say that he 'is like this all the time', which doesn't sound like a just one bad day at work.
What would be the underlying problem that makes him behave like this? Is communication still good on a NORMAL day? If he is like this all day every day there is something wrong somewhere.
By all means the OP should challenge the situation, especially if she is feeling resentful, but from a position of 'I love you, how can I help you to feel better?' as anybody would hope a DP would do to them if the situation was reversed.

nomedoit how are things today?

It's really all about him, isn't it? What about you and his child?

Life can be very hard. But to be an adult means you have to cope, not turn into a complete wanker to your family.

I don't believe in mollycoddling or infanticising adults who treat me like shit in the name of 'support' because I'd never do that and expect that from someone else (and I've had severe AND and PND three times).

I'm not recommending bitchiness, I'm advocating assertiveness.

sometimes if i am really worried about something, i will be quiet and not really talk, because i am going over and over stuff in my head

its nothing detrimental to my partner, just how i deal with things

I don't think its about being 'mean' to him to try to alter his behaviour, its more wot I wud call tough love. Sometimes ppl need a shock to wake them up to themselves. He genuinely may not realise how difficult + damaging he's become to live with. If he actually doesn't give a toss or blames u for everything (or blames ur child) it may b a case of lumping his behaviour or more drastic action, but hopefully if he loves u things can be resolved. With love on both sides u can sort anything out.
JUst remember the focus isn't all about him, u + ur child deserve him to make the effort as much as he deserves the chance to put things right. We all have tough times, u need to b sure this is a transient phase + get him working on moving back to happy family life, which will make all the other things in his life seem less depressing for him anyway I think.
Don't give up until u kno there's no hope (unless situation gets too bad for child), once the family unit is broken things will never be the same + if that happens u wud want to b sure ud done everything u cud to avoid it for the sake of ur precious little one. It's no easy road.
By the way, in my experience making someone go to doctor about their problems, if they're not doing it for themselves, will achieve nothing if their heart is not in it. THey have to want to make things better for themselves, not organised into it. That's been my experience anyway.

Have been in the Norks camp and also the Bitch camp, tbh, I'd possibly let him have one day like that, but the next day I'd have to say, OK Enough, you came home yesterday with a cob on, vile and non-communicative, I let it go, but that was your quota of miserable bugger gone all in one go.

How many times have we women had a tough day where all WE want to do is tune out, but we can't, we smile, we cook, clean, do the DC etc when all we want to do is lie down on the sofa, huff and puff, sigh or stare off into space

It's a roof, not the Space Shuttle! Perspective is desperately needed here.
It's not a matter of life or death, it's roof tiles ffs, no-one is going to die.

A rest, a switch off from thinking about it, a bath/shower and an idea might come to him, but being a miserable git and pissing all over everyone elses day is not fair.

Once I'd said that I'd say That's it, lecture over, we are going to return to normal now, non-sulking zone, this is Get Over Yourself Zone now, come and have your Tea, and snap out of it.

I agree with the "tough love" comment. The building trade is exhausting and unpredictable, but he shouldn't behave like this, unless he has problems dealing with stress. Being knackered is one thing, but behaving like a toddler is something else!! He's lucky to have you to sort out his admin - is he really cut out for the trade, do you think? Builders in my experience are not the best-organised of people, and perhaps he needs to be handled more assertively. Do you set aside specific times to discuss the business?

Your H reminds me of my uncle and grandfather - they were miners - they'd come home from a day at the pit, neck back their meal, sleep in a chair until opening time, and spend the rest of the night in the pub! I hope we've moved on from that a bit now, though!!

It's the fact that you say he's always like this that suggest he needs a good kick in the cock, rather than for you to turn yourself into even more of the perfect servant. What does he do for you? Ever?

OP said he 'gets gloomy' when he doesn't have work and, from the sounds of it, turns into a 3-year-old when he has it and is 'like this all the time'.

She feels she is doing too much for him. Because she is.

I always look at this this way: if I wouldn't treat my partner a particular way, then I won't accept being treated that way by them, either.

I agree with norksaremessy. Just imagine if he actually needs support and is fighting something within himself (eg depression) and you turn bitchy who will that help in the long run, not yourself and certainly not him. I would agree with how he feels sympthatise while telling him how you feel too. Knowing how you feel without shouting or being bitchy might actually help him and therefore you. We humans are complex beings aren't we
Best of luck.

Oh come on, OP has to pussy foot around to try and get him to engage with HIS family? He's a grown man, she shouldn't have to be all nice and prissy to him in case he gets worse. He should grow up, like she had to.

But doormats and "bitches" are polarised positions and actually what's needed here is just good old-fashioned assertiveness. It sounds as though this man is extremely selfish and thinks the most important person in this household is him. Enabling someone to continue with that delusion is madness. I read your post carefully OP and it doesn't sound as though this is a one-off incident or even this particular job, that's causing this level of self-absorption. You said he never takes any interest in what you do, so the nurturing is very one-sided in this relationship. It also sounds as though you are mothering him, which is a disastrous dynamic in a romantic relationship.

The more you infantilise him and soothe his fevered brow, the more he will over-dramatise a perfectly normal working day and feel it's acceptable to check out of adulthood and being a husband and father.

I would point out that marriage is a partnership and that you need nurturing too. That it's difficult to respect someone who is behaving selfishly and childishly and that once respect is eroded, all sorts of other relationship issues become problematical - sex for one.

'act as if he is really appreciating you'

snort

While you're at it, why not 'act as if he's Clive Owen?' or 'pretend he's Johnny Depp?'

OP my husband used to work 12 hour shifts as a chef, of course it is draining and he was exhausted at night but he was never sulky or rude or unappreciative. I don't think you should play games about it but do talk to him, it's not acceptable.