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The psychopathy of relationships

14 replies

Bennifer · 05/05/2011 00:32

I'm having a slightly tipsy post-pub thought, but it worries me how many of our relationships are (in reality, if not in theory) "if not for DH, it would be someone else". Doesn't this idea strike the romantic idea straight in the idea and kill it off?

Had the circumstances been different, would relationship X developed into something else and I'd married them? Is it just realistic to accept that our DH/DPs are only a matter of chance and circumstance? Does that realisation help us?

OP posts:
Bennifer · 05/05/2011 00:33

Should be straight in the heart

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 05/05/2011 00:36

Should it also be 'the psychology of relationships' or possibly 'the philosophy of relationships'?

How many drinks?

Grin
Bennifer · 05/05/2011 00:51

Not too many, what I mean by psychopathy is that it seems almost heartless to consider the idea that if it wasn't for you, it might be someone else

OP posts:
sundayrose10 · 05/05/2011 01:32

I must be on the sauce as well - I cannot understand this post.

spiderslegs · 05/05/2011 01:51

Too many drinks maybe - but it's always, right man, right time, right place = happy marriage.

Conversely, right man, wrong time, wrong place. (many years of regret).

Wrong man, right time, right place (ends in divorce).

OP has an (extremely valid) point.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/05/2011 02:23

It's the same with anything though - what if you'd turned down the job offer that led to your current job and waited for something else? What if you'd bought a different lottery scratchcard? Or indeed, the one that stays with me just a little bit, what if on a certain night I had decided to play one or two more rounds of addictive computer game work a little later before leaving the office? (Answer - I would have been an awful lot closer to a bomb that went off).

Basically WRT who you marry/live with/have DC with is no great big magical thing, it's generally the attractive, available person (from a pool of quite a lot) who is there when you reach a stage where you feel like settling down.

yama · 05/05/2011 07:17

I've thought about this before.

Dh and are are from the same town. We went to the same school. Our brothers knew each other. We knew/know lots of the same people. Heck, a couple of his best friends were almost houseguests at my house during my teens.

We didn't meet though until I was 27. This wasn't the right time for us. We got together when I was 30 (I did think about him a lot in that three years).

My point is that had we met in our teens or early 20s I know I would've fancied him and I probably would've ruined any chance for us as I wasn't the settling down type back then. And we are perfect for each other.

So yes, agree with Spiderslegs.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/05/2011 07:56

It strikes the romantic myth straight in the heart, yes. That there's one person designed for you, by God or Nature or Ms Destiny, and an unspecified number of little winged guys arranging everything for you to meet and shooting those little arrows when you do. Buying into the myth is what makes poor fools (like me Blush) stick with a rubbish partner, because, see, all those things that had to be just right for us to meet, you'd be betraying the universe to split with him. Plus that feeling that you've failed - you've let all the little winged fellows down - if you can't keep a relationship going even when the other party is knocking you about, sleeping around, or just not really interested. It was "meant to be", so why can't I keep it going?

What about the reverse, where Destiny is sending anti-Cupids to push you away from someone you shouldn't be with? No, in that case Love is supposed to Conquer All, and you may die horribly but it's ok as long as you do it Together. Very very silly isn't it! Missing the whole point of getting together with the opposite sex, too, as you can't procreate or even provide mutual support when you're dead.

Fortunately Romance does exist, shorn of its mythical trappings, and it's a lovely thing providing it's mutual and has practicality to back it up. It's not supernatural, it's entirely natural, and that's what makes it good, because it's part of being a living, feeling human being. It isn't some external force; it's in you. The good thing about that is, if one relationship goes tits-up despite what effort you put into it, Romance is still a part of who you are and you can find it again with somebody else.

seachange · 05/05/2011 08:08

With all the billions of people in the world, logically/statistically of course there are going to be others that you would be compatible with. I think it's about deciding to love one particular person, making a conscious choice to invest in them and try and make them happy. That's not just something you do when you get married, but on a daily basis (esp if you're going through a rough patch!).

Then, when you do bump into someone else you think you are compatible with/fancy, you might not jump into bed with them Hmm :(

ginnny · 05/05/2011 12:37

My bf and I were talking about this the other day.
We grew up about 10 miles apart and used to go to the same clubs when we were younger but never met (that I know of!). I was saying I wish I'd met him then and married him and had kids with him, as my life would have turned out so much better ... BUT back then I wouldn't have appreciated him as much as I do now and it probably wouldn't have lasted, and of course I wouldn't have had my lovely dc, who (despite their dad being a complete idiot) are the best things that have ever happened to me and the only things in my life I wouldn't change.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/05/2011 12:41
spooktrain · 05/05/2011 12:50

great song SGB

Aislingorla · 05/05/2011 14:22

Brilliant!

caramelwaffle · 05/05/2011 17:31

fantastic Grin

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