what do i do do i hang on in there or forget dh

[steelchic]

I don't know where to start its my 1st post so I'll probably ramble on. Right my situation Been married to dh nearly 10 years but been together 14. We have 1 dd & 1ds together and my dd from previous relationship (he treats her as his own) Over the years we've had our ups and downs but I thought we had a solid relationship. We have a lovely home paid off no mortgage both of us have good jobs (me part time through choice) no money worries or debts. Last year we had a bit of a bad time resulting in him renting a flat near by, he did this in the Feb after a row, that blown out of proportion I was feed up with him putting work before me. He works from home for a company that is based 200 miles away but he travels the world and all over the UK. I felt I had no life as he always seemed to be away leaving me with the running around after the kids clubs etc and as the younger 2 are 11 and 7 I could not go to fitness classes etc as I could not comit as I never knew when he would be about 2 look after kids so it was just too much hassle so I never bothered doing anything for myself. Anyway I think he rented this flat and then (without my knowledge) I think he regreted it as he never stayed there during all this time he was very strained looking and it was taking its toll on him - the secret that is. Then in May we had another row It came out about his flat I told him to go and he did but was back within the week . He is not a good comunicator but we tried to talk about what was going wrong. His biggest problem with me was the lack of sex. I admit I did go off it for a few years but when we did have it it was great, he also said he felt unloved and I didn't show him enough affection. I told him that I needed more attention and I did start alot tof the arguments to get some attention and some reaction from him. Well everything went well for a few months then form oround Oct / Nov things went down hill. He had given up the flat by then by the way. He started being very distant said ther was nothing wrong but he was saying one thing and acting the opposite. he was also not interacting as much with the DC's not seeing his own family as much just being a grumpy old git and everyone noticed. He was away with work more often Jan & Feb were terrible even although he was away for most of Jan. I found out when he was abroad on business that he had rented another place. I phoned his mobile and for some reason got into his voicemail and there was a message about his new property from the land lord. Everything blew up he did not come home but went to his new place. Most of his stuff is still here. I begged him to come home and work it out he said we needed to sort out our issues as he probably came home too soon last time. He came up to see me and the kids all the time spoke on the phone looked totally miserable. But then I found out he was seeing someone else and had been since before Xmas. He refuses to link her to our situation . He says If he was confident it would work out with us she would be out of the picture. We have been going to councelling but it all seems to be about him comunication issues He refuses to discuss the OW with me I know nothing about her apart from she comes from near his head office (200 miles away). We spent a few days away over Easter he had the DC's at a caravan and I joined them for a few days then I had to leave for work (he was upset). He says he loves me and has deep feeling for me but is scared he'll come back and things will go back to the way they were over the last year or so. I desperatly want him back as I think we can work thing s out with a bit of work. He is a great dad and he has been good with money since the split.
We have booked a holiday (before split) keeps saying we'll see how thing s go when I ask if he's coming. What do you lovely ladies all think

I'm going to have to paragraph it... sorry, my eyes are tired at the best of times, been staring at walls looking for defects all day!

I don't know where to start its my 1st post so I'll probably ramble on.

Right my situation

Been married to dh nearly 10 years but been together 14. We have 1 dd & 1ds together and my dd from previous relationship (he treats her as his own)

Over the years we've had our ups and downs but I thought we had a solid relationship. We have a lovely home paid off no mortgage both of us have good jobs (me part time through choice) no money worries or debts.

Last year we had a bit of a bad time resulting in him renting a flat near by, he did this in the Feb after a row, that blown out of proportion I was fed up with him putting work before me. He works from home for a company that is based 200 miles away but he travels the world and all over the UK.

I felt I had no life as he always seemed to be away leaving me with the running around after the kids clubs etc and as the younger 2 are 11 and 7 I could not go to fitness classes etc as I could not commit as I never knew when he would be about 2 look after kids so it was just too much hassle so I never bothered doing anything for myself.

Anyway I think he rented this flat and then (without my knowledge) I think he regretted it as he never stayed there during all this time he was very strained looking and it was taking its toll on him - the secret that is. Then in May we had another row It came out about his flat I told him to go and he did but was back within the week .

He is not a good communicator but we tried to talk about what was going wrong. His biggest problem with me was the lack of sex. I admit I did go off it for a few years but when we did have it it was great, he also said he felt unloved and I didn't show him enough affection.

I told him that I needed more attention and I did start a lot of the arguments to get some attention and some reaction from him. Well everything went well for a few months then from around Oct / Nov things went down hill. He had given up the flat by then by the way.

He started being very distant said there was nothing wrong but he was saying one thing and acting the opposite. he was also not interacting as much with the DC's not seeing his own family as much just being a grumpy old git and everyone noticed.

He was away with work more often Jan & Feb were terrible even although he was away for most of Jan. I found out when he was abroad on business that he had rented another place. I phoned his mobile and for some reason got into his voicemail and there was a message about his new property from the land lord.

Everything blew up he did not come home but went to his new place. Most of his stuff is still here. I begged him to come home and work it out he said we needed to sort out our issues as he probably came home too soon last time. He came up to see me and the kids all the time spoke on the phone looked totally miserable.

But then I found out he was seeing someone else and had been since before Xmas. He refuses to link her to our situation .

He says If he was confident it would work out with us she would be out of the picture. We have been going to counselling but it all seems to be about him communication issues

He refuses to discuss the OW with me I know nothing about her apart from she comes from near his head office (200 miles away). We spent a few days away over Easter he had the DC's at a caravan and I joined them for a few days then I had to leave for work (he was upset).

He says he loves me and has deep feeling for me but is scared he'll come back and things will go back to the way they were over the last year or so. I desperatly want him back as I think we can work things out with a bit of work.

He is a great dad and he has been good with money since the split.
We have booked a holiday (before split) keeps saying we'll see how thing s go when I ask if he's coming.

What do you lovely ladies all think?

Sorry, he's got another woman who he won't end it with, because he's not confident it'll work out between you?

So he basically has a life as a single man with a girlfriend, and a wife (& family) that'll come running whenever he wants her?

Things went down hill in Oct/Nov because he was giving himself permission to have an affair.

So if you are a good girl and give him sex on tap/pat him on the head and tell him he's lovely he'll ditch the OW then? Oh don't you just love Love's Young Dream, what a lucky girl that OW is, to have someone who is so into her, he'll dump her if his wife behaves herself.

He is playing you like a violin. He's trying to keep you on your toes, making you desperate to please him, while she is 200 miles away, possibly installed in the flat warming the bed hoping he'll choose her.

He IS a dog with 2 dicks.

Tell him to sort it out, or pack and get the FF out of your life. Sod the holiday, you are going on your own, if HE doesn't shape up and get back to the way he was before he started behaving like a prick then HE will be staying at home.

come on girl, don't put up with this! Stand up for yourself. Teach him that he can't just say jump and you say how high. Tell HIM to jump unless he WANTS to give away HALF of everything he has earned?

NO MAN is EVER worth this kind of humiliation. Please remind him of that won't you?

So, yes, he gets to go on holidays and have all the nice bits of having a family, but doesn't have to do any of the donkey work of looking after the kids and home. He also gets to have sex with you whenever he snaps his fingers, I guess.

Plus he has another woman on the go, too precious to be discussed with lowly you?

You need to stand up for yourself. He's treating you like a fool.

I'm afraid I think an affair was underway as early as February 2010 when he secretly rented a flat. I noticed you said you'd had a row that "got blown out of all proportion" and I'd suggest that the severity of the row was entirely engineered by your H and it took you by surprise that a discussion about how under-invested he was in your romantic relationship and family life, escalated to the point where he left you.

There was no earthly reason for him secretly renting a flat. He might not have lived there, but I'd be astonished if he wasn't using it, otherwise what would be the point? The strain you noticed he was under was I suspect, because of the other secrets he was harbouring. That he later rented yet another flat secretly, is telling. This man has got used to keeping secrets and telling lies.

If you've been going to counselling, I hope the therapist hasn't been focusing on "communication difficulties" and ignoring the biggest threat to this marriage; the OW and infidelity.

Forget about the holiday and for the love of all that is precious, don't you dare agree to some sort of "probation period" where you will try to compete with another woman, in the hope that he will ditch her. This man has lied and lied and lied - he is also presumably lying to her too. He is certainly no prize.

It's about time women realised that a man who treats one woman callously and as though she were expendable if someone else performs "better", is not a man worth having. Don't collude in that. Instead, tell him to stay away and while you're at it, tell him that you aren't stupid and know bloody well that this affair started long before last Christmas.

Please just tell him to fuck right off

how could you consider "working" on a relationship which is all on his terms and is dependent on you somehow (how ????) changing yourself fundamentally for such a man ?

no, don't do it

Hi Thanks for all your advice. I know I've painted a bad picture of him but he's not all bad. I know that sounds crazy after all he has done (I'd say exactly what you are all saying idf it were someone else) But he has changed over the last year but sometimes I see the old him coming through and thats the guy I want, not the grumpy old git he was at the end of last year.
He has been supportive to me in the past and I know it sounds mad but we have a good friendship and a lot of love for each other and I think we can work on that.
He has been good financialy he is giving me 1/2 approx of what he earns and I have no mortgage so I'm ok that way.
We have not slept together since he left. The only contact we have is a hug and kiss (not snog) when he leaves. He spends all the time he can with us so I don't understand the OW even his birthday last holiday weekend he spent all day with us and all Easter etc. I do encourage this as I suppose I want HER to get pissed off with him spending so much time with us.
I don't know what to do I feel. I'm in limbo waiting for him to make his mind up.
The lease on his place is up in 3 months so I guess that will be the decider (for want of a better word)/ If he wants to renew it thats it over for me and I'll have to move on. But how I'm in my late 40's I don't want to start over again. I know I can do it I brought my oldest DD up on my own for 10 years - and I did a good job - she is fab. I just don't want to spend the next 10 years as a single parent I know it sounds pathetic but I like being part of a couple

Well it sounds like you're going to carry on competing and trying to be the benign and serene wife, all the while he is seeing another woman. To do that, it also seems you need to keep up a high level of denial about what's really gone on here.

I'm sure in the past you did have a good relationship incidentally, but you can never build a new one based on secrets, lies and denial.

If he comes back, it will be for the wrong reasons; he's tired of the OW (or she dumps him), is worried about losing his assets and because as far as he's concerned, you've learnt your lesson and will in future be the compliant wife who asks no difficult questions. He will have more affairs though and one of these days, might stay away if he finds a situation that suits him better.

Aren't you worth more than that? Don't your children deserve a better role model of a relationship?

I hear what you are saying I know I'm in denial, I know where he is living but I resist the temptation to pass by incase her car is there.If this had happened a few years ago I would be shouting and sreaming at the top of my voice at his door.
My DC love their daddy but he has suggested taking them to his place (when she's not there)
I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I don't think the kids are ready either they think daddy will be coming home. I'm so confused I know I sound pathetic but I'm not I know whats what. I'ts just so hard to think of our family without him

The problem is that when you say "our family" you mean you, DH and your children, when in truth, its you, DH, OW and your children.

There are now 3 adults in your family spread over two homes linked together by a Man who can keep two women as they both hope he will leave the other woman for them.

Is that what you want from family? How can you build your own happiness and have a family when your husband is having a second life elsewhere?

Quick finance question - DH is giving you half what he earns. Considering he was able to finance another property without you knowing about it, are you sure that is the case, or is that what he is telling you?

hi
I know what he earns as we had a joint bank account and I saw wage slips etc. I know he cashed in a cash ISA for the 1st few months rent. We don't have a mortgage on this property so I supose we are quite well off. He did say if we did still have a mortgage he would not have been able to move out

Oh also just to add I think he is finding things tough financialy just a few things he has said that I have picked up on

Look, he sees you as a domestic appliance. You're there to look after the DC and keep the house clean - oh and for him to have sex on if he feels like it, but in his head you are not really 'for'; having sex on.
I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has been having or at least seeking sex on business trips in the past. His current plan will be to throw you enough bones that you will carry on doing everything for the DC and accept him shagging around because otherwise he might leave you. YOu would be better off without someone who has so little respect for you.

You are not pathetic. You are confused because he is acting in some ways like a partner, and he is also keeping you hanging on and not giving you a clear answer on the future of the relationship.

Stop listening to his words and look at his actions. He has left, he is in a relationship with someone else. If you really want to make him make his mind up, he needs to believe that you are moving on without him. It is very unkind of him to leave you dangling like this - whether or not he is having a hard time. Right now, why should he make his mind up? Its incredibly cruel - would you do this to him? no.

You need to act as though he is gone forever - and tell him that if he wants to give it another chance, he ends it with her and comes back to you. It is unacceptable that he 'tries' with you, while still being with her.

If he won't end it, and I presume he won't, then you need to formalise arrangements and tell him that as far as you are concerned it's over. He will then seriously have to make his mind up - right now he doesn't have to - he's having his cake, eating it and making trifle...

I know how hard this must be - but seriously, you are not going to fix your relationship by putting up with this, he will see you as a doormat. Get your self confidence up by spending time with friends and having some counselling if you can - and look to the future.

He knows where you are. If he misses you he can come back and beg. If he does'nt come back and beg...then you know he doesn't care.