He has gone but I am so low, knackered and fed up. Please, need words of wisdom

[Montessorisam]

Hi there,

husband left 7 weeks ago. I have 3 kids. Work 25 hours a week. I am finding this so hard. We split up (he says I kicked him out) because of his crap attitude towards me. For 3 years he has devoted his life to setting up a business, which I know is commendable and believe me, he has been praised for this throughout.

I have been home looking after kids 24/7 - night time feeds with baby, weekends, everything. After 2 years of him running a business I asked for a little of his time to give to the family. Could he maybe take the odd saturday off? No. Could he take a day off in the week. No. This was so that we could try to have a little fun again! Be a family. Do ordinary stuff you know. But he was pulling further and further away from the family. I booked concert tickets, suggested nights out, restaurants. All to no avail. He became depressed and drank every night. Became unrecognisable. Gave absolutely no emotional support when I went through a very hard, personal time.

Now that he has gone I am so alone and down. I am not coping with this 3 kids (2,6, and 9) and working 25 hours thing at all. I can't see any future, just lots of hard work.

He is very very angry. He has blamed me a lot over the last couple of years. He blamed me for having child number 3. For lots of other decisions that WE both made that didn't work out. He says that I am angry - well of course I am - I feel like he has ruined us as a family. I just wanted him to pull himself togther and be a part of US again.

He is not prepared to go to relate. Says he has no energy or inclination for it. We cannot even look at each other. Everything I say he takes as a personal attack. One of the reasons I wanted the split was because of the constant criticism and blame. The constantly having to explain my actions and words to him. Now he acts again as if I booted him out, that it is all my fault.

I can't deal with him, his anger, his blame. I just want my family back again and it is killing me. I don't know what to do or how to make it all okay again. Please advise. Should I go to the doctors and get myself some time off in the form of a sick note? I just need some time and I don't get it cos I am with kids all the time (I work with them too!!)

I wish I could offer some advice that would make it all better for you. It sounds like an awful, difficult, extremely stressful situation and you also sound like you're coping brilliantly. Some time off would be a good idea I think. Why not take a few sick days, just to catch your breath and get your head around things, and see how you go? You might find you don't need more than that (and work will help keep your mind off things and get out of the house in any case).

Time is probably the only thing that is going to help I suspect. I'm sorry, I know that doesn't help you right now, but it will get better. Does it help to know you're coping brilliantly?

Gosh, I could have written your post word for word, except I have only 2 DC and my H wouldn't have had the gumption to start up a business.

What he did do was not speak to me for many years, suffering from severe depression and then began drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I was the classic "nagging wife" to him, even though I was supporting the family both financially and emotionally, and he was doing absolutely nothing.

I was exhausted and fed up of shielding the children from him and made him leave, forcibly, whilst booking a Relate appt for two weeks later. In that two week period, he met and moved in with another woman.

Of course, it was all my fault (according to him). He was so angry.

I also work 25 hours a week...drop the DC at school and pick them up on the way home. No time ever to myself, no maintenance.

Sorry, I'm being long-winded. There is nothing you can do for this man right now. His issues are personal ones and are out of your control. Until his depression and drinking are dealt with, then I doubt you'll be able to work through your issues as a couple. He won't be able to pull himself together unless he is treated / counselled medically for whatever is "doing his head in". You haven't caused the depression or his need to drink, but he does need to seek out and address what has.

This would surely be the starting point.

It is blardy hard to keep things going, whilst presenting a "Chin Up" front for the children and friends. I booked a Relate appt last week just for myself and it really helped to just off-load to a stranger. Would that work for you?

Thank you, thank you!!! Just to know that someone is 'out there'. I have thought about relate just for myself. It couldn't hurt could it. I feel such a mess.

Orangepuffle - you are right in that he needs councelling and help. But he won't do it. It is too easy to 'blame' me isn't it rather than admit any fault.

Mushroomsandolives - thankyou! I guess if I keep telling myself that I am 'coping brilliantly' then I eventually might feel it!

I can't even have a drink myself as I have to get up at 6am and keep going all day until 8pm when the kids are in bed. There is no way I could drink ANY alcohol and do this!

My H has also refused counselling, despite him havng enough ishoos to keep a counsellor funded for the next decade.

I am a year down the line now, and still receive massive text messages from him "dumping" all his emotions on me. Foolishly, I allowed him to do this over the past year as I was desperate to keep a connection.

however, last week's Relate session urged me to "detach" from him so I have, and I do feel much better knowing that I am only caring for me and DC. He has someone else to care for him, it is not my job to save him.

And your H can only save himself right now. The Chin Up Tits Out threads are awesome, full of lovely ladies going through exactly the same things. They might be a good source of support for you.

Do you have any relatives (mum, sister?) who could come and stay for a few days, just to give you some adult conversation at home, and the opportunity to have a bit of time to yourself? It must be so hard to try and think straight towards the future when you are so knackered emotionally and physically.

Orangepuffle you sound like you have had a really awful time too. I am sorry. "detaching" from him sounds like the right thing to do for both of us. I do not want this going on for another year and I'm not sure how you have managed for so long! You must be emotionally drained from it all.

Squeakytoy - I don't have any relatives that can help me. It would probably make me feel better if I did! It is hard to think straight and I am knackered!

I was just thinking about how I am at work. I take my 2 year old with me as it is a nursery. This adds to the strain of it all as he is still clingy and demanding. I know that I am not giving my all and doing my best because of all of this and because I have my own child there. It all seemed like a good idea because I can't afford to work and pay for childcare. But it is stressful there too and I never get a break from my little one.