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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend in love with married man, how can I make her see sense?

13 replies

sylvestersnoad · 04/05/2011 18:48

My friend is in love with a married man and has been having an affair (well, he has sex with her, and then immediately gets up and leaves) for 8 years. He has moved to a different country with his family. He promised her for the entire 8 years that they would be together. He is coming back soon to see family, and she thinks he will discuss her and him being together (and her moving out there with him). If he was a single chap, and they had been in a loving monogamous (sp?) relationship for this time, I would be telling her to go for it. She is prepared to sell up, move thousands of miles away from her entire family for this man (children, brothers, sisters parents, she is single). I am not kidding when I say he gets up the moment, he has had his pleasure and leaves. She is totally and utterly convinced that he loves her and wants to be with her. He has never bought her a present, birthday/christmas/valentines card. Literally all he has done in the past is sleep with her and then gets up and leaves. He texts her from time to time and that is it. I know it is none of my business what my friend does, but I think I owe it to her to try and stop her making an enormous mistake. Should I just seriously butt out? I think she is absolutely crazy. (By the way, this is definitely not me posting this for myself!). I have often thought about contacting him myself and just tell him to get lost and leave her alone.

OP posts:

seachange · 04/05/2011 18:54

Doubt there is anything you can do for your friend. If you really want to change things, I would contact the wife. Not saying that would be the right thing to do, just the most effective.

BitOfFun · 04/05/2011 18:55

If she is that deluded, there is nothing you can do, no.

waterrat · 04/05/2011 19:03

have you ever taken her out for a lunch/ heart to heart?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 04/05/2011 19:04

I don't think there is much you can do, she is clearly utterly delusional.

If you care more for her than for your friendship and would do anything to stop her going, then perhaps telling her parents and siblings might have some effect?

spidookly · 04/05/2011 19:12

She is going to leave her own children to move abroad in pursuit if a man who uses her as a blow up doll?

I must have that bit wrong. By children did you mean nieces and nephews?

FreudianSlipper · 04/05/2011 19:33

tell her straight that you are only telling her because you love her, point out that you are always there for her but be honest and tell her she is being foolish and wasting her life

Original poster

sylvestersnoad · 04/05/2011 21:28

Seachange, I could not live with myself causing another person that much heartbreak (his wife). I could easily give him a piece of my mind though, and am sorely tempted.

Waterrat, she knows my thoughts on him. She knows I think he is a scumbag. She is convinced he loves her.

Alibaba, My friend is in her fifties, and has grown up children, and grand children. Her parents are very elderly and I know they would not be able to stop her, neither would her siblings.

Freudian, I have more or less told her that already. She is utterly convinced they are meant to be together.

I will await events, as he is supposed to be coming back soon for a family visit, but whether this will materialise I have no idea. Thanks everyone for your responses.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/05/2011 21:32

it doesn't sound you can do/say much more without wrecking your friendship, and she is going o need hat when this all goes tit-up (as it will)

let her make her mistakes, and do not contact anyone else, it really is not your business (other than being there for your friend)

AnyFucker · 04/05/2011 21:32

sound like

Original poster

sylvestersnoad · 04/05/2011 21:36

Thanks AF. I have no intention of contacting his wife at all. The thought of contacting him makes me feel squeamish, I cannot stand the bloke (and have never even met him!). I think I will be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong. My friend is lovely and deserves someone decent. She is usually quite savvy too, except with regards to him! Thanks again.

OP posts:

Spero · 04/05/2011 21:38

The wife probably knows.

I agree with Freudianslipper, but be prepared for her to turn on you and get angry. Deep down she almost certainly knows she is a fool so she may shoot the messanger.

When I tried this with an (ex) friend of mine; I said she could do so much better than being with a man who had sex and then left her (on her birthday he was out of her house by 7.30pm! But at least he bought her some roses...) She accused me of being jealous of her.

Aislingorla · 04/05/2011 21:38

She sounds deluded and a bit foolish and sad really but there's nothing you can do to convince her she is being led on.

maypole1 · 04/05/2011 22:03

You can't all you can do is wait for the penny to drop he will never leave his wife that sadly could take years but do make it clear you won't be part of lies and you don't want him around your family

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