Is this relationship over?

[ageingdisgracefully]

I'm new here, so please be gentle. I'd like some advice on whether you all think my relationship is over.

I have been with my DP since my final year in University. We're both middle-aged now, but in the past shared interests and spent most of our free time together. Since having DD, 8, however, the relationship seems to have hit the skids. We no longer communicate properly, and no longer sleep in the same bedroom. We haven't had sex for about 2 years. He was made redundant quite recently, and I have no regular salary, being self-employed.

He has always been quite a selfish man, and rather unemotional. I'm a bit the same, and find it hard to "open up". He seems to have lost any respect he once had for me, doesn't show any affection, or notices anything I do. He's a great father, though, and adores DD, who adores him back. We have a lovely home, which I worked hard to create. I no longer think the relationship has any legs, but I am loath to leave as I believe people should stay together for the sake of DCs wherever possible. I'm normally a positive, optimistic person, but I need to decide what to do, though, as the situation is making me miserable and dragging me down. Any thoughts? Thanks.

Never never use DC's as a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.

you seemed to be saying yourself, that the relationship is over.

So it is really up to you to decide how much effort you want to put into saving it.

I do think at the very least, you owe your DH a serious conversation about how you are feeling and to find out how he is feeling.

Do you think counselling might be worth a shot?

He can continue to be a great father whether you stay together or not

Hi OP: When your daugher gets older she will realise that things aren't great with you and your H. I stayed in an unhappy marriage until last week - for the kids. They knew far more than I realised. (My four are all teenagers though). Also, I really think that kids are better with two parents who live apart than living in an unhappy home. So please think about yourself, and how your unhappiness is affecting you - because that will impact on your health and wellbeing, which in turn will impact on daughter.

My marriage was loveless for two years. H was cold, emotionally detached and downright cruel in all that time. I thought it was me. Know, after reading so many posts on here, I realise that it was/is him. Put your own happiness first - it really is this simple - you say you create a happy home. So do I - I have done all the leg work for years. It's as simple as this - if you are happy - the kids are happy. End of.

Take care

There is a huge difference between making a marriage work because you have children, and just staying together because you have children.

No child benefits from their parents being stuck together in a shit marriage, and it certainly doesnt teach the child what a loving relationship is supposed to be like.

Hi there, seems you are just functioning on a day to day basis, and that really is no way to live.

You deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be cherished, to have fun, and laugh.

Don't you think that if your daughter was to see you happy it would in turn make her life easier?

Do you want your daughter growing up to believe that the relationship her mother and father have is what she should aspire to herself? Or do you want something better for her than you have?

Staying together for the sake of children is wrong.

Talk to your partner, he has to leave you both need to move on.

I don't know if it is over, but from what you say, it shouldn't carry on like this.

This is your one life and you shouldn't chose to spend it this way. I don't think it will benefit your child if you stay together like this as you are teaching some sad lessons about relationships which will probably influence a great deal of her future life.

So maybe look at doing what you can to make things different - talking, counselling, etc but if in six months time nothing has changed, I think it should be over.

Thanks all. I don't think I come across as unhappy as I internalise my emotions a lot, but I hadn't really thought about the effect of our relationship on DD. Also, as i am getting on a bit, I'm not sure what to expect from a long-term relationship and whether sex/demonstrations of affection are a part of things as you get older. Most of my friends are either younger than me or not in relationships, so I've got nothing to compare with. I'm also not sure if I should take it for granted that he still finds me attractive, or if I am asking too much of him. I'd like to know, Saffy, how you managed to move on?

I was in the same situation. I did make numerous efforts to improve things but sadly was all one way. Our marriage was actually sexless/affectionless fir more than 5 years before I 'emotionally checked out'. It was really hard but am now two years on and I think we are both a lot happier.

Btw xh did start making an effort when he realised I was serious, it's just that I never threaten something I am not willing to follow through andi guess by that time it was just too late for me, all the love had died. Still feel bit sad about that, I loved him for so long

Btw, we were together 20+ years and am now late 40s

berries, you sound just like me. It's just so sad, expecially when you have loved him for so long. Good on you for getting out and being strong and positive.

My parents were unhappy for a long time before they split. Separating was the best thing they could have done for us as children (despite the way they did it). My brother and I have said many a time that they have very little in common and we wonder how they got together in the first place.
Don't stay for the sake of your daughter, you aren't doing her any favours if you aren't happy. You are the most important thing in her life.