How responsible should you be/feel for an ex-partner?

[CoffeeMum]

I am struggling to know how to support a good friend in the aftermath of their break up. He has, at the very least, emotional/personality problems, and at the most, mental health issues and seems to have undergone something pretty close to a nervous breakdown. However, he doesn't appear to be a risk to himself or others, and seems to be functioning.

My friend has moved away from him, but doesn't seem able to detach herself from ex, feels responsible for him and very upset by his behaviour. I tend to think that she needs to draw a line, or she will never move on with her life. Am i being harsh? TBH, their relationship seemed a bit dire even before all these issues came up - he did some fairly questionable things, so i tend to think she's not even in a place where she 'owes him for the good times'.

What should i do? Thanks in advance.

Not being harsh at all.
Your friend is just enabling a person who sounds like every excuse not to get himself sorted is a valid one.

If they have children together she will never stop being there for him, if they don't have children together she will eventually move on and he will no longer be a part of her life.

Thanks both. Bucharest - even if that's the way i feel, i'm guessing it's not my place to say it as this time. I reckon it's best for me to be there for her and to listen to her and support her. Maybe if things haven't moved on in time, it might be right to make a diplomatic comment?
Fabby - no children together - if they had, i would absolutely accept that they would always be linked in their responsibiltiy to the children. I'm assuming from what you say that i just need to make sure i'm there for her until she feels ready to move on?
It's just hard, because she's great, and he's putting her through hell

I am on the other side. I am the one going through a nervous breakdown after a breakup and I am really relying and leaning on my ex for answers and support. Whilst I know it's wrong, I just don't have anyone else.

Well, if no children, then not at all....

But with children, it's more complex. It's of distinct benefit to my children if my ex is not suicidally depressed, can breathe properly and has somehwere to live where they can visit him. So I have taken him to the GP when very depressed, I have paid his prescription for his inhalers a couple of times (because EVEYONE has the right to breathe) and I put a deposit down on a flat for him, which he paid back, when he was living in a single room.

It is enabling him, but it is enabling him to be a better parent. He's never been very resiliant, but I cannot see that as his fault.

If no kids then he is responsible for himself. Not her job to save him.

cumbria81 I assume your ex is reasonably OK with this? IMO that's different to a situation this where the person seems to feel they ought to still pick up the pieces but really desn't want to.

Colditz - absolutely 100% understand that there is always a responsibility to your ex if they are the mother/father of your children. Of course that is the case. It sounds as if you have been utterly decent to your ex, and please know that i would never dream of blaming someone with emotional or mental problem. It is an illness like any other - that's not what my dilemma is here - i'm wondering how much responsiblity my friend should have for her ex. I have massive sympathy for this guy for going through what he's going through.

cumbria - please don't think i'm judging you for getting support from your ex, i'm sure your situation is very different. But in terms of looking out for my friend's well being, i just don't want her to get damaged by caring for this guy. I can already see the effect it's having on her.

Should also add, this guy is absolutely against getting any professional help in terms of medication, counselling, etc. Maybe if he was more open to help, things would be different?

Thanks for your replies - just want to support my friend in the best possible way and be there for her.

yes, 80s chick has summed it up better than me"! I can see that there are situations were the ex is happy to help, and the other ex is making the best of that help. I fear this is not that situation. The fact that he wasn't an especially great parter pre-problems makes me less inclined to think she owes him anything now...