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Original poster

Does becoming someone's girlfriend "just happen"?!

17 replies

klapaucius · 03/05/2011 21:43

Just posted this in AIBU in a somewhat frenzied and unhinged manner:

"This is going to be an essay. Please no "TLDR" for the sake of my currently somewhat fragile ego. And yes I know I'm probably overreacting. And that I should have posted this in "Relationships". But anyway, I have been seeing a WONDERFUL man for almost 3 months now. Not long, I know, but we have seen eachother very frequently since the 1st time we met and I've met all of his friends and we've been on a weekend break to Zurich together where we stayed at one of his best friends house. He told me - albeit whilst intoxicated - that he loved me on 2 separate occasions (although both of these times were when we were having sex so I don't think that counts and I didn't say anything back) and he told me that he told his parents he has a girlfriend. However, I was meant to meet them in Zurich and didn't :/. We also spent the day of the royal wedding together with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. How bloody long is it going to take for him to realise how wonderful I am and make me his girlfriend?!?!?!?!!?!?! Which leads me to this: on Friday night/Saturday morning I lost my phone and have been using his to text a few people including my mother. This morning (I spent Friday-Tuesday at his) she called and he answered. Blah blah blah long story short I told him she didn't know about him (playing hard to get, acting cool etc when really she knows everything from his apartment's floorplan to his inside leg measurement) and later facebook messaged him saying "I told my mum u are my boyfriend haha sorry hope u don't mind". THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER he replies with "haha what do u think my mom thinks. there was no other way to explain it to her". WHAT IS THAT? I basically gave him an opening and he throws it in my face. I also happened to look AWFUL on the day I left his (should have taken my makeup off instead of sleeping in it 2 days in a row really) which is making me think any thoughts he had of taking things further may well have melted away along with my mascara faster than you can say "Regan MacNeil". I just need some opinions before I contemplate death by chocolate."

Have had a few responses asking what on earth I meant by "make me his girlfriend". Surely I'm not a crazy person in thinking that there is 1. "Seeing someone" and 2. Being boyfriend and girlfriend and that 3. #2 takes place after some sort of verbal communication/confirmation?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 21:48

I posted on your thread on AIBU.

Surely you are his girlfriend you been seeing him three months, spend a lot of time with him etc., It is not something you talk about it's just a given.

Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:06

I really wish I knew this. I feel a little silly... I really thought it was something you talk about. Even though we've almost spoken about it a few times I thought the word "girlfriend" had to be mentioned :s

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 03/05/2011 22:18

FFS. I can't see this relationship lasting very long unless you develop some sense of perspective.

BertieBotts · 03/05/2011 22:23

I think some people will take it as an assumption and some people won't see it as "official" until a conversation has taken place.

But really, breathe! And use paragraphs.

Are you both quite young? He sounds a bit immature, and you seem almost like you're waiting for him to tell you what's happening. Why? Why can't you initiate a proper conversation instead of giving him vague hints "openings" and expecting him to magically know what you mean? Confused

Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:32

BertieBotts that's so true, I know. But I am a needy coward and definitely a member of the latter group :(

Paragraphs are good.

He is a bit immature sometimes and I think that is actually what he needs - to have me initiate a meaningful conversation for once instead of always waiting for him - but the thought of it terrifies me.

And yeah, that was never going to be a good idea really.

OP posts:
annh · 03/05/2011 22:33

Have you been in a relationship before?! Why are you so unsure of your status? Have previous boyfriends sat you down and said "Right, Klapaucius, I now consider you my girlfriend?"

ilovesooty · 03/05/2011 22:36

I've never yet been in a relationship with a man who was very keen on "meaningful conversations".

As I said on the other thread, I don't see what the big deal is. If you're enjoying being with him: fine. If it's causing you angst: question why you're there. I just don't see why why the "label" matters.

goal2goal · 03/05/2011 23:28

easiest way to find out... ask him. if he says no, then you know that you shouldn't really develop feelings. if he says yes then you can see how it goes! and by that email i believe that is a man's way of affirming that you are indeed boyfriend and girlfriend.

so put yourself out of your misery and ask him outright.

whats the worse that can happen!?

2rebecca · 03/05/2011 23:33

If I go on more than about 3 dates with a bloke he is my boyfriend. After 3 months I would have slept with him and would definitely be describing him as my boyfriend. Your attitude to this makes you sound about 12.
Even my teenagers know a boyfriend or girlfriend is someone you are "going out with".
You've been going out with this bloke for 3 months, if you need a special chat or ceremony to make him your boyfriend you are weirdly formalising something that really should just come naturally.

berlinnovels · 03/05/2011 23:48

Ok OP you do seem a little, um, fraught about this but I think the kicking people have given you for the 'official boyfriend' thing is a bit harsh. I for one have had this conversation in all three of my serious relationships (at around the six week mark). I am neither 12 nor unhinged :) It is an acknowledgement of the fact that you're 'exclusive'. I think making sure you have similar expectations rather than just assuming is a Good Thing.

IngridBergman · 03/05/2011 23:55

He sounds very immature. I would ditch him I think, not calling himself your boyfriend after this length of time is a bit surreal and it sounds like he's embarrassed by the relationship.

What a dickhead, in short.

Sorry...you can do better. Follow your instinct.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 03/05/2011 23:57

He has agreed with you! He said "Well what do yo think you are?" in a manner of speaking.

In my experience once you're an adult, its more of a "Are we exclusive now?" conversation rather than titling it. Maybe you need to ask him that....

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/05/2011 10:01

Is the key thing that you haven't agreed whether or not the two of you are exclusive? Because that's a converstaion you need to have if monogamy is what you want (and it sounds like you are desperate keen on the idea). Monogamous people sometimes get very hurt when they assume that someone they have been dating is exclusively 'theirs' - without asking the other person about it, which leads to a nasty shock when they fine out the person is seeing and/or having sex with other people because in their opinion a relationship is not exclusive until the couple have agreed it is going to be exclusive.

2rebecca · 04/05/2011 10:41

Can't you tell that sort of thing though? Most of my boyfriends have been men I've known for a while before I started going out with them. If a bloke after seeing me for a few weeks didn't think I was totally wonderful with me feeling the same way about him then I'd feel the relationship was going nowhere anyway.
I can't imagine going out with a guy for 3 months and not knowing if he was sleeping with other women or wondering how important I was in his life.

ginnny · 04/05/2011 11:01

I don't understand why you are upset with his text. Didn't it mean "of course I am your boyfriend - what else would I be?" or am I missing something?
You sound very insecure - why on earth would he go off you because you didn't take off your make up. Surely after 3 months he has seen you at your best and worst and he is still with you so a bit of left over mascara isn't going to make any difference.
I think you need to chill out - if you want it official then just ask him outright, but I think you can safely assume you are his girlfriend.

Original poster
klapaucius · 04/05/2011 16:59

SpringchickenGoldBrass - I should have thought about that. A few weeks in he brought up the exclusive thing. So...I guess I feel a bit silly. I thought there was seeing eachother exclusively and then somehow evolving to official girlfriend/boyfriend status. It all sounds a bit childrens playground now, I realise. We did both agree to see eachother exclusively and I suppose that's enough.

Thanks goal2goal I will do that when I'm mildly inebriated.

OP posts:
ninah · 04/05/2011 20:08

I'd drop the game playing (my mother's never heard of you stuff) relax and be a bit more honest with him. And chill out - if you can't enjoy a relationship at 3 months when can you, really

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