Is DH Cracking up again? Help

[pfer]

Hi, Help!! When DH was 26/27 he had a bit of mini breakdown had to see a counsellor - turned out it was because he was worried about getting old - may have had something to do with his 20year older girlfriend. Anyway, with help he recovered ok I think, as this all happened a few years before we met.

I've noticed of late he's been more miserable than usual. Ok, he's never been full of the joys of spring but he can usually raise a smile at least once a day, but not anymore. He says he hates his job one minute and doesn't the next, he feels trapped, frustrated, angry, he goes off on one over nothing and I have to send him out as I don't want the kids to see him like that - and he has been known to throw things and slam doors a lot, and I'm not prepared to risk them getting hurt by accident. Anywat, last night he came to be about an hour after me and just laid there. Then started crying. Said he was sorry about everything. Went to look at the kids sleeping - I could hear him crying and saying he was sorry to them too, then he went out to the summerhouse for a while. He can back about an hour later just laid there again. Wouldn't say what was wrong as he "feels stupid and weak". So I just cuddled him till he went to sleep. This morn. he's quiet subdued. I'm a bit worried really. At least if he rants and raves I know what's going on, but he's just being quiet. It's not like him. Any ideas?

Perhaps you could suggest that he makes an appointment with the doc just to talk over how he's feeling?

Sorry to hear you're having a bad time, depression is so hard on the whole family.

kama, I know it's not ideal but DS1 is sleeping over at mum's friday nite and DS2 is usually asleep by 7pm so we'll pretty much have a evening to ourselves. Prob. I find with him is that whenever he has a problem he bottles it up rather than talking about it because he says he feels weak.

He did have a pretty crap time of it after the age of about 10 when his mum died. Dad remarried to what was sadly a wicked stepmum. When I do manage to get anything out of him it comes out in a tidal wave and usually ends up with him going on about his dad letting him down by not noticing what was happening at home - she didn't hit them, was just generally unkind. I just wonder if this is where his problems come from?

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ggg - I've suggested that when he's had 'episodes' in past. I can see he's depressed, but he can't. He said he's ok, when he's so obviously not.

Get him to the doctor. His behaviour is an obvious appeal for help. He's telling you he can't cope. The doctor should ask him a few questions, eliminate any physical cause and then explain various treatment options - medication, counselling, group therapy or psychotherapy. These treatments do work.

Please reassure your DH that he is not stupid and weak, that this is a form of illness and that you're going to help him get better. Guilt is an awful burden on depressed people.

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kama, I'm going to sound like a perfect little wife (sadly I'm not), but I've always encouraged him to follow whatever career path he wants to take, he says he's too old to re-train, he's not though, but he feels like life has passed him by and he's "wasted it". I'm not been pushy, just shown an interest. He'll start a class, decide it's not as interesting as he thought it would be then quits. Always comes back to his dad not helping him through college when he was 16. He had to leave as he couldn't afford to eat during the day as he wasn't helped at all. when he quit he wasn't talked to about it, all that was said was "get yourself down that building site and get a job, you're not taking off us". Nice eh? (and they did have money).

That's what makes me think the problems started with his dad.

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hope not! he's only 36

pfer, losing a parent in your childhood can sow the seeds for serious mental health problems later in life, that can surface at any time, but are often triggered by becoming a parent yourself. Being left in the care of a neglectful/insensitive surviving parent, who may well also be grieving themselves, can compound the matter.
I just wonder how old your dh was when his mother died, how old she was, how old your children are, and how old you are. In recent years my dh has found life a real struggle after we lost a baby to a premature stillbirth and it opened up long-suppressed feelings of sadness, anger and guilt over the death of his dad when dh was just six. This was the trigger, but we have found life hardest as ds and dd approach the ages dh and his dsis were when their dad died. He also struggled badly the year he reached the same age as his dad was when he died.
You have my total and heartfelt sympathy - supporting a partner through depressive illness AND feeling like you are the only reliable, responsible adult in the household can be sheer hell some days.
I had not seen the brilliant link ggggl posted and I am bookmarking that later (merci madame).
What has worked for us has been getting dh to the gp's for some low dose ads, and encouraging him to get out on his own (tennis and meeting up with some long-lost friends from college have REALLY helped).
My dh would not seek counselling either - something I found especially annoying
I hope it helps a little to say that it is possible to live with depression in the family and still have a lot of happiness and good times for yourselves and the children. Dh is MUCH better than he was a year ago and the support of friends has helped us tremendously.

Marina, thanks for the support, at the moment it's much needed.

Dh is 36, I am 31, DS1 is 3yrs 9months and DS2 is 13months. DH's mum was 35 when she died after a four year battle with cancer. They only found out about the cancer when she was pregnant with DH's twin brothers and she refused any treatment until after they were born. DH says that for sometime after her death he blamed the twins, but now has an Ok relationship with them. There are 4 boys in total one older by 3.5yrs, DH then the younger 2. Their dad stayed at home for about a year to look after them, then within about 18months from being widowed had remarried and uprooted the family to move to the house that their new stepmum already had. So they lost their mum, close by family and friends within about 18months give or take a month. The dad went to work and SMum looked after the kids but not as well as she probably could have done. They walked around in smelly clothes, went on no school trips, birthday presents were school uniforms, never enough to eat. You get the general idea? It's not like there was no money. DH's step siblings all got better than DH and his brothers - and sadly still do. Just as an example DH is lucky to get a birthday card, but his Step Brother in Law was visited whilst on holiday, taken out for a meal and bought a present. It's like DIL has been trying too hard to be a good StepDad that he's forgotten about his own children. None of the brothers like their Smum and have as little to do with their dad as possible as they all feel let down and betrayed. Until recently I encourage DH to keep contact with DIL as you only get one set of parents don't you? Well, I've since changed my mind. I'll never again remind him to phone him or ask if he wants to go see him.

When DH has bouts of depression, which happens every so often,(he's had them for years and occasionally panic attacks) it usually comes after contact with DIL or over something that had happened when he was growing up.

I don't think he'll ever get over whatever it is until he talks to DIL about it, but he'd never do that as he doesn't want to upset him. Pity the feelings aren't mutual. DIL is very insensitive and unless you are blunt with him he'll never realise he'd done anything offensive.

Everyday I thank god for my mum. I've been so lucky.

pfer this all sounds horribly similar, I am so sorry.
I suffered from depression after our stillbirth too and what made the difference for me (compared to my dh and yours) was that I sought bereavement counselling.
Although grief was what sent me there, I had a brilliant psychotherapist who helped me decode my own anger/resentment/guilt etc towards members of my family and my relationship with my mother especially improved a lot as a result.
A specific thing I took away from the sessions was that if I was not prepared to have some things out with her (because I felt what I said might be too hurtful/damaging) then I needed to let them go. To forgive, if you like (and compared to what your dh went through I had very little to forgive tbh).
Once I'd accepted I could do this, that it was not essential to confront her, it was like a huge thorn out of my side.
I so wished dh could have addressed some massive issues with his mother in the same way, because a lot of his misery in the past year is, like your dh's, tied up with how the surviving parent handled the bereavement. She never remarried but managed to make the children feel that was their fault (millstones etc).
I could go on and on but I won't - like you, I have recently stopped actively encouraging contact because there is no support forthcoming and no warm affection. She has chosen to turn a blind eye to his illness and I can't forgive her for that
I wish there was a way these men could be MADE to see counsellors - there is only so much their wives can do for them