Need advice :( please...

[sadnblue]

Well where do I start? I'm sorry if this is too long. I am 29, DH is 32. We have 4 children together and have been married since 2005. We met via an online chat room in 2000. The first few years were very rocky. Everything in the past 11 years felt like it was forced on me. Yes I made my choices, but always felt rushed into doing so. Like getting married, I didnt feel ready but it was very important to him, so I went ahead and married him. I never to this day regretted marrying him, just felt like it was rushed.

We got married in 2005. I was pregnant with our 3rd at the time. My sister in law and I went to my first wedding dress fitting. It didnt last as long as we thought it would so i returned home early. Only to find DH on his pc using some sort of web cam sex site. Of course he tried to deny it an close it all down in some frantic panic, like I expect any other man would when they have been caught out doing something they think is wrong. We didnt talk for the rest of the day. It was eating me up so we spoke about it the next day. He promised he would never ever go to those sites again, he said he understood how it made me feel. I'm an insecure person as it is. He knows this and has since the first time we ever spoke. I made it perfectly clear how that stuff, including porn, makes me feel. We came to an agreement that if he wanted to watch porn then we watch it together. Not behind my back. For the next 3 or 4 months that followed, I'm pretty sure he stuck to it. We even watched porn together and although I didnt enjoy it, I did enjoy making him happy.

Oh, and I also would have sex 5 times a day if given the chance. I LOVE sex. So I always thought he would have no reason to need to use those sites. I just assumed he was happy having sex 3 times a week even though he knew I wanted it more.

I guess some of the trust got destroyed that day, because over the years I constantly checked his pc for any signs. 2007 he had done it again. I tried to bring it up but he swore blind he hadnt been looking at them. I let it go, maybe I was wrong even though the evidence was there.

4 weeks ago I got rushed into hospital. I had to have an emergency operation. I was on hospital for 10 days. The day after my operation I spent 4 hours trying to get hold of DH. He eventually did get back to me saying he was sleeping. I shrugged it off but thought it was odd...it was the middle of the day. I left it at that.

Next day, DH came in to see me. I told him I knew he had been on those sites again...he admitted it, told me he was lonely and was sorry and he wouldnt ever look at them again. Deja vu. I got discharged and went to my sisters house. I couldnt face him. He spent the whole day trying to get in touch with me. I eventually picked up the phone and we spoke. He said he couldnt lose me and didnt realise it hurt me so much. I geuss the conversations we had in the previous years went in one ear and out the other. At one point he even tried to say its because im not adventurous enough and just 'dont do it' for him.

I came home. We even had sex a few times a couple of weeks after, to try making me feel secure. But there is nothing there. I feel nothing. It is honestly like living with a roommate. He knows something is wrong because he will constantly repeat 'why do you look so miserable?'.

He might be able to forget, but I cant :( How do i forget? Is this the end of our marriage? What do I do?

My uncle married a woman with four kids and they went on to have a fifth.

That's beside the point anyway, you shouldn't stay with someone who makes you unhappy just because you are afraid no one else will want you.

If you think being 29 and having 4 DCs will be off-putting, remember you're not getting any younger. There will come a time when you'll say 'I'm 35 with 4 DCs..' Time moves on and you go around once on this particular merry go round.

But more to the point, living your life for yourself (well, for the benefit of the children really) is really what it's all about. And 'for yourself' doesn't necessarily mean 'with a man' as AKissIsNotAContract says. If you get a few years of managing well on your own under your belt, your perspective can change.

There is an aspect of this that might give you pause as the years go on -- what if one of the children came across the porn? This happened in my own family and it caused the permanent rupture of the relationship between oldest DD and her father, a breach compounded by his refusal to accept that it could possibly be anything he did that caused the estrangement. A person who has demonstrated that his priority is using porn, to the point where he clearly doesn't accept that he risks his relationship, his family life, or even his own living arrangements in order to pursue it, will not take seriously the idea that he has a responsibility to his children to keep them shielded from that.

I think you are being sidetracked by the porn use because it's OK for a woman to be angry with a man for looking at porn, somehow more OK than for a woman to be angry with a man who decided that she would do as his domestic servant, so moved in with her without asking, married her pretty much without asking if she minded, and has spend the past 11 years expecting to be serviced by her in every way. As others have said, waht are you getting out of this relationship? He's a lazy cocklodging parasite. You are only 29, which means you have been washing this man'sshitty pants and cooking his dinner since you were 18!

I think she is concerned that she is living with a stranger, SGB. This man has previously voiced his own strong anti-porn views. Now she worries that the rest of her life with him has been a complete lie, with the porn secret being the tip of a potential iceberg.

Not that he isn't a parasite, but I don't think this is about what is socially acceptable wrt views on porn.

Agree with the others who've said, raising four kids is no mean feat, you have shown you are a strong woman. You can do this on your own no problem (well ok, no picnic, but it isn't all roses round the door right now).

He has not once initiated making love, sits on the pc all day, no affection. You have nothing to lose here apart from a liar.

Sad, you only get one life. If he is the type to never ever take responsibility or seek to change and make you happy, he is what he says on the tin. Is that enough of a life for a young woman. Christ, you're only thirty (soon), you have a good fifty years to live, don't settle for this my love.

You might be surprised at how attractive, confident and energetic you feel once you're not dealing with a man who is making your life's work the equivalent of pushing water uphill.

My lovely partner has taken on me and my three kids, who are obviously not his. Its not always easy, but he loves us and there are other men who would love you and your kids. Dont stay in a miserable relationship because you are afraid of being alone

You were having your 3rd child together but felt rushed in to marrying him
You found him on porn sites and you still married him
He is clearly a twat but you stay married to him.

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