So there's no hope?

[Konchita]

I have started talking to my ex of a few years around Christmas. We were sort of together until about 2005-6 then I met and fell in love with someone else but we stayed in limited contact, seeing each other as friends once or twice a year. He asked me to marry him several times during those years, but of course he had been seeing other women, and I wasn't interested in him in that way anyway.
Now I suffered a complete fiasco with this other guy, I even had a thread here somewhere. It's only recently that I started to feel I am coming back to life and also that I am actually interested in my ex. So over a few last months we started talking and actually meeting up but I have been holding off the sex for the reasons that I am not quite sure what's going on.
Firstly he doesn't seem to have time for me (I understand he's busy at work, but he's not prime minister), also what happened that he would make plans to go away for the weekend/go to the opera etc but it would never actually happen. Secondly when he did say that he really really wanted to see me regularly I asked him what exactly it was he wanted and if he wanted a relationship. He said if you're finally ready for one that is great news.

We met for lunch the next day (which was 28th of March), I had the most wonderful time, a few drinks, walk in the park, plans how now we can do all the normal regular stuff together, then he invited himself to my place for a "cup of tea" which naturally he wasn't interested in the slightest, but because he had to get back to the office later in the afternoon I didn't really want to sleep with him like that and feel abandoned afterwords, so I told him that relationships are not just sex, they are also about spiritual connection and showed him my drawings. He seemed to be interested, by the the middle of the second album he said ok, he understands - most people see about spiritual stuff in the beginning, but we will have to do it the other way around. Basically we had a laugh about it and he had to go anyway.

For the next week of so we kept in touch all the time, then suddenly I sent him a text (about nothing really, just said you've gone all quiet, you must be doing something really exciting)on a sunday night and he only replied 3 days later with "thank you it is exciting!". I didn't like it at all and replied that since it took him so long to answer I believe him that it is, and that was it. I didn't ask anything, he didn't say anything else.

I had birthday couple of weeks later and he remembered and sent me a text, i asked him how he was and he said very well and that was it again. The easter holidays he supposedly spent with his children.

I don't know if the prospect of a relationship with me filled him with so much joy and happiness that he got cold feet and had to run away or if there is another woman in the picture. I also think that if he wanted to get rid of me completely it would make sense for him not to remember my birthday.

My question is this - do I just leave it alone or might I get in touch with him myself - there are a couple events in June that I am taking part in and before all this happened he was very keen to come to both. So should I just invite him as if nothing has happened? Or would it be humiliation on my part?

Than you

by the middle of the second album .......

i bet he urgently had to return to the office lol

Leave it, you spent time together he didn't get what he wanted you didn't hear from him after that.

He isn't so much interested in you as a person he is only interested in fucking you nothing else.

Move on.

He doesn't sound like he's that into you. I think he sees you as a back-up plan and probably always has, if he seeing other women way back when at the same time as asking you to marry him. I think when you didn't jump into bed and showed him your art instead , that showed up what he was after.

I'd write him off, personally, and look for someone who doesn't blow hot and cold. Exes are exes for a reason.

Extricate yourself. You could have a fun, no-strings, FWB type of relationship with this guy IF YOU WERE EMOTIONALLY DETACHED. But you're not - this thing is hurting you already and, as you know really, it's only going to get worse.

It's tempting to guess about why he's unable to conduct the relationship you want, but that's irrelevant. He can't do it. He's proved it.

I'm sorry to hear your other LTR went wrong. Probably you're hoping for a replacement - and, if things had worked out with this man, you could have told yourself the other one broke down because you were really in love with him all along.

The truth is, though, he's not available for that. If you want to 'overwrite' your old relationship with something new, I'd recommend finding someone completely new for the purpose. It's a pity this guy's been stringing you along, basically, but there it is. You can do better. and you will :)

Awww hurts to see such a unanimous verdict...

I am not in a healthy place now emotionally, it's true, so i guess finding someone new won't necessarily do me any good unless i really win a lottery so to speak.

I still like him though, would be nice to spend time / travel together again, plus it's the comfort of the familiar.
It's not like he was stringing me alone or asking me to marry while seeing other people, I wasn't interested and we were not together, so could talk about his life as friends.

Knowing myself I will unfortunately probably still make the contact, that is i will sleep on it for a few days, of course, but maybe it would be best if he actually did say no I can't come where you're inviting me and I don't want a relationship..

Not too many people have the guts to say it, Konchita, and as you're feeling a bit fragile he might be unwilling to dash your hopes (I doubt that part, but let's give him the credit anyway.)

How about telling us what you want your next relationship to be like? It's good for your soul to do that ... and we'll then be able to see whether this chap fits your template

Yes I know, he won't tell the truth ) Still I think many people engage (and possibly don't realise it)in pseudo relationships not to be alone, or until someone better comes along or whatever other reason.

I personally now feel that I am alone in the whole world, it's a horrible feeling and I don't know when it will end. Other days I feel great and strong and want to do great things for the future and present.
Maybe it all depends on the day of the cycle )

I think my problem is coming from the fact that now I'm 31 and wasted my best years and don't have that much time left for having children, therefore some moments of panic it feels like I'll never meet and marry anyone just in time for so I begin to think that I might have to be a single mother at some point and I don't like those thoughts.

Firstly - you need to be calm and happy and love yourself before you can make good judgements about who will make a worthwhile partner for you or not. I know its cheesy - but its true.

Rather than think of wasted years, accept that you have learned some wise lessons - so that when you do settle down and have children (which you have plenty of time to do) you wont make a mistake and pick someone who will make you unhappy.

Read through the relationship section here to see how many people end up older, with kids and deeply unhappy. You have a chance to actually get it right, which is far better than hurtling into a relationship and regretting it years down the line.

Your are alone, but dont be afraid of that. Get out there, have adventures and make new friends. the right man will turn up.

By the way - you need to also be clear that you made the right decision not having sex with this man. Imagine how shit you would have felt afterwards. He isnt interested in being with you - dont contact him again, seriously. All that will happen is you will feel crap again.

It sounds as though you are vulnerable at the moment - look after yourself and dont get into a panic about time running out. Its not and it's far better you get it right than spend years with the wrong person.

and I agree with garlic - this guy isn't going to spell it out for you. Most people don't want to have to say it - and he doesn't owe you the truth, you aren't in a relationship together. He will just avoid you and you will feel sad.