What mistakes do you hope to avoid with your DC?

[SpringFollows]

I had ostensibly a happy upbringing. Loving parents. Yet, I find myself, with my DS, hoping that he does not come o resent me/ feel such an obligation with me that I do with my own parents. DH and i talk alot about the 'mistakes' our parents made... bearing in mind that they did the best they could at the time and do genuinely I think love us.... and how we hope to be different.

DH- his parents were very remote, and he quite literally cannot recall them ever hugging him or any other outward displays of affection. He is quite needy as a result, and also quite doubting of friends. He wants our DS to know he is loved, but at the same time, is almost frightened of loving him, IYSWIM.

Me- parents had a fairly unhappy marriage, stayed together because of us. Mother has had serious depression issues and additictive issues, and resents us I think. She views me as an extension of her own ego. I fled as soon as I could. I feel guilty, manipulated, by her. i feel like I walk on eggshells around her. i have major eating/binging self esteem problems. I want my DS to know i love him unconditionally, but I do not want him to feel beholden or smothered by me.

And i want him to have sporting hobbies. :)

what do YOU - major or 'frivolous' - hope to do differently for your children?

Two of mine are adult now so I'm past the point where I can change things - but the one thing I tried very hard to avoid was the expectation of high academic achievement I felt I had from my own parents (they met at Oxford - my mother there on a full scholarship etc. They both took academia very seriously). I always told DS1 and DD about all their options - you can leave school at 16 if you want, etc - whereas I grew up with the expectation that I would go to a good Uni (and I did, but I sort of see it now as wasted years).

And when I split with Ex-H, I made damned sure that I wasn't going to inflict on my DCs the experience I had when my parents split - which resulted in a long period of barely seeing my father, ending only some time after my mother died (when I was 16).

But no parent is perfect - doubtless my DCs will have their own lists of mistakes I made which they want to avoid :o.

Hi Hassled thanks for responding. Yes, i know I will make mistakes..... sometimes I read AIBU (partic about MILs) and think that i might just be looking at my future! [dread and horror emoticon]

By the way (side note) did you ever find out how your elderly neighbours were? Was that you? (Several months ago). When they kind of disappeared?

i was quite worried about that. Were they okay?

Hi Springfollows

I had a very unhappy upbringing. Mum and dad stayed together for us (or rather my mum put up IFKWIM)! My dad was an alcoholic who was not very nice when he was drunk, fighting, shouting etc so subsequently my mum was very depressed! I myself have self esteem issues, no confidence, suffer with depression I think as a product of my parents I learned everything from them.

I have now had counselling and am on medication which has stabilised me but I am worried that any of this has affected my children. My eldest one doesnt have much confidence in herself shes 10 though no sign of feeling down or anything like that.

I agree with Hassled though none of us are perfect and you can only try your best. I believe as long as we teach our children right from wrong thats a start!

X

Thanks laura. Yes, right from wrong. And also, I believe that unconditional love (not the same thing as spoiling, or letting them get away with things!) is also a major component.

I struggle with depression too, and just not feeling quite up to the mark. I would hate that for my son.

Thank you also for responding. I found that having my son caused an earthquake in my emotional life- because i thought i was okay and sorted and then realised that i was not. I want better for him, at every level.

I hope to make my son feel loved, valued and secure. I had a similar upbringing to yours, laura, and hope to do things completely differently - pretty much the opposite of everything my own parents did!

My DH and I talk about this quite a bit. We feel that as long as we mess up our kids in a different way to our parents then we've done pretty well. I think it's the best anyone can hope for! Obviously we'll try not to mess them up, but avoiding the mistakes our parents made is important to both of us.

Me - my Mum did lots of "my house, my rules" type things. It meant that I didn't feel comfortable in their house and left as soon as I could. My Mum also did the "I will always love you but often I don't like you very much". Never underestimate how dreadful that can make you feel - especially when it is written down. After arguments my Mum would write me a letter explaining how she felt about me. I will NEVER inflict that on my children. Luckily I do get on with my Mum now but it has only been since we didn't live together.

DH - His parents gave up everything for the children and only did things for the children. Their whole lives revolved around their children. The trouble is that as the children grew up they didn't need this all the time and it became stifling. And now, when both children are grown up and moved out, the parents have nothing left. It is very sad to see two retired people who have nothing to do apart from go round the shops or watch tv.

There are other things but those are the main ones.

(Spring - you have a very good memory!. Mad elderly neighbours are both still alive and are still the bane of my life - there have been subsequent hideous episodes and I'm round there a lot for one reason or another. I'm on first name terms with their Drs' receptionist at this stage :o. Thanks for asking)

YOu say you want your child to have sporting hobbies, what happens if he is more academic than sporting which my two are?

I allowed mine the freedom to decide what they wanted to do with regards hobbies/outside activities, whatever they chose I encouraged but I did not force anything on them.

Let them know they are loved, and praise them, and always say please and thank you to them when you ask them to do things or they do something for you.

Never push your beliefs on them let them make up their own minds.

I will be very happy if I become anything like my own mother with my children, she's still a fantastic mother now I'm expecting my own child. She never said anything negative about my father, despite how he treated her (discovered via other people and on my own), she drove 4hours every weekend so that we could have a relationship with our father. She always put us first.

However, as with everyone, there are the odd little things:

-Something a little petty but if I had to wait to a certain age to get something E.g a later bed time, I felt that my younger brother should also have waited to that age rather than having it because I did - petty I know, but this is a gripe of most of the 'older children' that I know now.

-Treating siblings fairly does not necessarily mean treating them the same, especially when they have very different personalities.

DH also had a happy childhood, but looking back we think he could have done with more pushing encouragement with regards to school work.

too late, I have made them all

Good to hear all is fine Hassled. They are lucky to have you around!

The sporting hobbies.... I never had any hobbies growing up, except for reading. Everything took second place to chores and household stuff. So i have no real interests now, nothing to be passionate about. That is what i meant really. :)

(AnyFucker- are you back??!!)