Do you ever feel like just walking out?

[LadyDerwent]

I really think I want out of this..
Married, two dc one of whom has severe sn, I have a history of recurrent depression and have'nt really been well since youngest was born eight years ago.
On medication which allows me to function, just.
Doc thinks my depression would be resolved if I was to put eldest dc into residential care or medicate him, neither are options I am willing to consider atm.
Referred to counceling by GP which was helpful but has now finished - 6 week 30 min sessions. Councellor recomended that I need more sessions but have to go back on the waiting list for this.
One of the main issues discussed in counseling was how unhappy I am in the relationship with my dh, I don't think he really respects me anymore, we have'nt had any major arguments recently but that is because I have got no energy to argue back or put my pov across.
Last time we did argue he called me a fat lazy cow amongst other stuff. He's not wrong on this btw. I am. Previous violence in the relationship but not in the last couple of years, lots of emotionl stuff though.
So atm we are muddling along, he is currently mad for fitness which does'nt really go with his lifestyle, smokes weed , drinks fairly heavily.
I am almost hoping he is having an affair, he'd have to leave then but I don't think he is , more a mid life crisis.
I want out, in fact I just want to walk but I really don't think I could cope on my own.
I have no one in rl that I can talk to about this and just feel so sad, I used to have a life, job and was happy. Now I am a weepy, depressed mess and don't know what to do.

Ahh Lady derwent you sound in a terrible situation, i am no councilor but i think maybe you should try and find a little time each week to do something purely for you, i think you need to forget about the issues with your DP for now and try and concentrate on getting yourself well and happier as you will be able to deal with the issues with him more effectively i think sometimes you need to be a bit selfish and just concentrate on your self for a while try getting out the house going for a long walk redaing a magazine or book in peace with a coffee and cake, have you tried private councelling?

Thanks ilikeshoes, private councelling is a no go - to expensive.
The problem is that this has been going on for years now, I have loads of time for me when the dc are at school but the black mist that clouds my life just stops me from enjoying it iykwim?
I just feel like walking and not coming back but could not do that to my kids.

Have you tried changing your medication? i had PND after the birth of my ds, but can honestly say by making time for myself, and excersice it has completely gone away now and i have been of medication for over 3 years. Things that worked for me were excercise, reading, and i started a college course. would you concider any of these things, i don't think there are fast instant fixes but i believe you can train your mind to cope better with things. And i would go back to your G.P and insist on the councelling being bought forward tell him/her exactly how you feel :)

Thank you so much ilike for responding again to my ramblings.
Currently taking a second line anti d, have been on numerous different types over the years.
I really agree with you about instant fixes and training your mind, it's just how to do it that's the problem for me, everything just seems so massive and unobtainable atm.

Just try to take things one day at a time, go buy yourself a funny novel, maybe bridget jones something really light hearted and easy to read that will just take your mind away from your problems and the way you feel for half an hour, take a bath with some essential oils, i also tried cammomile tea tastes poop but i think it helped a little, and i did buy a relaxation c'd. I promice you will learn to control the depression better just takes time.

Thank you again ilike, perhaps will go and buy a new book tomorrow.

Audio books are good for when your concentration is shot. Also good if on i=pod as can ignore annoying spouse at the same time.

Thank you Katie for your reply, have'nt got an ipod but do like sitting reading.
Any other suggestions please?

Hi- could you get CBT - better for depression than straight counselling in my view - worth asking your GP - and there are some good books also CBT for dummies for instance -
and sure you know this but exercise will make a huge difference - could you schedule in a couple of sesions a week in the day
and for me - cleaning/decluttering also helps
plus possibly something like voluntry work - or paid work?

Thanks crw, will have to ask GP, getting the councelling itself has been a bit of a battle.

I do think though that the depression is really not helped by the situation with dh, he is so very changable with his moods and I do feel like i'm walking on eggshells alot of the time.
That's the problem really the depression is never going to go away if I am living like this.
But then i'm pathetic and would not be able to cope on my own, but that's the depression speaking argggg.

Can you get respite care for your elder dc? Can you get caters to come and help you out at home? Worth asking social services/GP if you haven't already done so. Is there an appropriate support group you could join linked to your DC's condition? Mencap might be a good place to ask.

Your husband sounds horrible. Would you consider contacting Women's Aid?

I expect your situation feels insurmountable at the moment. If you take one step at a time things should improve gradually.

Thanks Lizzabadger, yes we get a good amount of respite for dc.
Women's Aid is only for violence is'nt it?
Thanks everyone, going to namechange back again now.

I took Antidepressants for five years and during that time I had a nervous breakdown, 18 months ago I was prescribed a new pill, within 3 months or less my depression went, I used to have more bad days than good, I used to cry at anything, and cry every single day, things that cropped up caused me no end of problems and they were only tiny.

I got better, you can too.

I can't remember the last time I felt depressed, I really can't but I still take the pills because with depression it can creep up on you and bite you on the arse again.

But I promise you if you get the right meds it does get better, my life is still shit, it hasn't change, I have the depression has gone and it makes life easier to deal with.

I had no counselling nothing, just me and my four walls, I still hve just the four walls but life is easier.

If you have been taking your pills for longer than six weeks and you feel no different they aren't working and aren't right for you get them changed.