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Original poster

Should i get involved when i know another woman is being cheated on?

26 replies

ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 10:45

My DP brother has been seing this lovely girl (although not officially dating due to his decision they are sleeping together and she has met the family) and i know that he is also seeing other woman although i havent met them, it makes me feel so awkward as i want to tell her as i would want to know if i was in that position but don't want to be classed as the stirring interfering type, as i get on with his family.This weekend we went away as a family and on the last day he invited this girl down to visit she drove 3 hours to visit him and i felt he was just using her as a dial a sh*g for want of a better way of putting it, he had seen other women a couple of days before!! what should i do?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 10:46

Mind your own business it is nothing to do with you.

Plumm · 03/05/2011 10:49

Does she know they aren't officially dating?

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 10:50

Would you not want to know if it was happening to you? As i have been cheated on more than once and after i found out that people new, i wish someone had told me, I am not the interfering type but i feel it has something to do with me as she is such a nice girl.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 10:54

Yes she does but she has said that she really likes him, it's really obvious when they are together she is besotted with him, but yea i suppose they are not officially a couple but she is obviously expecting them to be, If it was me i would want to know but perhaps some women would'nt i don't know i just feel so awkward she has invited me out for drinks she has met all the family i think he is taking her for a ride and i have spoke to him about it, but he cheated on his last girlfriend a few times,

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 03/05/2011 10:57

Is she knows about his decision, then it's her problem, surely?

I wouldn't bother speaking to her, but I might have a word with your DB. Does he realise how besotted he is with her? Men often don't realise things like this - he may think that because they are not officially a couple that she is quite happy with that.

Beyond that - sorry, but it's none of your business.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2011 10:57

I dunno, of course it isn't your business, but I think I'd have to drop some kind of a hint as it's horrible to see someone nice be taken for a ride. Sort of like, "I suppose as you're not officially dating you are allowed to see other people" and if she goes "oh no, we've agreed to be exclusive" just allow yourself to look startled but say nothing more.

Maybe she does know he sees other people and isn't particularly bothered, but it's not terribly likely.

BecauseImWorthIt · 03/05/2011 10:57

Sorry - how besotted she is with him Blush

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 11:00

BIWI yes i have spoke to him about how much she likes him he is a bit of a player and will openly admit it to me and his freinds,just not the girls he meets obviously, perhaps i best leave it then, i wish i did'nt know,

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/05/2011 11:01

It depends on whether this woman believes herself to be in an exclusive relationship. If they are not "dating" it rather suggests she knows that it's not exclusive and is perfectly happy with that arrangement. With any luck, she is also seeing other men and I'd hope she was. Is there a chance you are just assuming that they have both consented to a monogomous relationship?

If however it turns out that this man is telling her it's an exclusive relationship, but in practice, that rule doesn't apply to him - and you know for a fact that she is being deceived, having her health put at risk and being made a fool of, then of course it's your business in as much as having a responsibility to behave decently to a fellow human being.

Have you spoken to your DP's brother yourself about this? What does your partner think about this himself?

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 11:03

Annie that is actually a good idea, i know its none of my buisness just have this thing where i hate women being hurt by men as i know how terrible it makes you feel, but perhaps i should try the subtle way like you suggested, would that be classed as not interfering? :)

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2011 11:05

Well either that or you punch your BIL on the nose. Oh wait, that really would be interfering Grin

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 11:07

WWIFN,she knows they are not official but it was she wants and she is besoted with him it is obvious and whe have spoke about it she says she is just going to wait untill he asks her out i do not think she is seeing other people i do not get the impression that she is,if she did'nt so obviuosly like him and they were just going out for drinks i would not be interested or get involved but i know they are sleeping together and he is quite clearly just using her my DP thinks it's bad but well it's his brother and just accepts him the way he is,

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squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 11:12

I think she is probably fully aware she isnt the only one he is shagging. I just hope she is taking precautions and making him use a condom.

She is besotted and is hoping he will choose her.

She is being a mug really, but I doubt you saying anything will do much good.

purits · 03/05/2011 11:14

I like Annie's suggestion. It wouldn't be interfering - it would just be stating facts. DP's bro is not making any effort to hide the situation so you are not doing any wrong in mentioning it. You can feign innocence.

Look on the bright side - if he is annoyed by your 'interfering' then perhaps he will keep quiet around you in future and not drag you into his duplicity.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 11:18

Thankyou for all your advice think although none of my buisness as a woman i need to discretely mention it to her although i would love to punch him on the nose, to ease my concience then she can make her own decision.

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zikes · 03/05/2011 11:22

That she says she's waiting for him to ask her out suggests to me that she knows, and that she is knowingly letting him use her.

But giving her the heads up in case she is totally deluded might be the right thing to do anyway, so I think Annie's suggestion is good (not the nose-punching one Grin, although..)

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/05/2011 11:22

What you might be doing though is projecting your own morality and feelings about sex on to this couple. If she's happy to have sex with someone she's not even dating, then I'd say she might feel differently to you about sex and relationships. Now that you've posted more, I'd be inclined to follow Annie's advice and if you get into conversations with your friend about this relationship, operate from the innocent assumption that since they aren't even dating, they are both free to pursue relationships with others. If she tells you that she isn't interested in anyone else, you might want to explore with her how she would feel if her partner was seeing other people.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with either of them seeing others, or indeed deciding not to, as long as it's an informed choice.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/05/2011 11:24

Re. all the "using her" comments - it's also perfectly possible (and indeed probable) that she is enjoying the sex and doesn't feel "used" at all!

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 11:31

Why when you see her not say, how do you feel about having an open relationship? Do you see anybody else? Maybe you could broach it like that.

zikes · 03/05/2011 11:41

I dunno, Whenwill, if the relationship is her being besotted & him knowing that but not that being into her (but she'll do as a fuck-buddy), then I think it's fair to say using her. Lot of variables 'though.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 11:43

WWIFN i know i am projecting my own morality as if they were both aware that they could see each other people and were happy with that then that is up to them, but i do not think she is aware i do not get that impression, that is why asked for opinions on what would be the best thing to do, in this case i think i will try bringing up the subject subtly, no one wants to see another person hurt or being taken for a fool or used do they?

OP posts:
zikes · 03/05/2011 11:51

'not being that into her' argh, all order of out words Grin

BertieBasset · 03/05/2011 11:55

I think she is asking you out for drinks etc to get the family onside, because she does really like him and wants him to see her as fitting in iykwim?

What does your dp think about it? I would find it hard to socialise with someone who I thought was being duped. I'd feel very hypocritical so I can see why you are confused.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 03/05/2011 12:12

Bertie Basset it is very hard to socialise, my DP does not agree with it but it's his brother, if it was my brother i would tell him straight but a little awkward when it's your partner, i do not want the situation to cause tension between me and my partner, they are a very close family. And i agree that she is trying to get close to the family she drove from the midlands to devon to stay over one night when he asked her too!! he did not ask her to come for the entire weekend and when she got there he left her whilst he socialised with the other men!! it is so very awkward it isn not in my nature to just ignore things that are wrong and let them go over my head, what do you think of annies idea?

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BertieBasset · 03/05/2011 12:50

I have a face you can read like a book so I would find it difficult I think to just look surprised. I would definitely do something along those lines though.

Maybe ask how they came to an agreement of seeing each other but not dating, and then make subtle inferences from her reply. So if she says, it's because DP's bro doesn't want to feel tied down, you could say "yeah, it's good that you both have such a relaxed attitude to it all, I'm the sort of girl that has to be exclusive, much better to be chilled about these things"

But like a say that is because I couldn't trust myself not to give everything away if I were trying to convey feelings thorough a facial expression Smile I guess it is what works best for your personality. I do feel for you though - I would hate to be in that position.