What steps will I need to go through to forgive DH's one night stands?

[windsgonefrommysails]

I have recently discovered that DH had 2 one night stands before we were married. We have been together for 9 years, and both one night stands happened about 6 years ago, within a short timeframe of each other.

I have posted about the first ONS before, and had loads of great advice. As a lot of posters suspected, there did turn out to be more to the story as he confessed to the second ONS about a week later. I now believe that he's not hiding anything else from me. He has been very open about everything since the confession of the second one, has answered all my questions and hasn't tried to blame me in any way. He has also been very remorseful and I believe that he is truely sorry and ashamed of himself, and that he loves me. He arranged counselling for us the day after I found out about the first ONS.

We both want our relationship to work, and we have really been communicating well about how we feel. Since these one night stands we have had many happy times, and have got engaged, married and had 2 DDs. I want to keep my family together more than anything, and also I can't imagine life without DH.

However, I'm not reallly sure what to expect over the next few months. Has anyone else been through something similar and survived? How do we regain the trust in our relationship and how can he prove to me that it would never happen again? He has asked me what he needs to do, but I can't answer him. I am hopeful that our relationship will be stronger by the end of all this. We are already opening up to each other more than we ever have before about our hopes, fears, insecurities etc. I think basically I just reassurance that we can get through this and some advice on what we need to do

I am sure you can get through this, as it was so long ago, and your lives (and relationship) have changed and progressed so much since then.

Perhaps at the time of these incidents he was going through a bit of self doubt about the relationship and simply testing whether the grass is greener theory, and it made him realise that you were the one he wanted to be with.

At the time when he did this, he had no real commitments to you, no marriage, no children, and if he has since gone on to marry you, have a family with you, and you are all happy in this marriage, and you have no reason to doubt that it has not happened again since then, I really wouldnt keep dwelling on something that happened so far back.

What I would question is what made him confess to it, when he could have got away without you ever knowing.

I think you'd get more helpful responses if you added to your previous thread, which was still getting responses last week.

I'm afraid I think there's more to come out still. His earlier defence of being drunk and unthinking, has unravelled with this latest revelation. Is he saying he used a condom with this one too?

Given how you came to discover this in the first place and how he hung onto the secret until there was no place to go, I think lying is a big problem for your H. Even after you went through turmoil after the first revelation, it has turned out that he was still holding more secrets.

Perhaps you started a new thread because you thought if posters didn't see the back story, they might take squeakytoy's line that it was a long time ago? I can understand if that's what you want to read, but it isn't necessarily what you need to read.

I'm afraid I think that given how this was discovered, it's now highly unlikely that your H's last encounter with someone else was 6 years ago. Sorry .

I remember your first thread.

There were issues about him having given you an STD weren't there?

I'm not sure I could forgive at all so maybe not the best person to ask for advice (not necessarily proud of that btw). But - it strikes me that maybe some of the answers you could ferret out for yourself, rather than taking your cue from him.

If you know when the infidelities happened, you will hopefully have a good idea of what state YOU thought your relationship was in then. squeaky mentions his possible self-doubt - do YOU think that's a reasonable explanation? If you can hold your hand up and say yes, we were in a very very different place then - maybe that will make it easier. If on the contrary you thought things were strong and happy, that might give you more insight into how much emotional truth you are really getting from him now - and how much you think it's worth putting your trust back in him.

There's also the issue of confession. If I remember correctly, this only came out as his hand was forced re. your STD. What do you really think of that? I remember your last thread and as you say, it just didn't add up - and there was more to the story. You said then that you believed you had the whole truth - you say the same now - what's different about his second 'confession of all'? (Sorry if that sounds harsh - but your question is how he can prove to you that he can be trusted - the truth is he CAN'T - so you are going to have to satisfy yourself on that score, and these are the issues I think you need to shine the spotlight on). How well can you read him, really? Why do you think that now you have the full truth?

Lastly you say he's been asking you what he has to do. Okaayyyy - he chooses to enter this territory, fucks everything up, then comes wide-eyed to you asking what he has to do now to get back to the good places? I don't think so. Don't spare him here - if you do I think it will make you feel even more resentful than you probably do. Be honest with him - you don't know, he's created a monster here - maybe it can be beaten, maybe it can't. Why shouldn't he start to feel a bit of the hideous uncertainty, the lurching stomach that he's provided for you? Don't take the slightest bit of responsibility for the fact that it all feels shit. Yes it is shit. No you don't know what he needs to do, unfortunately. He's just going to have to put up with feeling shit and fearful while things work themselves through. His reaction to this will tell you LOTS I think. If he sucks it up, it is maybe a good barometer of his true character and ability to take responsibility for his actions (and thus to be trustworthy again). If after a while he starts getting whiny and irritated that you aren't 'prepared to move on' because 'what more can I do' ...then I think that's a sure sign that at some level, he is still a house built on sand.

Best of luck x

Just to clarify - meant the truth is he can't prove to you he can be trusted, not that he can't be trusted - if you see what I mean!

If the STD thing is true just been scrolling

Its unforgivable in my view, what if it had been HIV, AIDS he'd be liable for manslaughter but you'd have a death sentence I know i'm being very grim here but it needs to be said. Everytime he has done this he has put your life at risk bring it back home to you, why do you feel you need to forgive him?

he should be begging for forgiveness tbh and even thats more time than you should give him, but you have to make your own mind up.

I remember your other post. He said he couldn't tell you why it had happened - there wasn't a reason, it was just a one off drunken episode he was deeply ashamed of. I think what will be difficult to deal with here is that he is not prepared to open up about why he behaved like this.

A ONS is not the same as repeated infidelity - that is the behaviour of a man looking for sex. He must have gone pretty much out of his way to have had two casual encounters like that. So he has been putting you through a lot of unneccesary agony by continuing to claim that it didnt happen for any reason at all.

I know you love him and want it to work - but why would he shut down like this? YOu can't move on if he won't open up - he must have been incredibly detached from you and the relationship to behave like this. So he needs to face up to that - and talk deeply about what happened after that which changed his level of commitment.

I think shoutyhamster is spot on.

Also - I think the steps that will have to be got through are surely from him? I agree its feeble for him to say - what do I need to do - for starters, he isn't being honest about what happened still.

Yes, people can come back from situations like this - but this seems to show a man who totally disregarded his relationship with you and went out of his way to betray you. If he can't be honest about that - how can you move forward?

I remember you

he has lied and lied and not come clean until forced into a corner

the STD story never did add up, did it

he is still lying to you... the crocodile tears and promises to attend counselling mean nothing to me

I don't think you should be forcing yourself to forgive anything tbh

it sounds very much like you want us to convince you to move on

nope, never gonna happen, sorry

I think you should trust your instincts which appear to be holding you back from forgiveness (with good reason, IMO)

Oh your the one who found out she had an STD from years back. Many didn't think the story rung true and it was probably a lot more recent?

So you've gone probing him and this is the new "truth" to placate those doubts.

I can't answer your op, as I dont think you know the half of it and he's still taking you for a mug. Despite risking your health, fertility and life.

I agree with BNE, its way too early to move on and you need to get angry before you can think about it. He married you and had DC's with you all the while knowing he had cheated. He should have confessed before the wedding and given you an informed choice. I don't know anything about the STD but it sounds absolutely appalling.

Ah I'd forgotten the part about it being a one-off drunken thing, he can't even remember it, blah.

That was his big 'justification', for want of a better word... his 'truth' on the matter.

Well that has turned out to be one big fat deliberate LIE. As others have said, that one only holds water for one ONS - doesn't work for two. Has he realised that? What is his big 'truth' now?

This is a really key point - you may well have got the truth about his number of encounters (fwiw I don't believe that, but still...) but you sure as hell haven't been told the real reason(s). If he is still playing the confused, drunken, it was all a terrible mistake thing then you are being taken for a fool.

So when he asks you next 'what do I need to do', maybe you should just say, stop lying to me for a start - and present him with the above.

The awful thing is that I suspect (from a man who has had at least two one night stands whilst in the same long-term relationship) that the true answer to the question might be 'Because I am not the man you thought I was - I am a cheat at heart who thought that I could get away with it.'

he has got away with it

this poor woman is now trying to find ways to turn off her instincts and get her common sense to STFU

good result (for him)

what a golden cock he must have

seems I only replied to half a story :(

Sadly true AF.

I meant get away with it as in 'she'd never find out' - until the old STD left its mucky pawprints on show - but you are right...

OP you say you are asking for 'reassurance that you'll get through it' - are you saying that you are determined to put this behind you, utterly determined that you will not split up? Because if you think that and he knows that, then I think this might be a dead end, right now. It puts you in a very weak position. I don't think you have even half the story. I would be interested to know what his new set of excuses/reasons for the ONSs are. Why you think you have the full story now. Whether you truly in your heart believe the timescale - if you do, I am sure that it will be because you KNOW deep down that that was a blip point for you both - if it wasn't, then the chances really are high that these weren't isolated incidents.

I am so sorry that you're going through this, your world must be on its head right now.

You want to get through this because you want to be able to pretend it never happened and can go back to being happy. But burying your head in the sand will not make it go away. Your relationship is not what you thought it was. You need to break it right down and rebuild from scratch but you can't do that whilst he's still lying and you're in denial.
I feel very sad for you but I'm afraid we can't tell you what you want to hear.

I didn't read the original thread,but they do test for STIs when you're pregnant, so if nothing showed up then, sounds like he gave you the STI after the children not before. Sorry, I know it's horrible

thank you for your replies. I really appreciate them even though I haven't heard much of what I want to hear. You have made some very good points which I think I need time to absorb.

There are many more details that I think would shed more light on the situation, but I am already worried that I have shared too much and that I might be outed in RL. I am going to think about how much I can share here as I don't want to say too much, but at the same time it is hard for you to give relevent advise without knowing all the facts.

However, he is definitely prepared to open up. He has told me that he is terrified that he may find out that he is not the man he thought he was or that he wants to be, but if that is what he needs to do to save our relationship then he will do it. He has opened up to me about a whole range of things that we have never discussed before. Our phschologist thinks that his lies to me are linked to his past, as he had some terrible things happen to him as a child that he feels ashamed of and embarrassed about. Both his brothers have had long term therapy to help them deal with what happened, but DH chose to block out what had happened completely, in the same way he has dealt with his infidelties now.

He knew both women involved, though not very well and he allowed himself to get in a situation where he was alone with them at their houses. The reasons he was there are plausible but obviously I want to explore these with him. He says he had no idea that sex was on the agenda, but that he responed to their advances once he was there. Obviously we need to talk about this too. If he is lying to me I think he is lying to himself as well.

I started a new thread because while I got a lot out of the old one, a lot of emphasis was placed on the STD and how plausible it is that I could have had it for long. I have had medical advice that this is possible and that's not really what I want to focus on now.

I think you are right that I need to allow myself to be angry, and not rush this process. I am terrified that things might not work out. Apart from my feelings towards DH, I have a 2yo and a 3mo DD and I don't think I could cope with them oy own

well, if you want to protect your identity do be careful of course, don't share anything on here you don't want to. It sounds as though there may well be emotional damage - perhaps he was in self destruct mode. Only you know him, people here can offer thoughts on normal patterns - and I do think there is a wisdom sometimes from people who are not involved - which is where the internet can be useful.

All I will say is that you need to keep questioning the honesty of his answers.

It seems unlikely to me that two women would, out of nowhere, proffer sex to him out of the blue. Sex doesn't just happen, there are steps leading up to it. He says he may 'find out' he is not the man he thought he was. But he was aware previously that he had cheated on you more than once. In what way did he allow himself to file this away as acceptable but regrettable?

He also told you that he forgot about it because it was such a huge mistake - ie. he buried it. But he didn't - because shortly after doing it, he did it again.

SO there have been some huge lies here about his motives and what was going on in his head at the time.

Of course your relationship might be saved - you dont need to think about ending it right now if that's not what you want to face. But I do think you need to look at how much he is still being dishonest.

I would also remain cautious about whether he has fully disclosed what happened ie. how many times this has happened.

DOing this twice indicates a pattern of behaviour and mindset that suggests it might have happened again.

I agree with the advice given so far.

It's good that you've been able to talk it through but I would be wary of letting it become all about him and his feelings IYSWIM. From reading your last post it sounds as though he's angling for the sympathy vote here with reminders of what his childhood was like and about how terrible he feels about himself.

I worry that you might be tempted to put your own feelings on the back-burner while his get top billing.