did you give your marriage a second chance?did it work

[year2011]

why did you break up and what made you give it another go?i dont know if i shd,please any advice welcome.

I don't think you'll get any answers unless you give more details. Abuse? Infidelity? Lying about stuff? Bored of him?

thanks seachange.is abuse

Yes, emotional abuse was the reason, combined with too much drinking. (Him on both counts, not me). I warned him to change, he didnt, I left.

We were apart for 4 months.

We got back together. That was 6 years ago and we are happier now than we ever were before.

Me leaving was something he didnt expect. He had a breakdown after I left, which I felt bad about, but if I hadnt left, he wouldnt have got that low and he wouldnt have sought the help he needed. There were genuine reasons behind his behaviour, and he was terrible for bottling things up rather than talking. He got very good counselling while we were apart, and I have never regretted giving him a second chance.

thanks a lot hes had a breakdown everything is going wrong for him which has made him realised his mistakes.

I think it's important that he gets help if it's been abusive, I don't think it's enough for him to have a lightbulb moment but that he does something positive & constructive to make sure he doesn't fall back into old habits, if you do give it another chance. You have to be sure he's taking on responsibility and not putting it on you.

It was lots of little things really. Some of them sound silly now, but at the time he knew it hurt me yet he still did it.

Rarely told me he loved me. Never had anything nice to say to me. Would storm off upstairs if I tried to say anything that he disagreed with. He avoided any type of confrontation.

He would flirt with my mates but never with me.

I used to have bad panic attacks, and he was never sympathetic or helpful.

If I drove down a certain road he would have a go at me.

The main thing was that I knew there had to be a reason for his behaviour, but when I tried to talk to him, he would just clam up, or get pissed.

In the end I just gave up trying and left.

I am originally from another part of the UK and was about to move back up there, (had been staying at a friends flat while we were apart), and I rang him to let him know, as we had not made any inroads into divorce and there was still stuff of mine at the house. We talked, or to be more accurate HE talked. All the reasons behind his behaviour came out and it all made sense finally.

I cant say this would work for everyone, as deep down my husband isnt a nasty abusive bloke, it was all out of fear and due to a couple of very bad things that had happened in his life, and had caused him to be paranoid and superstitious and the counselling got to the root of that too.

He is now a different person.. he still has his moments, but I can say to him now "oi!! behave..." and he will instantly apologise and is genuinely sorry.

Yes, We were separated for 18 months and both had new partners in that time! I had counselling while we were seperated which really helped too. I had private counselling which was excellent. He had seperate Relate counselling which didnt help at all.

Its taken a while to let the water pass under the bridge but a year on we have finally gotten there. I have also learnt not to throw stuff at him if we argue but overall it taught me to grow up a lot and communicate better.

As time goes by it gets easier -especially if you both do as you say as words are meaningless at the end of the day!

My Dh isnt a nasty or abusive man but definately went off the rails at the birth of our 2nd DC. A lot of really bad stuff happened in a short space of time but we are now over it now and re-building.

Other peoples opinions are possibly the hardest to handle. We just do our thing and I dont let them sway me anymore. Actions speak louder than words afterall and we are both happier than we could have ever imagined. It was probably harder to get back together than start new lives with none of the baggage!

Good luck. Keep your thoughts positive and stay focused on the journey ahead!

mmmwine,abuse infront of kids,friends and family treated me like dirt and made his family hates me.
Zikes ive told him to get help even if we dnt get back together as im gettn counsln which he has agreed to.
thanks a lot for your lovely stories jinxediam and squeakytoy a lot of people will say it will be stupid for me to give him another chance for what hes put me but is not that easy.

It's good that he's agreed to get help, but make sure it's not just words.

Yes.

A very long and complex story, with mammoth problems for both of us. Plus the truly evil manipulations, triangulating lies from my mother, caused us to separate for most of last year. We got back together in the autumn.

I had therapy, and he is still seeing his excellent counsellor.

There are still things that are problematic, but now we know where our problems come from, and can deal with them, and take responsibilty for our own stuff, as well as have the humility to communicate honestly about those things, it's getting easier. There are fewer setbacks as the months go on.

I still get quite badly triggered and suffer cptsd flashbacks from my hideous childhood. His childhood is now not the secret it was, and it makes a lot of stuff very clear. His childhood was pretty horrific too. Probably why we ended up together....people pick this stuff up subconciously.

It's been very hard, but my absolute insistence on him getting therapy was the line in the sand. No therapy, no marriage.

Yes and no. Was worse separating the second time and a mistake to try again.

I left my husband for verbal emotional and physical abuse coupled with drug and alcohol adiction. That was in August 2007. we were apatr for 6 months He swore he had changed and I gareed to give him another chance. He had not changed, because in the end he didnt really wnat to. We are now divorced and I am SO SO much happier.

I dont excatly regret giving him a second (well actually about 50th) chance, as we have 3 dcs, and as you can see, it does sometimes work. But I do regret letting it drag on for 2.5 years when it was actually clear with in 6 months that there was no hope. The last two years of the marriage were emotionally, spiritually and phyically dead. And hell to live through for us all.

would I do it again. No way.

yes. I left dh last year for 5 months due to emotional abuse mainly caused by his long term unemployment.
It gave us both the breathing space we desperately needed and things are better now-although the problems still remain, we are able to talk more now, and he knows I won't take any crap from him anymore. I've also learnt to talk (shout) less and listen more. It isn't easy, but it's definately better than it was before we split.

thanks a lot thisishowifeel,gottachangethename1.sorry lemonstartree & freeandhappy at least you tried your best to make it wrk, hes promised a lot of things but as you said it may or may not wrk am just confused and i feel sorry for the kids.

Year2011 - my DH who i was/am madly in love with has swung between being a loving, caring, husband and dad to attacking me verbally when he cant cope with stress.

He has now gone completely off the rails, had an affair with a friend, been smoking dope, drinking you name it and despite it all, despite destroying me and breaking my heart, still attacks me over things that are nothing to do with me.

if you are considering letting him stay, make it on the proviso that he looks into the core of these problems. My dh is seeing a counsellor and gp and i dont know what will come of it, but my feeling is that if i ever put that wedding ring back on and go back into a marriage with him, it will be because he has dealt with the root cause of the problem.

Put another way, if he promised with the best of intentions not to do it again, does that mean hes able to or equipped with the skills not to? probably not til he gets help.

good luck x

thanks Washappy he says he will get the help and ive made it clear to him that i will take the next step after, otherwise we still remain seperated ,i will never let him in until hes gt the help thats for certain.

why shd i bother he is not ready for counselling as hes gt other things to do,he said.

I don't think you should bother then. If he was serious about changing, stopping the abuse and wanting to make it work, he would show that by his actions. If he's that dismissive that he's "got other things to do", he evidently has no intention of following through on his promises.

At least he's made that clear before you tried again. I'd take that as an ending.

thanks a lot zikes i think if the family is important to him he will do anything sooner than later,he may never change

yes, but i had rules. it made me grow up in a - you've broken my rose tinted glasses you cunt - kind of way. the shine had gone and he 'spoiled' everything with one shitty action.

anyway i ended up in a womens shelter with 2 of the three kids, my oldest was at that time 16 and wasn't allowed to come with me - which truly killed me and did influence my decision. that and money. so with the love gone i returned on practical decisions. WITH conditions. relationship councelling and anger management counselling - and he had to take the initiative and make them happen. the third condition was to do with time on the computer which was a calatyst in the argument which led up to the incident. any way it is years later and things did change.

i am always a bit reluctant to be an advocate for doing this becuase i do think that i am the exception rather than the rule

thanks custardo i realy want it to wrk but he is selfish he is nt putn the family frst.

"this is who i am, i cant change for you"ok then i guess i just have to forget and move on at least i tried.