very sad about my parents rel'ship, find myself pulling away from them, advice (LONG)?

[ReginaPhilangee]

Several weeks ago my DM called to tell me she wanted to leave my DF, it was no shock to me as they have had an uneasy rel'ship for years, both unhappy in different ways, and both a bit too stuck in their own ways to find their way back to being loving partners again.

They have made big changes in their lives recently and I'd hoped that this would bring them closer together but my DM said she jsut felt she'd tried everything and that she jsut didn't have any more to give.

She was very calm and did not cry etc. didn't ask me any questions, just seemed like a big release for her to tell me. She was incredibly ashamed to be considering it as she is embarrassed to have "failed" in her marriage.

When I was very young she would often vent her frustrations about my DF to me, inappropriate but whatever, it's all in the past now. Of course this means that I have spent many years seeing my dad's flaws and probably judging him.

I am now feeling so very, very sad about my rel'ship with both of them. I feel so disappointed in my mother, that she has not sought to extract herself from a marriage that didn't make her happy, and that my dad who has millions of issues is too stubborn to have ever sought counselling which might have made him a kinder, warmer person. His occasionally cruel comments to my mother, and one occasion last year, to me, are always on my mind and even when he is pleasant to me I feel almost no love towards him.

My mother seems depressed and also very needy, she is not an easy character but when I was young I idolised her and I was always so proud that she was this incredibly warm, giving, joyous person who was a ray of sunshine in so many people's lives. Now I rarely see those qualities and I just feel that she should have changed her life earlier, and how I am I supposed to feel sympathetic when she's had all these frustrations about her marriage for years and years?

Since that call with my DM she has rung me back to apologise for speaking with me about it, she realises that I wasn't the right person to turn to altho I understand why, we are extremely close, and she is now speaking with another family member for support. She says she is "trying " but I have no idea whether she wants to stay with my DF or if she's waiting for a reason to leave. I am also still concerned that she is clinically depressed, tho she is a hypochondriac so I haven't mentioned to her.

Just feeling so distanced from them both. It's like the marriage has dragged on for so long and I'm just tired of them both being unhappy. I want them to grow up and get on with finding their own happiness and let me get on with my life too.

Am posting to get this off my chest I guess. It's a lot of sadness and worry to carry about and I am now mistrusting of my parents' smiles and my DM's reassurances that all is well. Cannot decide whether to try and get some counselling to talk things thru, or to tell my DM how I'm feeling, or to talk to them both together...

Anyone been thru late break up of their parents marriage?

bump

Um, your mum phones to tell you she is finally leaving your father - clearly a decision she is struggling with and has taken many unhappy years to come to, and one you have probably tacitly encouraged her to take. And what do you do? Do you support her? No, somehow it seems to be all about you and the mistrust you feel and the burden you are carrying.

Im sorry if I've misunderstood but if you are that close to your mum you should be supporting her, not leaving her apologising to you for burdening her with her troubles.

I think you need to talk to your mum again. I do feel incredibly sorry for her.

My MIL was in a very controlled marriage for over 45 years. It only ended when he died, and nobody really knew the extent of the emotional abuse he put her through, and very few still do know. She has confided a lot in me about how he treated her mainly behind closed doors. On the surface she was a happy confident lady, with a great life and a loving husband. That was quite far from the truth. My FIL took his own life, (he had manic depression), and she has told me, after the initial shock, she actually felt relief and that she had a chance to live life as she wanted to now. THey had been married since she was 17.

Many couples over a certain age do feel that to divorce is too much of an upheaval, or would bring shame on the family, so stay trapped in loveless or abusive marriages. Your mum is probably hoping that as the adult she is closest to, she can confide in you, but struggles with the conflict because you are also her husbands daughter too.

SHe is possibly looking for your support and encouragement to tell her that if she leaves, she neednt be scared, (and it must be bloody scary after being in a marriage for so long) to go it alone.

Have you not read the threads on Relationships and understood how these women have struggled to leave their husbands?

I agree with oldenough; you should be thinking of her now and not about yourself. You know she should have left earlier, but leave that to one side and help her to leave now.

I wish you would tell her to come on here - she'd get a lot of good advice, though I can see you wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

One thing you could do is to write a thread as though you are her (you don't have to post it.) Say what you think she'd say. It would probably be upsetting, but it would give you some insight as to how you should deal with her.

Sorry prob wasn't clear, she hasn't actually left him, appears to be trying to make things work and I said to her quite clearly on phone that I cd not and wd not take sides, that she needed to get legal advice and find someone else objective she cd talk to. Am really just struggling because we haven't discussed it since as I think she's feeling bad about using me as her counsel, which means I'm constantly worried about her but also want her to make a decision by herself that she feels is right, not influenced by anyone.

I don't feel it's right for us to discuss her marriage and what she should do because it makes it v hard to have balanced feeling towards my DF, there is no right or supportive thing to say.

Yr probably right that I have "tacitly encouraged" her to leave DF, but since being married myself I have realised what a private and complex thing a marriage is and I just don't feel it's right for me to comment any more. When I was younger I did used to ask why she put up with things etc but I now try to pass as little comment as possible because really, they are both grown ups and they should be able to figure things out between each other or part company.

I completely understand how terrifying it would be for my DM to leave DF, but I am still her DD and I am not part of the marriage!!! Does that make sense? I really want both my parents to be a bit happier and to go and find some kind of fulfilment. My DF tho not perfect is not the villain in this scenario, they are 2 difficult and stubborn people. So I am also worried for my DF who is already a seemingly isolated and lonely man; without the connections and the effort my DM makes I think he would actually become a hermit. I am just much much closer to my DM so she is uppermost in my thoughts.

Squeaky, tks for your post, I think there are lots of older couples that aren't that happy and they don't know what to do about it. I feel my DM spends a lot of time talking about all the things she would like to do and about her disappointments but is just plodding on and accepting them and that's what I find frustrating, to have listened to these complaints for XX years and yet she's still with him, my DF has shared similar grumbles but also does nothing to change or even try to improve things so their married life would be easier. Why do they place so little value on their own happiness when happiness is all we have of value when we get to the end of life??

Squeaky, do you honestly think that if I love both my parents I should encourage one to leave the other and risk destroying my rel'ship with my DF in the process? because sooner or later he'd surely realise that I had talked to her about it or given her advice and he would be incredibly hurt???

Regina, are you me????

I spotted so many similarities between your post and my relationship with my parents. My sister and I have been my Mum's sounding boards since we were about 11 and 12 respectively. We have had to listen to endless comments about what a bastard my Dad is, their marriage is utterly miserable, they don't seem to bring any happiness or comfort to each other. It is ENORMOUSLY frustrating to have to listen to this so I sympathise fully. I'm really glad that you say she is now speaking to another family member, as this is likely to be a more appropriate person to speak to than you, who is so close to the situation (not suggesting for a minute that you're not a good listener ).

You're so right in saying that you are your parents DD, and as such, not a part of their marriage relationship in that way. I'm struggling very hard to extricate myself from feeling like a third person in their marriage. You mentioned counselling - I have been seeing a psychotherapist for about a year and it is changing my life, all for the better. If you're interested in counselling, I would highly recommend it - you can withdraw at any time if it doesn't suit you. You sound like a really lovely person and good for you for keeping what seems to me to be a healthy distance from a difficult situation.

Finally, it never ceases to amaze me how people feel compelled to make harsh, judgemental comments on what is obviously a sensitive and well-thought out post. That means you, oldenoughtowearpurple

Hi Josie, thanks so much for posting. Well done on getting some therapy, I am a bit exhausted by the thought of talking it all out but I suspect it would do some good.

I was hoping to hear from people whose dPs had actually split and how they coped, but I guess as I'm learning, the actual split doesn't happen very often, even if it's needed.

think I'm struggling between wanting to talk to my DM and as you say, keeping a healthy distance, it's hard to know what is best. Has yr therapist encouraged any discussion of issues with yr mother?

off to bed but will check back tmw. tks for all posts, just a relief to talk about this if nothing else.

Regina, therapy is an odd experience at first, in that you will be totallly 100% in control of what gets discussed and when. It's oddly unsettling at first to have someone listen to you so completely and without judgement. When you get used to it, it's absolutely wonderful. I'm very good at spoiling myself but weekly therapy sessions feel like the very best thing I do for myself.

My therapist very very rarely makes suggestions. She has asked on occasion if I felt I could talk to my mum about X, and i have always said no, as any attempt to discuss anything difficult with my mum leads to her going straight into defence/martyr mode. This usually leads to me comtemplating killing myself for having the temerity to bring it up, so usuallly best avoided I find! Your situation doesn't sound so awful in this way but only you can decide whether discussions would be a good idea. Only do it if you feel it would be productive for you.

My DPs should have split years ago but are Irish and devout Catholics and have stayed together for the kids/coz of the shame/coz it's too scary etc. I understand all of this up to a point, but it gets extremely wearing, especially when treated like an unpaid and untrained marriage counsellor. You sound quite intent on making sure that you hold onto your own sanity through all of this - well done, it's taken me years and years to realise how important it is not to lose yourself while supporting someone else!

His occasionally cruel comments to my mother, and one occasion last year, to me, are always on my mind and even when he is pleasant to me I feel almost no love towards him.

I think its a very difficult situation to be in the middle of, but if, as you say, you have no love for your father, then how must your mum feel as she has probably got the same feelings herself if not worse. I think, as a daughter, you should be more supportive of your mother in all honesty.

Regina your post has been very helpful to me as a mum of two girls of 20 and 18 who left their dad last year. I take on board that I need to stay as a parent to them and not use them to support me or to confide in. My frustrations with their dad are not to be shared because it compromises them. I will use my own friends as sounding boards and not burden them with my thoughts. Thank you it is helpful to see it from the other side.
I wish you well and hope you can stay a devoted daughter to both of them. Your dad will need you too.

little, sorry to hear that you have been thru a split like this, must have been incredibly difficult. Glad that reading my rather copious posts have shed some light on the other side.