courage to leave DH, I am going round in circles.

[cornishgirl1]

Hi, I have posted on this before some of you might remember me.

I have been thinking of leaving my DH for about 2+ years now. Have in the past suffered emotional pain and some emotional abuse, both verbal and slight physical.

I am 3 young DS's. Since me wanting to leave and expressing this he is trying to change. But i am angry and resentful towards him now. I cannot forget or forgive the things he has said and done.

He says he loves me, wants us to start again and will do anything to keep the family together. But i do not want him to touch me, hold me or get close to me. It is as if that part of me has died and I not longer find him attractive physically or emotionally or as a person.

I am in constant turmoil as I part of me wants to leave and be on my own without the aggro and daily conflict of me not wanting to get close to him. But the thought of going makes me feel so nasty and selfish.

My 2 older DS I know sometimes enjoy doing things with their daddy but they always say things like ' I like mummy more than you' and ' i don't love you daddy' they would much rather be with me.

I know this sounds awful but in the past he has done very little with them and he is a very different parent than me, not patient, very disciplined and to me quite agressive and loud in the tone he speaks.

Help what should I do I am so confused as to stay or go?

It took me seven years to take the decision to leave a husband I no longer loved. Believe me, it was far more difficult to make that decision than coping with the consequences of it.

If you want to leave, leave. People who said they are staying for the children are lying, they are staying because they are afraid of change. I personally didn't want my child growing to believe that our full of problems marriage was what he could expect of a "normal" relationship.

But if you decide to leave, you have to plan ahead and start building up the foundations of your new life. If you want to leave leave, but leave when it is the best time for you and your children.

Maelstrom- thanks so much for your super quick reply.

I wish i felt I could just leave. I suppose i should be thinking' I am my own person , and i have the right to leave and do what I want' but with children in the equation I feel as though i somewhat forfeit this right'?

I don't what my DS's thinking that this is how a marriage should be. But is a marriage with a mummy and daddy there together better than having a mummy leave daddy and leaving seperately. I truly don't know what is best for them. I know that I would be happier with my DH, at least i think i would.

I have a strong family support if I do leave him and it would meant moving away where i would ultimately be happier back home. May I ask did you have any regrets initially after you left your DS? or did you have any later?

My only regret was not leaving years earlier. Also, by leaving before things got too bad, we saved DS from witnessing a lot of nasty stuff.

A child is much better when he has 2 happy separated parents than when he is with two unhappy ones living in the same household. A lot of bad things are said about the children of separated parents but not enough research has been carried on about the effect of growing up in an unhappy household where emotional, verb.

When I mentioned about building the foundations of a new life, I was talking about becoming financially independent. It is not easy to "move back" to another area once you have children (and a non resident parent wanting to keep in touch), so plan ahead for that too. Personally, I have to put to the side the idea of going back, and then... surprisingly, I fell in love with the area I had hated so much for years on end... Obviously, the problem was not the area but the marriage I was in..

Now, part of laying the foundations of your new life is to evaluate whats going on and if some life can be put back into your relationship. If it is possible, go for it. Relate?

OP, your post could have been written by me. Am in exactly the same situation, and really know how you feel. I just cannot decide what to do for the best - I know what is the best thing for me, but also feel I'm being selfish to put the DC through the trauma of a break up. They adore DH, and he is a good Dad. So hard, isn't it.

thanks maelstrom. glad to hear you fell in love with the area again, and so glad you are happy after your decision {smile}

I am in no way finanically independant as i am a SAHM and have no income or savings. my youngest is 19 months old and I do not really want to go back to work until is at least 2.5.

I feel as I have been evaluating my life for years now and am going round in circles. Over the past 3 days i have been thinking of leaving DH more and more and I think I am making myself ill over it. I do not sleep well anyway and I have been feeling sick and stressed out.

I don't feel as though I can put any positives into our relationship as I feel so angry towards him and do not fancy him much All I feel is quilt for feeling like this and for not 'letting him in emotionally and physically'.

I don't know if relate will help or not.
They might make things clearer in my head I suppose

minx= thanks x i feel for you too. Its bloody horrible isn't it.

I am sure that he we didn 't have any children that i would leave him, no doubt about it. Perhaps that is the answer then? I wish I could have the strength to make the decision. I hope I not saying this in 6 months or a years time. I dont know what it is going to take for me to leave him.

Its the fact that he is trying so bloody hard to keep me here I think, ie, flowers, offering to take boys out, household stuff and decorating. I feel as though he is trying to win me back. But i think its too little to late!

Sometimes i wish he would do something really awfull to me then i would have more reason to go ( i know i know everyone how awful that sounds beleive me) but i feel so guility for wanting to go.

I know exactly how you feel. You almost wish they would have an affair so the decision to leave doesn't feel so selfish. "It is as if that part of me has died............." exactly how I feel. Just want to tuck up in bed on my own with a book avery night.

minx- i feel for you too, sorry to hear your pain too.

I am tucked up in my own bed now, its great on my own might I add as DH has been sleeping downstairs for about 1 year (my choice).

DH did have some sort of affair not sure what to call it really, he says it was a stupid flirt thing on text. Basically when i was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd dc I found texts from another women to him and explicit naked pictures of her to him. lots of texts also from him to her being very friendly using xx at the end etc etc. He says they never met and is was a flirt line? maybe it was maybe it wasn't i will never know.

anyway i thought that would have been the crunch for me to go, but obviously not here i still am!

Minx- how long have you been feeling like leaving him?

up & down for several years. Have posted on here lots of times and everyone tells me he's been a selfish arse (I know) and I'd be well out of it. Had decided to file for divorce just after Christmas - then DS1 was taken critically ill, and since then I've got enough to deal with, emotionally, and am trying to stick it out. And he genuinely is trying.

minx- so sorry about your DS i hope all is well with him now. sorry to hear you are having a hard time

same with my ds he is genuinely trying, he as just sent me 3 texts saying i love you , wish i was with you etc etc.

makes me feel even more guilty for wanting to leave,
and so the circle continues..........