Is Relate outdated?

[Butterpiecrimearea]

So, me and DH have started going to Relate. Two appointments in and they have asked me to go back alone to talk about how I feel when I am angry, which both me and DH agree is not an issue. They also would only take us on if I agreed to not get upset (I'm on mental health medication).

The councillor told my DH (who goes to AA) that he is obviously not an alcoholic because he doesn't drink in the mornings.

They recommended a book (Staying together) which is full of advice like "sometimes the woman can initiate sex", and "when you decide to have children, things can be a bit difficult" - the whole book seems stuck in the 80's, and could have been assembled from take a break magazine. MN is infinitely more useful, mainly due to the opinions from people from all walks of life, not some weird version where the only nod to it not being 1950 is that they occaisionally mention same sex relationships. There isn't even an index entry for porn!

On top of all that, we are on reduced fees, and it still costs us four hours wages for each session.

Both of us are really keen to work things through, but is there a more modern organisation? I swear to God the councillor made a face when she realised I was wearing a feminist t shirt.

Couldn't agree more. I was astounded at the cost of it, and the waiting times, the inflexibity of appointment times.
Having explained at my first session that I really wanted to work on our relationship, and were totally opposed to splitting up without giving it a really good try at improving things, the woman basically told me I was mad and should run away as quickly as I could. Wasn't able to advise me on the practicalities of that or point me towards someone who could advise.

I think its a valid question. I went with ex DP, who wasn't keen to go and said so. So the meetings turned out to be all about how upset he was, how he encouraged to say what he felt and I wasn't allowed to criticise. I once pointed out that I often also felt fed up, etc and I was still young, slim and reasonably attractive and was immediately hushed up and basically told to be grateful for having a man in my life. Don't want to make it an issue on looks but the counsellor was an older woman and not a looker. I felt stifled. Ex DP loved it. We got back together and 6 months later I finished with him because he had started acting like a cock and I was full of resentment for the things he said in the counselling.

I have no experience of the relationship counselling side, but have completed the psychosexual therapy with relate and it was a godsend as well as respectful, mature and 'modern'. So maybe it depends on what service you access and also the individual counsellor you find.

you definitely need a different counsellor - whether thru relate or some place else

How would we go about that? Given that the relate person apparentelly had to ask a supervisor for permission to even take us on, due to my mental health problems?

(oh, and they gave us a questionaire to fill in about our mental state, which said it wouldn't be shared with our partner, and she told us both what we had written. That can't be good, surely?)

if she hadto ask a supervisor - then ask to speak to the supervisor. maybe you need a more senior therapist. / general manager

this is a complaint procedure - so use the procedure - ther is little point continuing with this counsellor if s/he isnt working for you.

"What happens if I have a complaint?

We welcome feedback and are keen to improve our services. We have a complaints procedure which aims to make the process straightforward and fair. Should you wish to make a complaint, in the first instance, please raise it with the General Manager.
www.relate-avon.org.uk/faq.html

I agree that the books/literature for Relate are pretty awful and whilst I didn't use them, the response from people who have has been pretty mixed - probably depends on the counsellor

Check on the BACP website for counsellors who specialise in couple's counselling.

www.bacp.co.uk/.

Some might do reduced rates - and they will probably be more flexible regarding hours.

Call them up first for a chat and see how you feel talking to them.