confused, would i be with dh if we didnt have our children!?

[threecurrantbuns]

I find myself thinking about this fairly often.

My dh is a nice man, and loves the children, pulls his weight in the house, looks out for me etc etc.

But if i am brutely honest, at times i find him boring! I feel like i find myself chatting away about something i find really interesting and can feel like im talking to a brick as he seems more interested in some crappy tv programme on in the background!!

And at other times i feel like he is not the brightest either when im explaining things it can take a while to click, drives me mad!

I know this all sounds awful, my i am decribing my most irriatated moments.

I feel like if we didnt have the children i would be thinking we dont have alot in common anymore and the things that interest me dont him, and how it would be so nice to for example go off to see some historical sights with someone i could wonder round with all day talking about all the amazing facts. When i say this im thinking back to friday when i said to him about possibly getting someone to have the children when they are older and going down to london to go round westminster abbey etc as the whole building and history of it all and various other things fasinate me...his reply, 'yes ive always fancied madame tousuades (spelling) Arghhhh god it annoyed me, not exactly the intellectual information i was looking to aquire from our trip!!

We never have sex, apart from the odd time i fancy it, i just rather not sleep with him, dont know if this is down to hormones or that its a sign we are doomed

IT doesnt help he works shifts, we are both tired alot and we rarely go to bed at the same time.

He is argumentative when he drinks and tonight started an argument infront of the children because i asked him if he could take them to brush their teeth while i put our youngest baby to bed (it was late for them bedtime wise as we had been out at a friends) he was busy doing something else, so when i had finished putting baby to bed i took them to brush their teeth when he came into the bathroom saying, 'why cant you keep your nose out?' I was taking them to do there teeth etc etc. I responded by explaining i had finished putting ds to bed so thought i would do dds teeth so they can get to bed. Well something along those lines when he then told me to shut up.

So i told him maybe he should stop drinking stella and become a nicer person!! OUCH really childish i know and out of character but im sick of him being argumentative over such pathetic things!

Then after children were all in bed in the continued to probe me with what was that all about. I cant see what ive done wrong tonight, why does it always have to be like tihs blah blah...i conversation not worth responding to when he has had a drink as it would literally go round and round me explaining the same thing over and over.

I predict in the morning he will apoligise, say he was tired will try harder etc etc. But i feel i dont want his wasted apoligy.

He is mostly good and caring, but i feel i chose the wrong man unfortunately and he doesnt stimulate me, esp conversation wise. BUT the bigger picture is i took my marriage vows seriously! Ive come from a split family and swore i would do everything in my power fro my children to not end up the same, even if it means i dip out slightly they are much more important, but its hard sometimes, esp when we bicker around them. Utimately i still feel they will have a much better life if we stay together, plus there is no way i could provide for them, sound a bit shallow maybe but we live in a nice arear in a village near a nice school i am a sahm i can be there for them all the time. They would have none of this if we seperated. Im sure dh wouldnt accept it and make things very difficult to.

Suppose i find myself wondering maybe this is normal for a family esp with young children???

And that as the years go on things will get better, i will grow to love him again we can work together to be happy??

There isnt ultimately anything really bad about my life i just feel im not really suited to my dh
But i love my children more thani can even express and happy to forfit being madly in love if i can form a happy household

they wont get better unless you make them better. :(

When you say they, do you mean dh? It so hard because in reality can you really change someone or is it even right to?

I feel like if my dh never drank he would be a much better person but i know this will never happen. dont get me wrong hes no alcoholic but drink can bring out the argumentative side in him

Is it possibly to learn to love someone? I feel i want to make the most of the situation rather than just split!

Do most relationships have these times of confusion or are these all signs its just not going to work in the long run?

I feel like my easy going and patient character is dwindling when he is around Not always but sometimes.

So confused as sometimes i cant wait for him to be home from work but then others i wish he was at work more so i could enjoy the children without him being around to annoy me

Sounds like he has an issue with alcohol which is affecting your relationship and he needs to acknowledge that if things are going to have any chance of improving.

Just because he's not a full blown, drinking at 9am, alcoholic, doesn't mean he can't have a drinking problem.

I have brought up alcohol before but he takes it as im being completely over then top, he wont ever acknowledge that the alcohol could have been the reason for an issue thats occurred

I feel really annoyed with myself when i look back, the warning signs were there years ago before children. If we went out with friends and had alot to drink i would be a happy giggling drunk, he could sometimes be argumentative or aggressive, bit fine the rest of the time.

But i cant help wondering if im over sensitive to alcohol/drunk people as i lived with a stepdad who was awful when drunk, argue be nasty then wake up like nothing had happened.

I can't help feeling that you are constantly judging your DH, and I think he may be picking up on this too.
You seem to be almost sneering at him in some ways. For example, you don't like what he watches on TV, you want to go round stately homes, you jump in before he has the chance to do something, ie, DCs teethbrushing.

Let him be himself, don't try to turn him into a social snob, which is what I am picking up on.

You are basically saying he is not good enough for you anymore, and that seems unfair. I have a university education, my DH doesn't. I do not look down on him just because I can read poetry and he can't or won't.

NickRobinson I see it as her H's drinking problem has encroached on their relationship to the point where she resents him and has lost respect for him.

Unfortunately for those with drink problems they tend to get incredibly defensive and making them realise they need to sort it out is nigh on impossible.

From what you've posted here OP, I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.

I consider myself completely non judgemental. So i would disgree on the judging him.

I just find it frustrating that he can take no interest in my conversations its can be like im so inconsiderate for disturbing his programme by talking to the point where he will pause look a me give a half heart short response if im luckly then carry on watching.

The teethbrushing thing wasnt a case of jumping in just a case of getting what needed to be done, done as i was able to do it and the children were very tired and teary. And to top it off he was telling them of because they were getting irritable due to tiredness. And yes if im honest i did think why doesnt he just bloody sort out what he is doing in 2mins AFTER the children are in bed rather than them getting the brunt of his faffing around.

But i didnt say/display any of this to him as there was no point. Just brushed the childrens teeth and took them to bed.

While he goes off to sulk with another can!

How can i constantly remain reasonable with someone who treats me nothing when he is tired/had a drink! Poor excuse in my opinion.

But then when he is ok, i think my life would be a whole lot worse without him, esp for my children. It would be selfish of me to leave s all in all the good prob outways the bad.

But cant help thinking if there were no children i would never put up with being spoken to the way he does to me at time and would just leave. When i feel like this i feel like telling him i dont love him and i think we should just act like adults and make as happy home as can be for your children. But i know that would be cruel/unreasonible and wouldnt work.

I feel like crying that we have been with friends all day having a lovely afternoon, then within 10mins of being home he has been awful and gone to bed without talking to me and im now sat here on mn alone. Shouldnt we be sat together reflecting on the good day weve had

We could have the whole conversation again in the morning he will prob take in all in and quite probably agree make his excuse. Say he will try harder etc but then i know it will just happen again in a few weeks.

I feel anxious when we are out and he is drinking like im almost looking for signs of him being tipsy etc.

It hard to know if its me or him that has the drink issues, as he will have a dirnk everynight bar his night week at work which is once a month as he obviously cant drink before work. I can ever see a night where he would just for instance have a cup of tea. Quite often if there is no larger in the house he will nip to the shop for some rather than go without.

But then he would argue loads of people have a larger or a wine in the evening. I feel he couldnt bare an evening without one and thats the difference. He would disagree. Dispite often saying he will have a week of the beer for a health kick but never actually manages more than a night. Is that addiction or just deciding hes isnt that bothered.

A bit like ill say im nothaving choc this week but then think sod it and have some anyway lol

How much does he drink every night? Drinking that regularly is excessive I would say.

I have a couple of glasses of wine in the evening maybe twice a week, which I feel is pretty normal. To HAVE to drink every evening would be out of control I think.

Iwould say if its there then he would prob have 3/4cans.

I really dont know how to broche the situation, as i really dont know if he has a problem or he just likes to have a drink to unwind and partly its a habit.

Let me make it clear he doenst get argumentative everynight its more rare but when it does happens its usually when he has had a few drinks and there isnt even any point trying to talk as he just goes round in circles. Today we have been out since 3pm and he has been drinking all pm until we got in a 8ish. And its like i only have to say/do one slight thing that annoys him and thats it!

Sometimes when ive bought it up he just gets defensive and says, ' are you trying to say i have a drink problem?' Its like it doenst even occure to him

3/4 cans a night is too much. Especially if it then makes him argumentative. My mum was an alcoholic for years and I remember those circular 'drunk logic' arguments all too well.

This is an awful position to be in OP because simply telling him you think he has a problem isn't going to make any difference at all. He needs to feel he has a problem before he can do anything about it.

Having lived with someone with a serious alcohol problem I have to say that honestly I would be looking to leave and get the hell away from there, but I realise that you're probably not ready to hear or contemplate that.

tbh i feel like maybe coming on mn isnt the best idea i just feel worse now.

It is occasional he is like this and when he isnt he is kind, caring, good with the children etc.

I dont think he will get worse but i still hate these odd moments when such a small tiff make me feel so rubbish.

I honestly cant see me leaving our marriage the results of that option seem much worse to me atm, bit trapped really as i would have nothing prob not even afford a car, sounds silly but would hate that loss of indepence.

I to be quite honest i cant think of anything worse i could ever do that divorce and my children grow up in a split family.

I often read that enless thing are really bad children still always benifit from living with both parents.

Sounds awful but if that were to happen i would rather he didnt exsist so i could solely raise my children even though i know that wouldnt be good for them either

bad typos really tried now, but doubt ill sleep tonight

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad :(

It's just that what you've described isn't a happy relationship OP. It sounds difficult and like you're walking on eggshells on the whole time and not getting any of your needs met.

In fact the nice/everything's great - arguing/ignoring/everything's shit is classic cycle of abuse.

I don't have kids but I'm sure there are plenty of MNers here who can talk to you more about how unhappy relationships impact on children.

I think I would have been a lot happier had my dad left my alcoholic mum when she started drinking. As it was, my childhood, teens and early adulthood were horrendous.

ThreeCurrantBuns - Please hang in there. I have been through some horrendous times with my dh and we are coming out the other side. He also has overdone the drinking thing in the past, and still, on occasion, doesnt know when to come home. I pursuaded him to go to counselling as i felt this, and many other things had impacted on us. We also have young children and sex life had suffered, and we had very much grown apart, him obsessed with football and golf, and not interested in any of the things that make me tick, like history, current affairs, art, etc. Now that we are getting along better, (counselling helped, and a very frank discussion one night where i laid all my cards on the table and told him I was seriously thinking of leaving him) these differenced between us dont seem to matter as much as he is treating me a lot better now, more respect, more affection, less drinking and just being around more to help, i have gone from hating him at times, to loving him again and feeling really attracted to him. It can work again, but you may have to have some tough conversations with your dh, and may need some outside help like Relate for eg, but persevere, give it your best effort, and you may be amazed at the changes that can happen. Wishing you best of luck x