don't know how to help OH...

[emilie89]

This will probably be ridiculously long, apologies in advance.

My boyfriend and I have been together for coming up to 18 months and we have a baby son. Our relationship started off very casually (we met through mutual friends, started sleeping together etc) but it quickly became serious, he basically moved into my house and we were very in love. He had a very problematic ex girlfriend who I didn't know but I had heard about her from other friends and he had told me about some of her worst behaviour. Although their relationship had been very short lived (he ended it after a few months) they remained good friends but she was very demanding, constant ringing, wanting to be in his company all the time and being very paranoid in general. She suffered from depression for a few years and threatened suicide a few times, all of this was directed towards my boyfriend, she did not talk to anyone else (family or friends, of which she had lots). She made herself more and more isolated, dropping out of college etc. After my boyfriend and I had been seeing each other for a few months he told her about our relationship (although she was already partially aware of it) as he was worried her behaviour was compromising our relationship (she called him countless times a day and would threaten to turn up at my house, along with the suicide threats). While I found her behaviour irritating at times, I was generally very sympathetic as it was obvious she was in a very bad place. My boyfriend did all he felt he could (without completely surrendering his life to her), he visited her at home when she would not leave her house and tried to talk to her rationally and encourage her to seek help (talk to her parents, look into therapy etc).

Anyway, a week after he explained our relationship to her she committed suicide. It was absolutely horrific and I am in tears now recalling it. The circumstances make it harder as when she died my boyfriend was with me, helping out at an exhibition I was involved in and she had been trying to contact him to get him to go over and see her as she was in a real state. A few days afterwards he realized he had not heard from her for a few days and tried to contact her. He couldn't get hold of her either at her home or her family home so asked me and a friend to go to her flat to see if she was OK. There was no response so the police were called and they had to smash her door down, where they found her body. I had to ring my boyfriend from her flat to tell him she was dead.

A week later I found out I was pregnant, this added further trauma as my boyfriend had decided years ago that he never wanted children. We are a relatively young couple and keeping the baby meant some drastic lifestyle changes (I had to take a year out of university etc) and he was not happy about my decision to keep the baby. However it worked out well and we are now happy parents to a beautiful 8 week old boy.

I however still cannot find a way to deal with and help him deal with the death of his friend. Obviously we both feel some responsibility for her death, although I am very aware that I nor he were the cause of her death. He finds it harder to shake off the feeling of guilt and responsibility and I know (even though he denies it) that he sees me as partially to blame too. He constantly thinks he should have done more. When he talks about things like this I find it really hard to know how to react as my feelings go from real anger (towards her) to utter despair that this person was so miserable (possibly because of something I was involved in) that they ended their life. I find death a very hard subject (even more so, since my son was born) and I just clam up everytime he mentions her, I am particularly unnerved by suicide as my father killed himself when I was younger. I try to reassure him that he is not to blame and that she had been ill for a long time etc but I don't know if this helps. I know he thinks about it constantly and he finds it very hard to sleep at night.

He was always worried that the huge emotional trauma of her death would affect the emotional relationship he had with our son, where I wrote this off and thought it would be fine. However I am already starting to see some difficulties. My boyfriend finds people's emotions very hard to deal with and sees them as unnecessary and irrational, obviously this was blown out of proportion by his ex girlfriend's beyond needy behaviour. But his concept of emotion is being projected onto our son. Sometimes when he is crying my boyfriend becomes very angry and on edge, especially if the baby cannot be settled for long periods (he was recently had colic so has been very upset), he has even shouted at him. He also gets annoyed/doesn't know how to react when I am upset about the baby and just sort of stares blankly while both me and the baby are wailing at the bottom of the bed.

Last weekend he also went out for the night then did not return or tell me that he was staying at a friend's house. I was understandably upset/pissed off about this because I was home alone with the baby and I also hate not knowing when/if he is coming home. I told him this and explained that it upset me that I know that he doesn't think about my feelings in these sort of situations. It doesn't even cross his mind that I would be anxious at not knowing where he was/not coping at home with the baby. Again I think this sort of behaviour is linked to his ex girlfriend as he felt very trapped by her paranoia (although I also know that this behaviour is partly him just being a pig and it does really piss me off!)

Anyway, this is a very long and muddled message but I was just hoping for some kind words of advice in relation to 1. helping him deal with the death of his friend and 2. stopping his emotional issues affecting his relationship with our son. I have explained to him that he has to allow people to be emotional and to rely on him and that it does not make them weak or irrational. I really hope he does realize this otherwise his relationship with the baby will definitely be compromised as he gets older :(.

Thanks

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. It sounds like you have dealt with an enormous amount of turmoil in your 18 months together.

It honestly sounds as if your boyfriend needs to get some professional help to deal with all his feelings surrounding the death of his friend. These feelings may become easier with time, but if you feel that already they are impacting on his relationship with his baby, then time is of the essence. It is also worth pointing out that your relationship will come under increasing pressure as you are dealing with a young baby and an emotionally unstable partner.

You sound very strong and stable but I am concerned for you and hope that you are able to understand that you must not take responsibility for your partners wellbeing entirely on your shoulders. He has to take his own mental and emotional well being in hand and has a responsibility to his family to ensure he deals with his issues as quickly as possible.

I'm also wondering, as you only knew him for a short time before his friend died, whether you are sure all of this behaviour is related to that or whether he has always been this way. Wishing you well.

He and you should go for grief counselling, him moreso, he needs to come to terms with her death and realise that it was not his fault.

In order that he can move on with his life he needs to put the death of his ex partner behind him.

Thanks for your replies. I forgot to mention that he has been seeing a psychotherapist since her death but he finds it hard talking about it and they often spend the sessions talking about other things. Or he just doesn't go all together. I guess maybe it will take time for him to feel comfortable talking about it properly.

Redazzy-I think his emotional problems definitely stem from other things, ie family (of course!) aside from the problems with his ex girlfriend.

I just wish I felt more comfortable talking about her with him. I feel like I spent so much time into planning the baby's arrival and now caring for him that I've neglected my boyfriend's grief. I have also probably neglected my own grief and used the baby as an excuse not to deal with the whole situation.

It is great that he has the opportunity to see a psychotherapist but that will only be helpful if the main issues are addressed and if he actually turns up.

Have you spoken to him about your fears for your future together as a family if his feelings continue to affect him so negatively? I wonder if you could choose a time to sit with him (hopefully when the baby is likely to spend some time sleeping) and really spell out your feelings like you have here. I am curious to know if he is aware of how hard you find it to know what to say and if he is fully aware of the double impact on you relating back to your father.

Keep posting.

you both ned profressional help - bereavement counselling espec for him and maybe some couples counselling to work thru stuff together too. start with a bereavement counsellor - both go to your GP together and ask for help from a counsellor - you might be able to get referred on NHS

need

Yes, I do agree with the others that joint counselling could be really beneficial and of course, you would certainly benefit from bereavement counselling too considering what has happened in the past.

I am sorry you are going through all this.

You are 21/22 years old and you have a new baby. That is already more than enough to be dealing with without all this emotional trauma and your boyfriend's behaviour.

This is going to sound harsh towards your boyfriend but I would seriously consider prioritising myself and the baby and walking away from him and all the emotional turmoil and maybe going to live with my mother, if that is a possibility. I know that may seem horribly selfish but you really do need to put your baby's (and by extension, your own) wellbeing first.

Just wanted to say that I truly feel for you and this terrible, grief-riddled situation. It would seem that, as others have said, you would definitely benefit from counselling to help you get over this trauma and be able to move on with your beautiful son.

My thoughts are with you x

I urge you to push him towards professional help. I had a similar suicide related trauma in 1992 and can honestly say it taken me years and some heavy duty counselling to completley come to terms with my best friend/ex partners suicide, I would say its only the last 5 or so years I have managed to accept it and start to move on.

It won't be easy for you, even while he has counselling, it will bring out feelings in your OH that he isn't comfortable with and he will probably not want to go at all, but it really really can help.

Its worth saying you don't always connect with the first therapist you try, which is partly why it took me so long to get some decent help (first one put me off for years and it was only when my now DH realised what a mess I was in 8 years ago that I tried again). So please, if he is unlucky enough to not get along with the first person he meets, encourage him tyo try again.

Really feel for you, this destroyed my life for years and all the relationships around me. I hope you have some support yourself too.

Thanks for all the replies. It really is helpful to go through things, especially with people who aren't involved.

Joint therapy isn't something I'd considered but it is definitely worth looking into once the baby is a little older, as I am BFing at the moment and barely get a chance to eat my dinner! I have had therapy before in my late teens and found it very useful.

I wouldn't consider leaving him as I would feel that I was punishing him for her death and his reaction (which I don't believe to be unreasonable). I do love him and I know that he will be an excellent father if he can just get passed this. He is already a good dad but I know that he needs to sort this out so that he can really be there emotionally for our son and for me.

I will do more to encourage him to attend his therapy sessions and to be more open in them. If he is finding it difficult, trying another therapist is a good suggestion.

EttiKetti-I am so sorry you went through something similar, it really is horrendous. It is reassuring to hear that even though it took time, that you have moved on and I hope you are happier now. It is definitely something that no one can ever forget but it's hopeful that we will get passed it and enjoy our relationship and our son.

I don't have time to write a long reply I'm afraid, my baby has just woken up and I can hear him yelling (great timing as usual!) but just wanted to add (if nobody else has already) that a really useful tool for both of you might be to see if you can access a local SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement through Suicide) group. They have regional groups that meet on a regular basis and it's basically somewhere that people can go to talk about the very specific issues that affect you when you are bereaved in this way. My dsis discovered that her dp had committed suicide a month or so ago and she went to our local group a few weeks ago. It helped her enormously to be able to talk to people who really understood how she must be feeling. This might be an avenue the two of you can look at together.

My ds is yelling fit to burst now so I really must go! I'm really really sorry for your dp's loss and how difficult everything must be for both of you right now. I really hope that, in time, he is able to come to terms with such a shocking situation and that it was not in any way his fault. My thoughts are with you both.