Help- I think my relationship problems are linked to my past issues

[dollydoops]

Ok, very briefly as this could get long. My mum has suffered on and off from depression for many years. I am an only child and very close to my mum, who suffered several miscarriages before having me. At 16 I came home from school to find mum unconscious, having attempted suicide. she has since spent time in psychiatric units, the latest being in January of this year.

My problem is that I feel I am transposing my anxieties about mum into my relationship. When dp and I argue, I become very distressed and often end up obsessively repeating 'i just want you to be happy.' I also compulsively need to be held after an argument, which can cause problems if dp is still upset/angry. as well, I find it hard to be assertive as I am very worried about situations where dp might get upset. Do you think I am right in thinking that this probably relates to the situation with mum? And if so, how do I help myself?

Good counselling and recommended reading will help u see the patterns imprinted on you.You recognise the problems/triggers and start to rebuild yourself as the "real" you ,independent of others influences
.Enjoy this new stage in your life ,it will bring you peace .Its not about blame ,rather recognising the influences of others and how they shaped our behaviour . Remember these patterns have been passed on from generation to generation .You have recognised it and can choose to strengthen yourself emotionally ,that self awareness is a gift,trust your instinct and enjoy the discoveries ahead x

Is that a copy and paste, Patience?

Dolly, did you ever have counselling after finding your mum like that? It must have been really traumatic, particularly as you are the only child and very close.

What about your dad?

It sounds as though you are still going through the mill even now, with your poor mum going to hospital so frequently. It must be terrifying for you.

I would recommend you see a counsellor to help you through this. I can understand the way you respond to your DH and hope he can understand why you act the way you do.

It was heartbreaking to think of you saying you just want him to be alright. Absolutely heartbreaking.

No thats just my thoughts swim ,best of luck dolly x

See if you can see a psychiatrist, borderline personality disorder starts from when you are very young, it generally means that you are emotionally younger than your years.

For example I am 46 but emotionally I am still 18. It only affects my relationships, not my intelligence or anything else. It affects the way I react to things.

There are other factors that may also be attributable to you, but generally your young experiences are what forges how you are in relationships as you get older.

I think you are probably scared of losing your DP because you have had a negative experience concerning losing someone very close to you and you have a fear of that happening again. I think maybe you do need to try and sort this out before it potentially becomes a bigger problem for you and your DP. Its like a chain around your neck which you will feel much better after it has been taken off and you can feel free.

Yes I did have some counselling at the time but found it fairly useless. I think it might be better if I had it now, because at the time I was still v angry/sad and raw about the whole thing. I am just wondering on a day to day level how I avoid getting into these patterns with dp? Dp usually supportive but when I get like this, says I am being scary which I can understand, but which doesn't help!

I think it is absolutely counter-productive to be throwing about a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder with so little to go on, Fabby. Labelling can be a huge burden to carry, whether that label is correct or not. A diagnosis like that can only be made by a psychiatrist, and only after indepth investigation.

dolly - whatever is going on for you, you have enough insight to be able to link what you're going through now to past experiences, and that in itself is a significant step. Counselling or therapy is a great way to go. You can either go through your GP - but in that case the counselling will be relatively short-term as far as I am aware - or contact someone through a counselling body such as the BACP or UKCP.

All the best!

I agree conflugen. Dolly, you seem to want to sort this out and that is the first and best step to take. I don't really know how you can deal with it but the longer you go on with your DP and he is there supporting you, your trust will grow and you will slowly be able to take steps back. Have confidence in yoruself too that your DP is with you because he loves YOU and he will suddenly just disappear ad it seems he is willig to support you through this.
How long have you been together?

See a good psychotherapist rather than a counsellor if you can. It does sound as though your earlier experiences are affecting your relationship, but unpicking that is not a quick process and is better done with skilled help. Some counsellors are great, but there are also lots who have done only a few weeks' training and with the best will in the world may not be able to help. Look for BACP or UKCP accreditation, and don't feel obliged to see the first person you call if you don't like them.

'Borderline personality disorder'

Flippin heck what is it with Mumsnet at the moment, throwing all sorts of diagnoses at people?

I found CBT useful in changing learned behaviour and reactions, there wasn't any light bulb moment, but a slow realisation iyswim.
I would really recommend it, but your needs may be different.
I also wouldn't recommend just a counsellor, that is more talking therapy in my experience and you seem to know as I did 'why' you act like you do. My counseller said that as I already knew the 'why' there wasn't really anything she could do, I had to see either a psychologist or psychiatrist to learn to change my thought processes.
I'll say this though, it has been the best thing I have ever done for myself, my mind feels 'free' if that makes any sense!

I have BPD myself, I said she might have it if she looked at the other symptoms.

It's ingrained and you behave a certain way in the same situation over and over again.

In order to get the right type of therapy and help you need to be informed, Im not saying she has it, but it is a possibility.

And worth looking into.

CBT is useless for it, it requires a therapy that lasts a whole year weekly and is quite intense.

I echo everyone else who is suggesting therapy over counselling. I'm always wary of suggesting therapy vs. counselling because a) it is usually a more expensive option, and so puts it out of the reach of many people, and b) I'm a therapist-in-training, and so I'm likely to be biased. But, yes, therapy is longer-term, and when you have a strong relationship with your therapist then it is amazing what you can accomplish.

It might be worth looking into Fabby, and I'm sure that any therapist worth their salt will know if and when to refer.

However, there is a danger of seeing others through the lens of your own experience and identifying something that isn't there. Given that you have borderline personality disorder, you're probably very aware of what a hugely difficult diagnosis it is both to live with and to treat ... and it is not one that is given lightly. To posit it on a discussion board after two paragraphs is something I think that most psychiatrists would shudder to contemplate.

I apologise for jumping the gun!

I shall think next time before posting.