DH told me doesn't know if he still loves me - heart breaking

[9stonewanabe]

It's Sunday evening and my DH has just gone out "to think" after telling me he doesn't know if he still loves me. I am left at home with my sons wondering what the future holds and feeling totally helpless as I feel my future is all in his hands. The thought of being alone again after 18 years emotionally and financially scares me to death, but the worse things is thinking about my children (11 and 9) and how this will effect them. I have already told DH that I cannot live with a man that doesn't love me (too much self worth for that - I think I deserve better). Has anyone been through this can anyone give me some advise. I am hurt and angry and feel like telling him to leave, I don't want him to stay with me just for the kids.
Sorry I am rambling, I just feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach!

9stonewanabe. I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts. I hope someone comes along shortly with more advice. My H said something similar a month ago and the lovely ladies on here provided lots of constructive advice and support.

Please google the marriage course and get yourselves signed up, best thing my dh and I ever did for our marriage (you don't have to be religious)

How awful 9stone - and how bloody considerate of him to go off for a think and leave you with that little bombshell. Do you think there's someone else involved? Do you still love him? At the very least he needs to grow up and talk about this properly with you so that you can both decide what you want to do, whether that be counselling, separation, whatever.

I have never before posted on a thread like this, as it is too close to home and I'm always aware that my feelings and views might not be totally rational or reasonable, but your situation touches me so much.

6 years ago, I was you. My husband of 18 years dropped the same bombshell (it was a Saturday morning) and then went off for the day 'to think', leaving me at home with our 3 children, reeling from the enormity of what he'd just told me, whilst trying to act 'normal' for the children.

I know this may well not be the case in your situation, but it much later transpired that my husband that day went to do his 'thinking' with the OW, planning their future.

All the same thoughts you are thinking went through my head on a loop - how on earth was I going to manage without him, physically, financially, emotionally, but a part of me was very clear that if he wanted out I wasn't going to beg and plead him to stay - if he stayed it had to be because he wanted to, not because he felt obliged or guilty.

Sorry, I have no advice for you, because my marriage ultimately did end, but I just wanted you to know I totally understand how you feel at this time. I hope this is a blip for you, nothing more, but if it is more, you will cope and you will be fine.

Apologies if all this sounded tactless and blundering.

Fell free to ignore me if you like but I'd suggest you pre empt him and ask him to leave for a few days while he makes his decision. A few days without home comforts may just focus his mind. Yes, he may decide to leave but you have said you don't want him to stay purely for the kids.

Meanwhile contact the CAB/solicitor and find out where you stand financially if he does decide to leave.

I'd eat my hat if he hasn't gone to an OW's to "think".

Don't let him hold all the cards, pull the rug and tell him to go. He may need a short, sharp, reality check.

I agree, get him to leave so you can have a good cry. It's a horrible thing to go through.
This happened to me 2 months ago. It turned out there was OW and he just didn't want the relationship.
My biggest regret is letting him back home so that we could work things out for the kids.......then he ended it and refused to leave.
It really messed and is still messing with my head.
I know your situation may be different but I guess what I am saying is don't feel you have to be nice. Anger is good.
Do what will help you to cope. He has hit you with a bomb so put yourself first now.
In the meantime can you call a friend if you need support?

9stone. I didn't mention it in my earlier post but it also turned out that my H had been having an affair for past 9 months. I never ever thought he would do something like that and it was only the ladies on here telling me that they would be very surprised if there was no OW that made me start digging. We are trying to work things out but I've only just started my very hard journey and I hope you get the answers you need and are able to work things out. Good luck.

In the year that I've been on MN, every single time someone has posted a "He says he doesn't know if he loves me" thread, there has always been an OW involved.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your H sounds like a selfish shit.

Likewise, I have never heard of this situation, either on what must now be hundreds of threads on MN, or RL, when there hasn't been an OW involved.

Sometimes the existence of the third party takes a time to emerge - and in the case of MN, I have had numerous PMs months after the original threads to tell me that the majority of posters had been right after all when they raised the same suspicions, but no doubt you will get posters on your thread claiming it isn't always so....

I admire your spirit and am glad that your esteem is high enough to frame this that you are too good to stay with someone who doesn't love you. What I would encourage you to do however is to start some fact-finding, despite any denials you get about there being no-one else involved. It actually helps to know one way or the other, because although it might surprise you now, it is far easier to understand lost feelings that have been caused entirely by the arrival of a third party, than it is to explain why someone with a lot to lose wants to throw the towel in so easily.

IME, people who genuinely lose their feelings for a partner do so over a long period of time and it is never a shock when things reach this apparently low point. Even then, a responsible partner and Father will normally try to do everything to save the marriage and not give up at the first hurdle. The exception of course, is if someone is immersed in the insane fantasy of an affair and believes that he will be happier with the new person. In those cases, people can be extraordinarily incautious and apparently ruthless in their quest for a new life.

Often, as a poster on here will testify, discovery brings the real cause out into the open and once the fantasy becomes real, the affair ends and marriage recovery can start. In other cases, the feelings for the affair partner are too new or too deep and the marriage ends, but it makes moving on with a new life much easier because the abandoned spouse isn't left with endless questions about what she did wrong/why love departed, knowing instead that she can never be responsible for someone else's infidelity.

Had to post, so many lovely mners helped me 3yrs ago when this happened to me.

Disagreed with them all about the ow, not my h! But when the truth is too painfully obvious there becomes no where to hide.

I hope this isnt the case for you, but knowing does help in the end. Give yourself some power back.

We went to relate after being at a private counsellor for mths. If anything it wasnt a waste of time or money as it gave me the strength to face the end i guess.

My dcs are 7,5 & 3 (I was pj when he dropped his bombshell!) and are coping really well.

I am honest with them, (up to a point!) as I try really hard not to slat their * father. But your 2s biggest fear will be that it is/was something they did which you have to dispell.

Also my 3 (especially the eldest 2) are so much happier, confident and self assured now and grow each day. As do I.

Hope my ramblings help you a little, will try and help anyway I can remember how incredably hard this is, take care x

Thank you so much for all of your kind and thoughtful comments, sorry, it's taken me a while to come back, I have had a lot on my mind of late and my head is all over the place. I had'nt mentioned that we have had 3 RELATE sessions, but I still didn't realise that it was that bad, just usual marriage stuff of him working too much and us not spending enough time together. I still love him and he cannot explain why he doesn't still love me. I did ask him at the begining of the year if there was someone else and he said no but I do have my doubts - last year he had been using FACEBOOK to contact a female friend from 15 years ago (I knew they liked each other back then) he said she was having problems in her marriage (she didn't love him anymore) and he was just being a friend) I told him I didn't feel happy about that at the time, but it continued until HER DH put a stop to it. Later I found that he had for some strange reason set up a new FACEBOOK account??? and recently he has added password security to his PC - now I write this down I can see it doesn't look good!!! I'm almost scared to ask him the question again. RELATE is helping to an extend (at least we can get our feelings out without screaming at each other) but there never seems to be an answer and I am not sure he really wants to find one. He is a loving husband and good father in many ways, but at 44 perhaps he is having a mid-life crisis and perhaps the grass looks greener on the otherside. For now I have told him he can stay (he did offer to leave) as I feel we should try and give RELATE a chance but at some point HE has to make a decision he either loves me and wants to be part of our family or he has to go. Some days I think I should just tell him to sling his hook, but I think about how good it has been and our children and I try and stay positive in the hope that it will be worth it in the end. My life feels like a rollercoaster at the moment; sometimes we seem normal and he kisses and cuddles me and to any of my friends looking from the outside we look like the perfect couple, but the next thing reality creeps back in and I am in tears at the thought of my life changing so much and how I will cope. DH works abroad a lot and is away now for almost 3 weeks, so I have time to think - not always a good thing! Anway, thank you again for taking the time to reply, especially to those who contacted mumsnet for the first time - you really help!!!

Well, it might help if you bring your very reasonable suspicions about there being an OW, out into the open at the Relate sessions. I'd be astonished if it hadn't crossed the counsellor's mind, tbh.

I think everything you need to know is contained in your last post. An inappropriate friendship that he allegedly stopped not because of your feelings about it, but the OW's H's actions, increased password-protected accounts, a new FB account......plus a mass of lifestyle vulnerabilities in that he works abroad a lot and is away for 3 weeks at a time.

I'd consider going to Relate on your own while he is away and discuss your suspicions. It would be helpful to have that protected space and to process why you feel scared of confronting what is the most obvious cause of your current difficulties and why you are willing to stay with someone who doubts his love for you.

All the while he gets to keep these secrets, there will be no improvement, I assure you.

Hi- sorry, very sorry to hear. Can I encourage you to start preparing for the worse e.g. working out your escape route and a soft landing, both financially and emotionally. Of course there is no soft landing emotionally, but start focussing on you and loving/protecting yourself even more....nice hair cut/do, more gym, meet your friends more, try hard to diversify your emotions....and if you split then try to be on the front foot emotionally.

My EXP and I have very recently split up after 10 years following a similar conversation of saying he doesn't feel the same way anymore etc.

It's been bloody hard, at times cried myself silly, not sure if I'm coming or going. He just seems to have taken it all in his stride, not being affected by what has happened (probably due to the fact that he's has MONTHS of feeling this way and accepted that's how he feels) Never mind MY feelings or our child's feelings, this happening out of the blue with no warning.
It's like he's a different person.

But....there is/was sort of a woman involved i think. He says they are just friends. I did believe that initially when we were together, but now we are separated, I'm not too sure what their relationship is. I have no answers, make sure you get yours.

You will cope, honestly, you will get through this and survive. You have to for yourself and the children. You may not think it now but it will get easier in time.
My family and friends, and work colleagues and even ex-inlaws have been fantastic, also unable to understand what is going on with him tbh.
Make sure you talk to someone about it and how you are feeling, its so important to get it out.

Good luck x

Thank you sparkleshine and whenwillifeelnormal. Very good advice. I am due to go to RELATE on my own this week so I will bring up my concerns and prepare myself for the worse even though I hope we can work through this. I guess I still worry that if we do get through this will it ever be the same, has the trust gone, will I always be suspicious and wonder if he is with me just for the children - marriage is hard enough without these extra problems. I keep singing that song in my head "I will survive, go on now go etc etc" it helps for a while.

These Boots Are Made For Walking is a good 'un too.

A vote for "I need a little time" by the Beautiful South here

Oh, so sorry. Had a similar script here. It's really painful to go through, but I promise you that the part where XH was still living here but not sure if he loved me was by far the hardest. Once he actually left it got infinitely easier. I didn't have to exhaust myself trying to be something I wasn't (or as it turned out somebody I wasn't!) any more.

It might be worth going to Relate alone, or having some separate counselling. Put a time limit on it though, for your sanity. Otherwise I'm afraid he may just be lining things up to leave when it's convenient for him.

It might not feel like it now, but very often the discovery of an OW and an affair is the catalyst needed, to bring things to a head and help you to deal with the future. Whereas it sounds like you have been burying your head in the sand for a long time and hoping that this would all blow over. An affair that isn't brought into the light, either when it's ongoing or buried, means that the marriage is never on an honest footing again.

Again, it might not feel like it right now, but if it's an affair that has caused this crisis and not a gradual erosion of feelings, that can be much less of a threat to a marriage. Some affairs cause (temporary) marital dissatisfaction and discord, whereas the societal discourse is that it is the other way around. It is highly likely that your H and this woman have got themselves caught up in a fantasy relationship that wouldn't stand too much reality or the cold light of day. Exposing it and taking some control yourself is often the smartest move, whereas at the moment you seem to be in a permanent waiting room, leaving all the decisions up to him about whether he can love you again and stay with you.

That position will be terrible for your self-esteem and it means the affair can continue in its fantasy-type bubble. Your H actually needs a strong dose of reality and to see what life will actually be like as a separated parent, while he lives on his own, assuming the OW is still married and not willing/ready to leave her H.

Information is power and something needs to change here, otherwise you are going to go downhill fast. Try to confront what's happening here and learn to fear being in the dark more than knowing the unpalatable truth. You fear the worst, but not knowing and waiting is worse.

Glad you're seeing your counsellor on your own. Do take that opportunity to discuss the merits of forcing the issue one way or another.

As someone who has just kicked an X out, after 22 years of marriage, I can only endorse what WWIFN says. The fear of doing it - ending a marriage is far worse than the reality. The support I've had from family and friends over the last week has been overwhelming. Taking control, and not living in the "waiting room" described by WWIFN is empowering and liberating. I have spent over a year walking on eggshells and jumping through hoops, trying to get a man who "didn't love me anymore" to love me again. Honestly, it's useless, a waste of time. Like trying to push back the tide. Accept that it's his problem - not yours. Take control - you will feel better as a very wise person once said: "There's nothing to fear, but fear itself". You are worth so much more.