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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If you knew your new guy had cheated before being with you....

43 replies

ginnyjeans · 01/05/2011 17:06

(Cheated with a previous partner) would it put you off being with him?

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 01/05/2011 18:19

I would be running off into the hills...........(metaphorical hills you understand?)

RumourOfAHurricane · 01/05/2011 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cherryburton · 01/05/2011 18:22

Just to put a different slant on it - I've cheated on two longterm partners. The first time it happened it meant the end of a relationship (which was pretty much finished anyway) but there was no sneaking around behind anyone's back, something happened and I couldn't go back after that.

The second time I cheated was sort of in response to my boyfriend/fiance cheating on me. I found out a few months into the relationship that he had cheated on me (although I never really found out what happened or to what extent.) I thought I could get over it but I couldn't - it wasn't a good relationship and I did actually sneak about behind his back.

Point I'm trying to make is that although I've cheated, there were reasons (probably dubious, but nevertheless) and I've been with my DH now for 8 years and never have, and never would cheat. There were big trust issues with previous partners which just aren't there with DH and I will never cheat on him ever. I don't think you can really write someone off forever because of things that they have done in the past. It entirely depends on the circumstances, I do know one person who is a compulsive cheater and will never change but you have to take each person on their own merit and make up your own mind as to whether you think you can trust them/they can change.

ginnyjeans · 01/05/2011 18:22

Didn't say his ex was psycho, but the girl he cheated with was. But yes, you are probably right. Shame as he is so lovely otherwise but its like the elephant in the room now!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 01/05/2011 18:36

why not discuss this with him, and how you are thinking about it. Especially if you really like him. I have cheated in the past, one LT relationship, one marriage (twice) lots of ST relationships. According to that I should be the last to be considered trustworthy, BUT with DP I just cant imagine even THINKING about it.

LadyLapsang · 01/05/2011 19:37

How did the long term relationship end? Was he 'caught' or did he end the relationship and move out of his own accord? After the affair, did he move it with the woman he was cheating with? Also, does he have children and how many years ago did he end relationships with both women concerned?

Don't like the 'psycho' references, I think this tells you more about him than the so-called psycho girlfriend.

Lizzabadger · 01/05/2011 21:17

He's telling you what he is like. Listen to him.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/05/2011 21:55

I think it depends what he learnt from the experience, but critically, what did he learn about himself? Describing the OW as a psycho is an enormous red flag, as is his weakness at not ending the relationship with her "because he didn't want to hurt her". If that's still his character, what that means is he lacks moral courage, won't tell people how it is, puts his head in the sand and shuts his emotions off when life becomes difficult.

I'd ask lots more questions about the way he currently deals with difficult situations in life, because what I've described above usually transcends someone's personal life and you will often find that in all sorts of other situations, the person is a "people pleaser" who will never be straightforward and assertive, will shirk responsibility and blame others, or will let a situation get out of control until it gets too big and messy to deal with, so he runs away.

I don't agree that once a cheater always a cheater, but I certainly don't think that someone's propensity to be unfaithful is governed by the person they are with - unfortunately people in your shoes will often protest that "he wouldn't cheat on me" which is often the triumph of hope over experience.

IME, it's much more to do with whether a person has learnt to be different in all aspects of their life. It can be helpful to depersonalise this and ask him whether he feels that infidelity is ever justified as a behaviour choice for people generally. The people who are most likely to give themselves permission to be unfaithful are those who think that sometimes, the end justifies the means and all's fair in love and war. Whereas the person who cannot think of any justification for deceiving someone and acknowledges that there are always other choices, is the safest bet.

caramelwaffle · 01/05/2011 22:51

You keep mentioning that his ex partner is a psycho:

how are you so sure? Are you her sister/friend?

Give two specific reasons or events that mark her out as psychopathic.

maundymoney · 01/05/2011 23:31

I learnt a new word recently - "LIMERANCE." Applies to my XP - he told me that all his previous partners had let him down

sunshine1986 · 01/05/2011 23:33

It would definately put me off! My now ex cheated on his previous ex to be with me and then 18 months later he cheated on me with his new gf hes with now.

PrettyCandles · 02/05/2011 00:04

You might care to read this.

ohgawdherewegoagain · 02/05/2011 07:07

Prettycandles, Ginny's new man has admitted to one affair. (I'm not excusing it all, at all.) This piece that you reference is the story of a serial adulterer.

Ginny, only you can see whether he has learnt from past mistakes and it sounds as though he may have paid a high price for the affair which may have made him grow up and may make him appreciate his relationships in the future. Who knows?

PrettyCandles · 02/05/2011 07:21

Yeah, he's admitted to one affair. Hmm

ohgawdherewegoagain · 02/05/2011 10:23

Prettycandles - surely we can only form an opinion on what we read here? Conjecture is dangerous and damaging.

PrettyCandles · 02/05/2011 11:25

That is my opinion.

I'm not laying down a verdict that he is a serial cheater, just that he is behaving in a known pattern.

As Lizzabadger said:
"He's telling you what he is like. Listen to him."

caramelwaffle · 02/05/2011 11:32

Op - just consider this.

A person who is capable of keeping up a sustained deception is more than capable of letting "one-off" lies trip easily of the tongue; as easily as ordering a coffee, say.

Q. How do you know a liar/deciever is lying?

A. They open their mouth to speak.

Latteaddict · 02/05/2011 11:43

Would put me off, and until a few years back I would have definitely backed off and not continued the relationship.

But (big but) having learnt a bit more about infidelity I would now say that I would ask more. So try to find out more about the specific circumstances and (crucially) see whether he was taking full responsibility for the actual infidelity, or whether he was putting blame elsewhere. And what steps he's taken since with himself to manage/eradicate the personal characteristics that let him be unfaithful previously.

Any responses that didn't show he'd identified his own personal weaknesses, and felt confident that he didn't want to repeat the previous behaviours and I'd be out of there.

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